Love is a Choice… an Ongoing and a Conscious Choice You Make Everyday

June 29, 2009 | By Candice | In Relationship 

Love is a choice you make every day of your life. In fact, what you think you feel is actually something you choose to feel. You make a choice to feel a certain way or not. That’s how you choose to control your emotions. This is true in most areas of life. In choosing to feel love, you need to choose sensibly because falling in love is not something you choose not to feel after a relationship went downhill. Love is a choice, an ongoing and a conscious choice, you make each and every day of your life.

Love is a choice. And you can never confuse “love” with the feeling of being “in love.” This is one of the most important lesson you can ever get in the midst of being and staying in love. I’m sure you, just like me, those who have experienced to be loved and lost a love, can all attest to that. Here’s an excerpt from the novel “Midwinter Turns to Spring,” on the subject of love being a choice:

“Love is not just a feeling. It’s a choice, a commitment, a way of behaving toward another. Love is not simply an event that happens to you. Rather, love is something you choose to do. The state of being in love is simply a prelude to love. But most people make the mistake of thinking they’re one and the same thing. We are all given circumstances by which we can exercise the choice to love. That’s the thunderbolt that God supplies. It’s that instant attraction to another person, those warm, fuzzy feelings, that fever akin to drunkenness or madness that causes you to know that you’re in love. But it’s what you choose to do after that thunderbolt has passed that matters. You choose whether you’re going to continue loving the other person after the drunkenness has dissipated, after the frills of romance have fallen away. You choose whether you’re going to continue to seek the best interests of the other person, and care about him or her through any and all circumstances — and for how long. Love is a conscious choice.”

Love is a choice. When you wake up in the morning and think about the one you love, you say to yourself “I choose to love this person today and every day of my life,” regardless of his imperfections. In a relationship that isn’t working, you choose to put an end to it. After that, given an ample time to recover, you also choose to get involved with someone who’s like-minded. At the beginning of a potential great relationship you make a choice to spend time to that person to have a glimpse of what can develop. You celebrate the fact that once again, you get to love a person and get to be loved the same way in return.

Many people believe that love is something that simply occurs and happens unexpectedly. But as the relationship grows, the definition of love also grows. Love is both a noun and a verb. The noun part is the feeling you have when you think about the person first thing in the morning, ’till the end of the day. The verb part is the actions you take for feeling that way. Your love for someone should be action oriented and consistent, in order for love to stay after many years together.

Many people allows romantic love, or feelings, to become the basis for relationship and happiness. But this kind of foundation is more likely to be unsturdy because you or your partner will later on seek new emotional highs as time goes by. A relationship based on just feelings and emotions are fickle, more so the circumstances that give rise to them. Love is a choice, it isn’t born but made.

I have once lost my love and during those tough times of my relationship, I have managed to make a choice. I’ve made a choice to get him back and stay with him. The choice that I still rejoice until now. Love is true when you get to choose one person above all, and you get to celebrate that choice for as long as you live. That’s the personal adage I and my partner live by everyday.

There will always be times you feel you love your partner less today than yesterday. There will be times you could feel loved, and other times you don’t. You may also meet someone you think more ideal than the other. When these happen, would you still love him? Love is a choice. Isn’t it more empowering way to love and be loved?

Love is a choice. It’s either you let that love happen or move on without even letting a feeling of love to occur. When making a choice, sometimes you feel you just have to grab it because after all you deserve it. Other times you feel you need to put another’s needs before your own. Love is a choice… a choice to take action.

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Issues of Jealousy and Trust — “Half of me loves You, and Half of me wants to get out…”

June 8, 2009 | By Candice | In Problems in Relationship, Relationship 

Dear Candice,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 months. Recently, I was really upset, but also not quite ready to end things. I’m jealous over his girl friend and I ended up saying the exact line, “Half of me loves you, and half of me wants to get out. I’m just confused, but I don’t want to get hurt anymore.” Then I hang up on him and haven’t heard from him for almost a week now. Think I got him confused too that he needs some time off, so I decided not to get in touch with him for a while. I feel bad too that I’m having mixed feelings about him. Is it over for us? If you were in the situation, what would you do? — Rochel

Dear Rochel,

It’s inevitable in any relationship, the issue of jealousy and trust, that is. Perhaps you feel that it has come too soon, for you’ve only been dating for two months. But strong feelings bring all your emotional nerve endings to the surface, which makes suspicions that much more intense.

In all relationship, jealousy happens. It’s human nature to get jealous in order to protect what belongs to us. In fact, every person in a relationship have had experienced jealousy, at one point or another. It’s the number one reason why couples argue or break up. But if you want to, you can overcome jealousy and can keep your relationship even more healthy.

Is it over for you? From the way I see it, I think the relationship can be saved. However it will require you to do two things first. Look back and commit.

Look back into your expectations about trust and having a relationship. People have different expectations about trust. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always just turn out that “you only fall in love with people who share your views on trust.” You and your boyfriend might have different expectations about trust. It doesn’t make either one of you right or wrong. It simply makes you different from one another. If you think you can’t handle each others expectations, better call it quits. Same advice if you both expect nothing from each other at all, your relationship will just be miserable in the end.

Commit to yourself that you will be fair and will ignore little stuff. These are the things you must do to overcome your issues of jealousy and trust. You must be fair. Try to put yourself in his shoes. I’m pretty sure you’ll be irritated if he gets jealous and get mad at you for spending time with a guy friend. You must ignore and don’t have to get jealous over every little thing. Have the confidence about yourself and your relationship.

Love alone is a work, more so if you want to share it with another person. You both have to make efforts to have a great relationship that you want. One effort to make is to resolve the issues of jealousy and trust, if you don’t you can just go on and off, but that would be so tiresome. Still, here’s a piece of advice, let go when you’re hurting too much, give up when love isn’t enough and move on… when things aren’t like before.

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Moving On After A Break Up — Move on, Or In A More Visual And Definite In What It Means, Move Forward

May 27, 2009 | By Candice | In Moving On 

I think about my ex boyfriend everyday we ahve been slpit up for 6 years now but we talk all the time. I think i still love him and i cant get him out of my mind, is it possible that he thinks about me the same way if i feel so strongly after all this time??

please help me — Kelly on May 26th, 2009 5:26 am

Hi Kelly,

Perhaps yes, perhaps not… you see, sometimes we tend to give meanings to the actions of the other, the way we want it to be, and based on what we feel towards them. It’s good that you still get to talk, but it’s been six years… for sure a lot has changed already. What you need is to move on, or in a more visual and definite in what it means, move forward. Now, let me be profound…

The lack of one, can be the worst part of any relationship. I have been there… alone in the room in the aftermath of a break up, thinking why and how my relationship went all downhill. At some point in my life, I have waited and wasted precious time trying to get some closure from an ex who wasn’t willing, if not, couldn’t afford to give it.

I’ve scoured almost all relationship books in hopes to find a way on how to deal with unexpected break up. But really, what I’ve learned came from experiences. It came from friends who was once left behind, confused and broken-hearted. Whether your break up has come quickly without warning or was a result of a prolonged and bitter struggle, here are some ways on how to move on after a breakup.

Play it cool. The first few months after a break up is usually spent, more likely, in explaining what went wrong to each and every friend of yours. Some would jump start talking trash about their exes, this is definitely not a way to deal with it. This will do nothing but harm to you and and your ex-boyfriend. It’s okay to say how you feel about it, but take some responsibility. Staying your lips tight will keep your name clear of drama.

Don’t play the victim. In the movies, women always tend to be wounded and helpless at the end of the relationship. A study was released by the American Psychological Association, stating that women are twice as likely to develop depression than men. For your own good, be strong and stay positive. Easier said than done? True, but feeling lonely and wishful thinking won’t take you a single step away from having a broken heart. Asking for sympathy just makes you more vulnerable. And the more vulnerable you are, the more you are to make bad decisions.

Work on you. After a break up we tend to wallow in our sorrows. It’s not bad, more so needed, for a certain period of time. You need to do your very best to get yourself together, stand up, and make your mum proud. Pamper yourself and live well. As Spock would always say, with split-finger: “Live long and prosper.”

Refocus your life. Like any other problems in life… after all the wallowing, you need to refocus your life. Take a deep breath and set your priorities… your family, friends, career and yourself. If you feel you need some counseling, perhaps attend a retreat, do so. It will give you a lot of time to think things over, until you can finally sleep soundly.

Break ups are optional. Many people break up and then they make up. The relationship became strong relationships, the second time around. It’s true, my own relationship is one living proof. Break ups are optional when you have the right information. Do you really want the relationship back? If so, there are ways, you just have to make it happen.

Moving on has stages and the journey to it is different for everyone. Some may race through stages that take others an age to pass through and some may choose to take the road less traveled. Asking why, how and what if — the plague of those kind of questions is certainly not the key to getting the closure you need and moving on after a break up.

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Manifestations That You’re In A Toxic Relationship You Didn’t Know - Until Now

May 8, 2009 | By Candice | In Advice, Problems in Relationship 

Dear Candice,

I’ve been to a really rough relationship, it was toxic, really unhealthy that my partner turned to an abusive one. I really want to avoid that kind of relationship, I don’t want to be in the same scenario ever again. I am now exclusively dating someone, what are the red flags of a potentially abusive or toxic relationship that I should watch? — Noreen

Dear Noreen,

Many people suffer from an unhealthy relationship. More often than not, if you are in the middle of a toxic relationship, you are too preoccupied to see how detrimental the relationship is for you and your boyfriend’s self-respect. Other people may ask you why choose to stay in the relationship and that your boyfriend is not good for you. Sometimes, you feel your boyfriend loves you, convinced that disagreements do happen in a relationship. However, most of the time, you feel down for being neglected and you can’t seem to understand what’s going on.

You can tell that you’re in a toxic relationship if:

  • Your partner puts you down (verbally) in front of other.
  • While your partner says they love you, their actions don’t back it up.
  • Your thoughts, opinions, accomplishments, or words are devalued.
  • Your partner tries to make you dependent on them.
  • Your partner makes you feel unattractive or stupid that you have changed things about yourself to please them.

Being around with toxic people is really not a good feeling, so how one can possibly stay in a toxic relationship? How can one choose to stay with someone who’s abusive and does nothing but harm, physically or emotionally?

Like any other problems in life, a toxic relationship has a cycle. First stage, the honeymoon period, then tensions build up… blow up, then agree for a recon and then over again. One has to put an end to it, if not, bad things will happen over and over again that makes it more difficult to get out.

People who grew up in toxic homes tend to have more patience to stay in a toxic relationship. Physical and emotional harm are normal to them, that they tend to imitate the actions done by an abused parent or sibling, without even realizing they’re doing it. What’s more disturbing is that they believe they deserve to be hurt and that no one will ever accept them again because of their past.

What they must realize is they do have a choice, so they can get out and stay out of toxic relationships. Low self-esteem, depression and desperation are the tendencies for people who stay in such relationship. They do need something to encourage them to stand up and get their life back. They must realize that it’s not their fault and they have a choice to walk away and live a better life.

For some people, joining therapy groups works to redefine and move away from these terrible relationships. There are some people who were able to maneuver the situation, put an end to the vicious cycle of toxic relationships, and form a new and far more healthier bond. This can happen to you, all you have to do is to make a choice.

On the other hand, some were able to patch the things up and stay in the relationship. It’s true that most relationships can be saved, it takes a little space though, and an ample time to heal. It sometimes needs counseling. To be able to renew the bonds in a healthy way, both should make an effort. Both must decide, do they want to renew what they have and improve it or walk away.

Liberating oneself from the dependency is they key to start asserting what you need from the connection. Do not put the blame to the other. Instead say “I need your support,” “I need your love,” or “I need your truthful opinion.” If the other person is not responsive, you should be prepared to walk and move on with your life.

A healthy relationship is a two way street. A two way street doesn’t exist in a toxic relationship. We all do have the strength to put an end to it, all we have to do is to put that strength into our hands.

Companion? Yes, that we all need. However we should not sell ourselves short and let someone disrespects us. We all have cravings for companionship, but its not worth staying in toxic relationships, lowering our standards of what love is supposed to be.

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There Was No Big Secret To Understanding Women

April 27, 2009 | By Candice | In Advice, Problems in Relationship 

Dear Candice,

I’ve been reading your blog and I think that you’re the best person to ask since you talk about women mostly. I’m nice, outgoing, down to earth, Always told that I am hilarious. I make plans for nice days. Go hiking, camping, to the beach, whatever I can think of. I try to hang out with everyone, especially women, and I try to make sure that we all are having a good time. But still, why am I having such a hard time finding a girlfriend? Maybe because I’m having a hard time understanding women too? I don’t understand why they always decorate their workspace with so many candles and they never even burn them, things like that. — Tyrone

Dear Tyrone,

Men do mingle, party and chat with women in hopes to understand and learn more about them. Socializing can be a good way for sure, but understanding women is simply not just a matter of mingling with them effectively. A very strange thing to say but true that many men, even the smart ones, do have trouble understanding women. Because men often think that women do have different communications styles. Some also think that women came from another planet.

I am often asked by male friends why it can sometimes be embarrassingly awkward talking to ladies they find attractive. They would also ask what women want, how to get them to like someone. Questions they really need to be answered in order to understand women. I sometimes couldn’t answer easily. It was like their problems understanding women were so deep that they needed someone to explain it bullets by bullets.

One of my male friends got one of those “how to get the women you want” self-help books. He reads it page by page, and tries to apply every bit of advice he can find. He would always go out in hopes to meet single ladies in bars, and try to get as much phone numbers as he possibly can. He didn’t get any luck and it was a bit odd for him at first. But when he was getting up the task, ladies get to relate to him and its always effortless for him understanding women.

However, that friend of mine couldn’t get to a romantic relationship still. Sure, he was able to attract women, but not for long. It didn’t last even for a month.

So he came back to me asking questions again. At this time, I told him just a couple of things. First, there was no big secret to understanding women. Second, women want to be treated as individuals, just like men. From then on he was no longer a slimy guy I used to know. They way he interacts with ladies changed. I’m pretty sure there was some breakthrough there, those two things are the things I knew he wanted and needed to hear at some point. Hope you get to have the same breakthrough after reading this.

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