Communication Problems in Relationships That Can Be Fixed

March 13, 2009 | 2 Comments

Dear Candice

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now. The first two years were great, I’m patient with him and he’s patient with me. But the last few months weren’t good. We always argue on different things. And he’s being forceful of what he think is right. I feel so disconnected with him right now but I really want to make things work and save the relationship. Please help.  – Deonna Rois

Dear Deonna,

Good communication skills can make your relationship work well and stay strong. However, like your relationship, about every relationship has its ups and downs, usually one or both do not know how to communicate well. In life, you have to weather financial stresses… life events and health problems, as best as you’re able. While these problems are often cited as major reasons for divorce, communication problems in relationships are often the root cause. If you’re not communicating effectively, it’s almost guaranteed that you’ll experience a distancing from your partner over time.

Here, we take a look at five of the most common communication problems in relationships and what you can do about them to get you back on track.

Making the effort to restore good two-way conversations. This communication problem is most common in long term relationships. You’ve doubtless heard it said that, over time, your partner can anticipate your response in a conversation before you ever speak. Unless you are willing to really listen to your partner, uninterrupted, the not-listening syndrome takes hold. This isn’t necessarily a one sided deal. Sometimes both people begin to talk over each other, while in other cases, one person talks and does not invite any response. Making the effort to restore good two-way conversations, with thought given to what each person’s point is can go a long way towards eliminating communication problems in relationships.

Re-prioritize, reorganize or redistribute. Most of us conduct very busy lives, with very little time left over for quality time spent with your mate. If all, or much of your communications consist of conversations on problems, this can wear thin. Re-prioritize, reorganize or redistribute necessary tasks such that you gain even an hour each day together, spent talking about more positive topics or just kicking back together. It’s obvious that if most communications between you are of a negative nature, you’re generating a negative environment, which doesn’t bode well for your relationship.

Avoid the guilt trips. Another major culprit in the lineup of communication problems in relationships is using guilt trips to get your way. This is far more common than you might think. For example, your spouse has jumped on your case for spending money on something deemed to be frivolous. Perhaps it was a frivolous purchase. If you respond with a remark that digs into the past, detailing some mistake your spouse made, this is not productive. You are really just putting a guilt trip on your partner in order to avoid your own mistake.

Don’t get into blame games. Somewhat similar to guilt trips, blame games differ in that usually only one of you is playing the game. This is pure arrogance and is often used by a controlling personality. It serves two, not very admirable and certainly counterproductive purposes. The person who’s into the blame game then can feel righteous and in charge, while the person who is blamed for everything feels resentful and suffers, eventually, a loss of confidence and an unhappy mood. This leads to inserting attitudes and guilt trips. If this type of communication problem starts becoming the norm, it’s time for a serious sit down.

Step back. When a conversation starts going sour, take a step back. Take a time out and calm down before continuing the conversation. Indulging in attitudes takes a conversation nowhere good. Be a fly on the wall and check out each of your attitudes. Is your attitude confrontational? Irrational and angry? A bad attitude can contribute greatly to ongoing, habitual communication problems in relationships. Try to be objective. If you realize you’re just angry and have a bad attitude, you’re just fueling the fire.

Communication problems in relationships are fixable. You’re the only person who can tell which of the examples here may apply to you. One thing is certain…. despite all the ups and downs life throws on your plate, when communication is done in a mutual effort, you’ll both be much happier.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Problems in Relationship, Relationship 

Trust and Relationships Go Hand In Hand | Nurturing trust is the key to happy relationships

March 10, 2009 | 1 Comment

Dear Candice,

My boyfriend and I got back together very recently. Last week, he asked me out for a dinner, her new female friend arranged for us. I met the female friend during the dinner too and to my dismay, I’ve witnessed their closeness. She’s a fair looking lady with great personality. And she has been nice to me too. Yes, I was jealous. I asked my boyfriend about it and he said that there’s nothing going on but plainly friendship. But I can’t stop thinking about it? What can I do? Please help.  — Odessa

Dear Odessa,

I have one word for you — Trust. Almost every type of relationship is doomed to failure if the parties don’t demonstrate integrity in their mutual dealings. For example, if you purchase some item from a retail shop and it proves to be defective, you rely on the seller to be honorable and give you a replacement. However, if you find that the seller refuses to do so or attempts to renege on a verbal agreement, you won’t trust that seller and won’t buy from him in the future. You don’t find him worthy of your trust. Let me tell you some other scenarios so you can better understand that with trust and relationships, you really can’t have one without the other.

The same situation exists in parent-child relationships. Parents generally teach their kids to earn trust by demonstration. If the child tells the parent he’s going to be at the library, but is discovered to be at his girlfriend’s house, the element of trust is compromised and must be rebuilt. It’s easy to see that trust and relationships do indeed go hand in hand.

With the untrustworthy seller, this ends the relationship. The errant child learns a lesson in trust and relationships and the parents continue to nurture trust. When it comes to couples in a serious relationship, or marriage, most people aren’t willing to simply throw the relationship away. The emotional attachment is great enough that couples are willing to work towards developing and regaining trust.

In romantic relationships, the issue of trust often comes up in terms of fidelity, which can be one of the most difficult of trust and relationship matters to resolve. If your spouse betrayed your trust by promising to pay the phone bill and then not following through, this is more a case of irresponsibility or perhaps forgetfulness. Such issues can be easily resolved and don’t threaten the viability of the relationship. If you were to discover your spouse was unfaithful to you, it would be devastating.

There are several options with which you might work through this scenario. A person who shows they are generally trustworthy in character, but fell down on this most basic aspects of trust and relationships, must have a reason. Painful as it might be, if you hope to salvage the relationship and rebuild the trust you once took for granted, you’ll have to talk it out between the two of you. In some cases, a professional marriage counselor might work for you. The counselor has seen it all and can offer insights and solutions. Such counselors serve as mediators and know how to direct communications between the two of you to guide you through the process of restoring trust and going on from there.

In some cases, if one partner is insecure, they may be constantly accusing the other of infidelity, when this is not the case. This one-sided lack of trust can prove frustrating to the innocent spouse and eventually drive them away. If this is your case, self-help books may provide insights on insecure personalities, which will allow you to understand how to help your insecure partner feel more secure.

When trust and relationships do not coexist, you need to address the lack of trust and the reasons why, sooner rather than later. It’s a wonderful state indeed, when you have this magical component of trust, a relationship must-have.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Relationship 

You Can Get Your Ex Back — The Proof Is All Around You

March 3, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Dear Candice,

My boyfriend broke up with me. We’ve been together for four years and it’s been almost nine months and I still feel depressed. His friends keep telling me that he’s still hurting and would like to take me back too, but I haven’t heard from him. I don’t know what to do. Is it possible to get him back? — Krishna Miranda

Dear Krishna,

Is it possible? Can I actually do anything to get my ex back or am I merely at the mercy of fate? These are the questions we often asked in the aftermath of a breakup. We are fortunate if we can get answers the soonest possible time. However, oftentimes we feel numb, indifferent and indecisive after the breakup. It might not be easy and also might not be immediate, but you can definitely get your boyfriend back. The proof is all around you.

Now, let me tell you some absolute evidence that you can doubtlessly revive a relationship.

It happens all the time, after all. At one point or another. almost every working, stable relationship experienced troubles. Rarely you can find a happy couple who hasn’t been through a break up or some sort of other significant problem. For some reason, though, these relationships re-start and the couple emerges happier and more committed than ever. The fact that this happens with so many other people, no matter what the reasons of break up are, should underline the fact that it is possible to get your ex back.

There is a good guide. There are good and qualified advice out there, you should be convinced that you can get him back with a little effort. You might not be sure of how to get your man back, but that doesn’t mean that other people don’t understand the process. Relationship gurus and experts in the field who study human relationships inside and out are there to help you. They know what makes a romance work and they know how to rebuild a relationship after it goes through a rocky experience.

So, the two of you are experiencing rough times. You’ve already parted ways and it’s such a tough time because you know the two of you could have a great relationship with one another. As far as you know, your relationship deserves a second chance, and you want your ex boyfriend back as soon as humanly possible right?

Now you might be wondering why your heart is telling you to go get your ex back. Reason is, your heart knows something special is happening between the two of you. Sound hopelessly romantic? Yes, but the heart knows its way, it needs a map though. The question is… are you willing to take action to get what your heart desires?

If you believe, deep down inside, that the two of you were meant to be together, you can be sure that it’s possible to make that happen. If you want to get back together with your ex, you can do it. A combination of determination, action, and an intelligent approach will yield the results you crave. The two of you will be rebuilding your relationship and on your way to a bright future. You can get your ex back.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Relationship 

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