Moving On After A Break Up — Move on, Or In A More Visual And Definite In What It Means, Move Forward

May 27, 2009 | Leave a Comment

I think about my ex boyfriend everyday we ahve been slpit up for 6 years now but we talk all the time. I think i still love him and i cant get him out of my mind, is it possible that he thinks about me the same way if i feel so strongly after all this time??

please help me — Kelly on May 26th, 2009 5:26 am

Hi Kelly,

Perhaps yes, perhaps not… you see, sometimes we tend to give meanings to the actions of the other, the way we want it to be, and based on what we feel towards them. It’s good that you still get to talk, but it’s been six years… for sure a lot has changed already. What you need is to move on, or in a more visual and definite in what it means, move forward. Now, let me be profound…

The lack of one, can be the worst part of any relationship. I have been there… alone in the room in the aftermath of a break up, thinking why and how my relationship went all downhill. At some point in my life, I have waited and wasted precious time trying to get some closure from an ex who wasn’t willing, if not, couldn’t afford to give it.

I’ve scoured almost all relationship books in hopes to find a way on how to deal with unexpected break up. But really, what I’ve learned came from experiences. It came from friends who was once left behind, confused and broken-hearted. Whether your break up has come quickly without warning or was a result of a prolonged and bitter struggle, here are some ways on how to move on after a breakup.

Play it cool. The first few months after a break up is usually spent, more likely, in explaining what went wrong to each and every friend of yours. Some would jump start talking trash about their exes, this is definitely not a way to deal with it. This will do nothing but harm to you and and your ex-boyfriend. It’s okay to say how you feel about it, but take some responsibility. Staying your lips tight will keep your name clear of drama.

Don’t play the victim. In the movies, women always tend to be wounded and helpless at the end of the relationship. A study was released by the American Psychological Association, stating that women are twice as likely to develop depression than men. For your own good, be strong and stay positive. Easier said than done? True, but feeling lonely and wishful thinking won’t take you a single step away from having a broken heart. Asking for sympathy just makes you more vulnerable. And the more vulnerable you are, the more you are to make bad decisions.

Work on you. After a break up we tend to wallow in our sorrows. It’s not bad, more so needed, for a certain period of time. You need to do your very best to get yourself together, stand up, and make your mum proud. Pamper yourself and live well. As Spock would always say, with split-finger: “Live long and prosper.”

Refocus your life. Like any other problems in life… after all the wallowing, you need to refocus your life. Take a deep breath and set your priorities… your family, friends, career and yourself. If you feel you need some counseling, perhaps attend a retreat, do so. It will give you a lot of time to think things over, until you can finally sleep soundly.

Break ups are optional. Many people break up and then they make up. The relationship became strong relationships, the second time around. It’s true, my own relationship is one living proof. Break ups are optional when you have the right information. Do you really want the relationship back? If so, there are ways, you just have to make it happen.

Moving on has stages and the journey to it is different for everyone. Some may race through stages that take others an age to pass through and some may choose to take the road less traveled. Asking why, how and what if — the plague of those kind of questions is certainly not the key to getting the closure you need and moving on after a break up.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Moving On 

Manifestations That You’re In A Toxic Relationship You Didn’t Know – Until Now

May 8, 2009 | 5 Comments

Dear Candice,

I’ve been to a really rough relationship, it was toxic, really unhealthy that my partner turned to an abusive one. I really want to avoid that kind of relationship, I don’t want to be in the same scenario ever again. I am now exclusively dating someone, what are the red flags of a potentially abusive or toxic relationship that I should watch? — Noreen

Dear Noreen,

Many people suffer from an unhealthy relationship. More often than not, if you are in the middle of a toxic relationship, you are too preoccupied to see how detrimental the relationship is for you and your boyfriend’s self-respect. Other people may ask you why choose to stay in the relationship and that your boyfriend is not good for you. Sometimes, you feel your boyfriend loves you, convinced that disagreements do happen in a relationship. However, most of the time, you feel down for being neglected and you can’t seem to understand what’s going on.

You can tell that you’re in a toxic relationship if:

  • Your partner puts you down (verbally) in front of other.
  • While your partner says they love you, their actions don’t back it up.
  • Your thoughts, opinions, accomplishments, or words are devalued.
  • Your partner tries to make you dependent on them.
  • Your partner makes you feel unattractive or stupid that you have changed things about yourself to please them.

Being around with toxic people is really not a good feeling, so how one can possibly stay in a toxic relationship? How can one choose to stay with someone who’s abusive and does nothing but harm, physically or emotionally?

Like any other problems in life, a toxic relationship has a cycle. First stage, the honeymoon period, then tensions build up… blow up, then agree for a recon and then over again. One has to put an end to it, if not, bad things will happen over and over again that makes it more difficult to get out.

People who grew up in toxic homes tend to have more patience to stay in a toxic relationship. Physical and emotional harm are normal to them, that they tend to imitate the actions done by an abused parent or sibling, without even realizing they’re doing it. What’s more disturbing is that they believe they deserve to be hurt and that no one will ever accept them again because of their past.

What they must realize is they do have a choice, so they can get out and stay out of toxic relationships. Low self-esteem, depression and desperation are the tendencies for people who stay in such relationship. They do need something to encourage them to stand up and get their life back. They must realize that it’s not their fault and they have a choice to walk away and live a better life.

For some people, joining therapy groups works to redefine and move away from these terrible relationships. There are some people who were able to maneuver the situation, put an end to the vicious cycle of toxic relationships, and form a new and far more healthier bond. This can happen to you, all you have to do is to make a choice.

On the other hand, some were able to patch the things up and stay in the relationship. It’s true that most relationships can be saved, it takes a little space though, and an ample time to heal. It sometimes needs counseling. To be able to renew the bonds in a healthy way, both should make an effort. Both must decide, do they want to renew what they have and improve it or walk away.

Liberating oneself from the dependency is they key to start asserting what you need from the connection. Do not put the blame to the other. Instead say “I need your support,” “I need your love,” or “I need your truthful opinion.” If the other person is not responsive, you should be prepared to walk and move on with your life.

A healthy relationship is a two way street. A two way street doesn’t exist in a toxic relationship. We all do have the strength to put an end to it, all we have to do is to put that strength into our hands.

Companion? Yes, that we all need. However we should not sell ourselves short and let someone disrespects us. We all have cravings for companionship, but its not worth staying in toxic relationships, lowering our standards of what love is supposed to be.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Problems in Relationship