Leaving a Violent Husband

September 30, 2011 | Leave a Comment

My husband is constantly putting me down. He gets mad and picks up things and acts like he is going to throw them at me. Three fourths of the time he does… I used to just get upset and cry or argue… now I just get violent…. I’m not even close to being his strength level and in the end I get the brunt of everything. It’s about every 2 weeks and then it’s like we wake up and it’s a new day…. I can’t live like this anymore…. He spit in my face because I was laughing at him because he was acting crazy trying to find something…. Does this cycle ever break? Can people change…. We quit drinking, are in counseling individually and have a minister come once weekly for guidance and God’s want for a Christian marriage…. I really don’t want to leave but I have to… I’ve signed a lease… me and the four kids are leaving…. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way. He has so much potential and I see the good. It’s just so far buried down in his anger that it’s not much to want to find anymore, any advice… divorce is the last thing I want but it just keeps getting worse. – Laura

Dear Laura,

There’s no excuse for abuse, whether it’s emotional, physical, or otherwise. In order for your marriage to be saved, both you and your husband have to want to save it. This means that both of you must make the effort to improve it and work together. Him continuously abusing you despite counseling tells you that he isn’t making any effort to change.This isn’t to say that he can’t change. I believe that people can if they truly want to; it may not be quick and it may not be easy, but it’s not impossible. However, from your husband’s behavior, it seems as though he isn’t serious about changing his ways. If you are certain you want to leave him, which it seems you are, then that is the right decision.

If you (and most importantly, your children) are in an abusive and toxic environment, then the most important thing is to get out. Neither you nor your children deserve to be in such a household. Your children should not be given an abusive relationship to look up to because they may grow up believing that such interactions between husbands and wives are not only acceptable, but desirable as well. Even worse, if your husband finds no shame in abusing you, who can say for sure that he isn’t abusing them? If you can’t leave him for yourself, at least do it for your children. They deserve a better life and a better future just as much as you do.

In terms of the specifics of how to go about leaving your husband, I would always suggest legal methods over illegal ones. Your safety and well being and those of your kids (and your husband, too) are paramount and if the police or other legal authorities need to intervene, then the best thing to do is to let them. They’re there for your protection.

Ultimately, whether you decide to attempt to fix the marriage or leave it be, you alone must take the steps to change your situation. Any and all advice given to you will amount to nothing if you do not use it, and it is imperative that you do exactly that. You have to change the situation for yourself and for your family in whatever way you think is best and no one else can do it for you. In general, though, if you put safety first, you can’t really go wrong.

Share This Post

Posted by Curtis Daniel | Filed Under Breakup, Marriage 

Ex-boyfriend Avoiding Me

September 28, 2011 | Leave a Comment

Me and my ex boyfriend were together for 3 years. He came to me one day and said he didn’t know if he still loved me. He wanted to split up but still date. He told me I had changed. Now it has been 4 months and I did everything I shouldn’t do like text him and call him and now he blocks my calls. I stopped all of that for a month and then ran into him at the lake the first time. We talked. It was good and ran into him again at the lake a few more times, but I asked if he would like to go to lunch, he said maybe, but one day at the lake I had one too many beers and he saw me and turned around and left. Stupid me, I followed him. It has been 3 days. Now he says I’m stalking him even though I just wanted to talk. He says I call and text him from different numbers but I don’t. He says he doesn’t love me and that he doesn’t want to be with me. I still love him; I just want him, but in his eyes I look like a stalker. Do I still have a chance and if so how? Please help. Thank you so much. – Vicki

Dear Vicki,

Unfortunately, breakups are rarely mutual. If one partner wants it to be over, it pretty much is and there is very little the other can do. That rejection can be difficult to handle. Some people react with anger and completely ignore their exes and act like everything is okay, and some react with fear and try to hold on to the relationship even after it’s long gone.

What you have to remember is this: You do not want to convince someone to be with you. No amount of begging, groveling, or pleading will get you your ex back; if anything, they’ll lose respect for you. Relationships are not built on pity and guilt. You want someone who will love you, not because they feel some obligation to do so and not because you did anything special to obtain that love. You want someone who loves you for who you are, easily and naturally, without having to be convinced or persuaded of how they feel. Just the same, you wouldn’t want a partner you felt like you had to be with; you want a partner you want to be with.

This means that no amount of calling, texting, or other forms of what your ex might consider “stalking” will help the situation. He wants it to be over and right now, you can’t do much about that. I would suggest being respectful of him and giving him the space and time that he needs. I know it’s hard, but keep your distance from him. You don’t want to force him to be with you (or force yourself onto him, from the sound of it); if he loves you, he’ll come back to you in his own time. If not, hopefully you’ll have gotten over him by then.

The time you’re giving for him to be alone is also time for yourself. Give yourself the distance you need to get over him. If you’re unsure of what I mean, read “Keeping Distance From Ex In Order To Move On”. Hopefully, one day you’ll be able to talk to him plainly and without a hidden agenda and he’ll be able to talk to you at all.

Share This Post

Posted by Curtis Daniel | Filed Under Advice, Breakup 

Keeping Distance From Ex In Order To Move On

September 26, 2011 | Leave a Comment

I dated my boyfriend for 3 years and at first I broke up with him and we have been broken up for 4 months now. In the first month we were broken up, he tried to get back with me and I wasn’t ready so I pushed him away. Then we would kind of talk in the months and then I started to miss him a lot and I started to get back together with him and he said just not right now and I want to be friends maybe someday we’ll be back together, stuff like that. I started begging to get back together. That didn’t work. So I told him a week ago that I hope one day in the future he can give us a chance. But right now I need to move on. I haven’t talked to him in a week. Do you think if we don’t talk for a while he will miss what we had? Because we haven’t had a month where we didn’t talk to eachother, or is it too late and he’s moved on and so should I? – Taylor

Dear Taylor,

Breakups are never easy and it takes time to heal afterward. Unfortunately, if you’re constantly surrounded by your ex, the process of getting over them takes a lot longer. Seeing your ex may ignite feelings of anxiety, jealousy, anger, and sadness, all of which delay your feeling better about yourself. Even worse, seeing an ex may cause you to reconsider the breakup and want to get back together with them, stirring feelings of doubt, longing, and desire, which are steps in the wrong direction. As much as you miss them and want to see them, the feelings and actions that may result are toxic to the process of getting over them. In order to feel more confident that there is life after a breakup, you need to keep your distance from your ex.

I understand that sometimes this may be difficult to do, as everything inside you wants to talk to them and see them, but quitting them cold turkey is the best move you can make for yourself. Even if you and your ex were friends, you two need to be apart for a while before that friendship has room to grow again without any romantic feelings attached. If you feel so inclined, let your ex know politely that you need some time apart from them. Tell them not to contact you or see you until you initiate contact with them not because you dislike them (unless, of course, you do), but because you need time to heal. That way, you two are completely extracted from each other’s lives until further notice. Hopefully, your ex will understand your need to disconnect. If not, feel free to ignore them entirely. After a breakup, you need to take care of yourself first.

Now, what do you do in the time you’re getting over them? Like the old adage, “A watched pot never boils,” if you sit idly around and wait for yourself to get over them, thoughts of them will undoubtedly worm their way into your mind and make you feel more miserable than ever. Instead, go out! Have fun! Do things that distract you from your breakup. Surround yourself with friends and family and people who love you and want the best for you. Take up a hobby or learn a new skill or throw yourself into your work. Do something good for yourself to stop thinking about your ex and build a life of your own again. And only after a good amount of time has passed and you feel comfortable speaking with them again, can you reconnect with your ex if you so wish. Usually my rule of thumb in most relationships is a minimum of three months of total and complete separation.

After those three (or more) months of separation, see how you feel. Hopefully, you’ll feel more independent than before. You will be able to confidently and proudly walk up to your ex, without any resentment or hurt or jealousy or desire, and after they ask how you’ve been, you can say in all honesty that you’ve been doing quite well without them.

Share This Post

Posted by Curtis Daniel | Filed Under Breakup 

Interracial Relationships Misunderstanding or Plain Old Abuse?

September 23, 2011 | Leave a Comment

I have struggled with this relationship from early days before we were married and have excused a lot of bad behavior as cultural differences. I am in an inter-racial relationship. However, I don’t really think it really has much to do with different cultural expectations but the kind of people we are. In that I do take some responsibility for attaching myself so much to someone who is clearly not good for me and being too needy in needing to be loved that its just created dependency. He has always been subject to temper tantrums, often over the most trivial things and sometimes has a public display of anger, including shouting and whacking me on the arm and generally quite shocking random behavior. I now tread egg shells and never know when the next bout of temper will arise. I actually feel anxious and afraid and find myself trying to keep things on an even keel to avoid another explosion. He appears to be very polite and mild mannered in front of my friends and family,but not with me.He ignores me most of the time and there is little conversation and less laughter.He doesn’t like me bringing friends to the house so I go out when I need space to breathe. He has become very dependent on me to do everything for him since he was new to this country and I find little time for myself or if I get time I’m too tired. We don’t do anything together apart from work and occasional holiday where again there is no conversation and a brooding feeling that the ice may crack at a moment and some scene will unfold. In the past he had an affair and I nearly left him then but couldn’t as he begged me to stay. Now he has his own business here and I am financially dependent on him. I realize patterns of behavior arise from childhood and we were both subjects of violent childhoods. Now I just feel strangely sad and flat. The other night, I had an incredible urge to hurt myself somehow I have no idea why and this is not usual for me. It was a bit frightening. My self-esteem is at an all time low and at 40 I feel that part of my life is over. Certainly the thoughts of having children (although a bit late) with someone like this feels like one route to a huge trap. I sometimes wonder if he is a bit mentally ill as he treats me in a maternal way at times, i.e it’s my responsibility to make sure his life goes according to plan even at my own detriment, and he speaks in an infantile voice in order to get affection of me. I’m tired of moaning at my friends about it all and I’m sure its a real drag for them. I don’t know where to go from here but he now wants us to sell my property and move together into a bigger house. I just cant see a way out. It’s black in here. Andrea Gillespie

Dear Andrea,

Interracial relationships—or intercultural relationships—may not be easy to maintain. Coming from different backgrounds can cause partners to misunderstand and misinterpret each other, as well as have little in common. But this doesn’t mean they aren’t right for each other or shouldn’t be together. Sometimes, the opposite effect is true, in which the differences between the two partners connect them and allow them to learn about each other and know one another more intimately. Plenty of couples have made interracial and intercultural relationships work successfully, so it is not impossible to do by any means.

What you’re describing seems more like an emotionally abusive relationship and the fact that your relationship is “inter-racial” does not justify that. Nothing justifies abuse, whether it’s emotional, physical, or otherwise.

First, I think you have to step back from the relationship and see if you want to save it. Whether it’s for yourself, for him, or for your children especially, do you see a point in staying with him? Do you think you as well as everyone around you can be happy if you choose to remain with your husband? If both of you work hard to improve your marriage, do you still see a point in salvaging it? Whatever your answers may be, I can only offer you one piece of advice: communicate.

Whether you want a separation, divorce, or to stay married (happily or otherwise), you will have to communicate. I know it’s much easier said than done, but it’s crucial in any relationship—not just the romantic ones—to keep each other in check and let each other know how we’re doing and what we’re feeling. If he is not aware of how you feel, he does not realize his effect on you and how he’s distancing you and abusing you. Perhaps he is aware of it but rationalizes it in his own head and ignores whatever conscious tells him it’s wrong to do what he’s doing. If you tell him honestly and genuinely how you feel, without threats or expectations or fearfulness, you’ve done your part. Then, it’s his turn to let you know why he’s behaving in such a way and you and your husband can work together to fix whatever problems you may have.

Even if you choose to leave him, you want to make the right decision for yourself. You won’t be sure of what that is until you can be certain that you have no desire to save the relationship you have. That certainty comes with communication. What you two need to do is communicate.

Now, if he justifies his abuse as part of how he grew up and this is one of the cultural differences between you two, then the only thing you can do is try to make him understand. Whether he does or doesn’t is not your fault and honestly may be so deeply ingrained into his personality that he may not know how to interact differently. But you won’t know until you communicate.

You’ll figure out what to do and where to go from there.

 

Share This Post

Posted by Curtis Daniel | Filed Under Problems in Relationship