Keeping a Long Distance Relationship Going
October 17, 2011 | Leave a Comment
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months and we are incredibly happy together. We rarely fight, we do cute things for each other, ETC. I live in Maine and he is going to be moving to Washington (Across the country…) and I love him and want everything to work out. How do you make a long distance relationship work? I’ve never been in one before so I don’t know what steps to take or what to expect. Thank you in advance, I Truly appreciate it. – Aubrey
Dear Aubrey,
Long distance relationships are never easy but that doesn’t mean they’re impossible to maintain. Going from seeing your partner nearly every day to a few times a year can be frustrating and upsetting, but there are many ways to keep the relationship going. In this day and age, we have so many tools to bridge gaps with people all over the world and although none of them compare to being with your partner and holding their hand, they can help make the loneliness a little easier to bear.
Send letters to your partner. I don’t mean email or Facebook messages; I mean handwritten letters. This may sound pointless and old-fashioned, but I think handwritten letters are so much more meaningful than pixels on a computer screen. Plus, you have so much more freedom with a pen and paper: you can send them drawings or sketches too! And at the end of the day, you’ll have given your partner something tangible that expresses your love for them. Holding that letter and reading it, they’ll know with certainty that despite the distance between you two, your love knows no bounds.
Continue to do cute things for each other. Some couples don’t do this because it’s not how they express their feelings, but if you do cute things for each other, continue! Send emails and cards and presents and call them often. It’s difficult when you’re so far away, but it’s still doable. Think of it as a challenge and be creative.
Call and videochat. In this era of technology and smartphones, it’s so easy to leave everything to texting and Facebook. The issue is that tone and meaning become muddled and unclear when you only communicate through written (or typed) words. Calling and videochatting help somewhat. What’s important, though, is that you set aside time to call and chat; don’t try and talk to them while you’re busy doing other things. This will frustrate both of you, so give your partner the time they deserve; don’t treat them like another window on your computer screen.
Have a life. Just because you miss them doesn’t mean you have to answer every text message you get immediately, or videochat with them for seven hours a day. Doing so will shut you off from the world around you, and you’ll feel more alone than ever. Instead, go out! Allocate your time appropriately so that you can maintain your long-distance relationship without sacrificing your social, work, or academic life for it.
Be patient. This applies in pretty much every sense. You and your partner will need time to adjust to this new relationship. Sometimes, one of you may be unavailable when the other wants to talk, which may cause you to feel restricted or spurned. Situations like these are bound to happen, but as long as you two remember how much you care for each other then you won’t go wrong. It takes longer for issues to be resolved when you aren’t there to talk with one another face to face, so don’t feel disillusioned or upset when an issue isn’t fixed instantly. Along with effort and dedication, it just takes time.
Hopefully, the advice I gave was useful, but every couple is different. There’s no right way to have a relationship; each one works and functions in its own specific way. Find what works for you and your partner and maintain it. Long-distance relationships aren’t easy, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t worth it.
My Boyfriend Dumped Me After 3 Years And I Want Him Back
October 14, 2011 | Leave a Comment
My ex and I split up 2 months ago, he dumped me after 3 years of being/living together. It has been pretty hard as he lives with my best friend and fiance? (bestfriend of 19 years!) So I see him often. We like to say that we are still friends but it gets messy sometimes and we have rather large fights ending in us not speaking for a few days. I want him back I just don’t know how to go about it he is so stubborn and has to be right all the time so I don’t know how to go about it. Also found out he has a date tomorrow which has bummed me out a little more… Just need some advice! – Alice
Dear Alice,
Before you decide you want him back, take some time and think about the situation. What were the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship? Why did you two break up and how did it happen? Why do you want him back? If you were given a second chance with him, how would you improve your relationship? What changes would you make? If you two are fighting constantly and consistently when you aren’t together, why do you want to be with him?
When you answer those questions (especially about what changes and improvements you’d make), begin to put those into practice. Fix your friendship with him so that you can hopefully have a romantic relationship in the future. He doesn’t have to know that you’re doing this; you don’t have to tell him. Make the improvements you can on your end, and hopefully he’ll reciprocate by improving—maybe even subconsciously—on his end.
If those don’t work and fights still erupt between you two, maybe some distance is the answer, and a few days isn’t enough. Give each other the time and space to get over the hurtful words you’ve said. Give him time to miss you, and give yourself time to miss him. When you can look at the past without reliving it, then maybe you can go back to him and rebuild your relationship from there; however, it’s also quite possible that if enough time passes, neither one of you will be interested in fixing a long-lost relationship.
In general, though, the best way to get what you want is to be honest. In order to do that, though, you must be certain of what you want first. When you are, ask to speak with him privately and be open with him about how you feel and what you want. Tell him honestly, without expectations or reservations, and allow him to talk to you as well. You both want to be on the same page. If he wants you back as well, talk then and there about the changes and improvements you’ll make so that the relationship won’t end up the way it did before. If he doesn’t feel the same, then distance yourself from him as much as you can and give yourself room to get over him.
But that’s in the future.
For now, do some introspection and think about whether or not you really want him back—and why. Wanting a boyfriend and wanting him are two very different things and before you do anything, you have to be sure of what you want, how you feel, and what you’re willing to do to get it.
Cheater Boyfriend Wants To Get Back Together
October 12, 2011 | Leave a Comment
Me and my boyfriend broke up the other month, we were dating for 7 months. I broke up with him because he was openly flirting with a lot of other girls, & he was being a total *******. He was telling me he could ‘get any girl he wanted’ and that I didnt mean anything to him. Theres this girl that’s been trying to get with him (while we were still dating) and me & her absolutely hate each other (he knew we hated each other too). Ironically, right after I broke up with him, I got a message from her saying that “he tried to makeout with her but she would never want to hurt me. And he told her that it wasnt cheating if I didn’t find out”. I confronted him about it & i told him i knew everything, he didn’t deny it at the time.
Anyways, last night for the first time since we broke up he randomly messaged me asking how my summer was going. Then he’s all like, “you’ve been on my mind since we broke up. i still really like you. i want to ask you something but i’m nervous.” then he told me that the girl made the whole story up about him cheating on me, and that he would never do it. So I asked my friend about it, who also happens to be friends with him, and apparently he asked ANOTHER girl out just a few days ago, which is totally sleazy.
I guess my real question is: What do you think his intentions are? And should I give him another chance? If he cheated on me for sure, I would never give him a second chance, but now he’s telling me that she made the whole thing up. Should i confront her and ask if it was made up?
Sorry for how long and confusing this is, but I’d really appreciate it if someone could help me – Annie
Dear Annie,
The questions you have are ultimately about trust: Can you trust your ex to tell you the truth? Can you trust him to be faithful to you around other women? Can you trust the other women in your life when they relay information to you about him? Who can you trust here, if anyone?
In my opinion, truthfulness and honesty is absolutely imperative in any relationship. If you can’t trust your partner, especially when it comes to fidelity, the relationship won’t work properly. Even if your partner does nothing wrong, the lack of trust between you will push ideas and doubts and fears into your head, and their denial of these allegations won’t mean a thing—because you can’t trust them. From what you described, however, your ex telling you he can “get any girl” and that you “didn’t mean anything” is just cruel. On your part, the first comment breeds jealousy and worthlessness, while the second makes you feel rejected and insignificant. And a partner who wants to inspire those feelings in you deserves either a serious talk or an immediate goodbye.
I don’t want to dismiss the fact that your ex may truly want you back. It could be that he honestly wants to be with you again and won’t make the same mistakes he made when you two were together. But considering your description of him, it could be that he just wants to prove to himself that he can get you back. (He said he can “get any girl” he wants, right?) And after you come back to him—then what? You’ll have fed his self-indulgent ego with your heart, and he’ll spit it right back out again. Maybe he’ll make a game out of it, testing his limits and seeing how far he can go in wronging you and then feigning guilt or remorse to win you back, over and over and over again.
If you really want to be with him, I would suggest sitting down and talking with him one-on-one. Ask him outright what his intentions are and why he made the choices he made. Discuss whatever you need to discuss in order to answer the question of whether you trust him or not, in what he tells you and in faithfulness. If you think you can trust him, then feel free to pursue the relationship but be cautious and go slowly; let him prove to you in his actions that he’s changed. If you decide that you can’t trust him, my advice would be to forget him and concentrate your efforts on someone you can count on.
Can You Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Back After Breaking Up With Him?
October 10, 2011 | Leave a Comment
I dumped my boyfriend the other day because i was worried about where our relationship would lead after a while. We started to do stuff but after being away for 3 weeks I got worried our relationship would purely be about sexual things and make outs the whole time. Now I realized I’ve made a huge mistake and he still wants me but I don’t know how to get him back!! advice please??!! – Angel
Dear Angel,
Being away from a partner can be difficult, especially when the relationship is just starting out. When you’re alone for three weeks straight, you can’t check in with your partner as often and as fully as you can when you two are right in front of each other. It causes you to overthink everything: What are they doing right now? Why aren’t they responding to my calls? Don’t they care about me anymore? And overthinking leads to assumption: They’re probably having a great time without me. If they wanted to talk to me, they would call. They don’t care about me as much as I care about them. Or in your case: He’s just using me for sex; he doesn’t actually want to talk to me. Something like that. Things get complicated and convoluted and confusing—and resentment builds—but what you have to remember is that it’s all in your head.
It’s important that when your mind is on overdrive with these sorts of thoughts and worries, you let your partner know! Otherwise, you end up with assumptions and conclusions that may cause you to do something you never really meant to do (namely, break up with them). If you feel as though your partner is just using you for sex, talk to them about it. Let them know how you feel and why. For all you know, they may feel the same way you do and not know how to approach you about it! Everyone is biased with their own perception of how events transpire and what certain things mean; make sure to confirm your interpretations with your partner before acting on an assumption. That, among many other reasons, is why open communication is so crucial in any relationship.
While what’s done is done and cannot be undone, it’s never too late to start communicating. Tell your ex (but hopefully soon-to-be-boyfriend again) honestly why you did what you did, but also let him know how you feel now—and the sooner the better! Chances are that if you’re sincere and honest with how you feel and what you want, your boyfriend will do the same. If you both want to be with one another, then I see no reason why you two wouldn’t get back together.
Next time you have doubts about your partner or relationship, talk to them about it. Tell them why you feel that way and discuss it before solving it yourself. Hopefully, you’ll both do whatever you can to make the relationship better and find a compromise that works for both of you. If you can do that, you’re well on your way to securing a long-lasting and healthy relationship.
Getting Boyfriend Back After Cheating
October 7, 2011 | Leave a Comment
Well three weeks ago, I went to my ex Brian’s work during his break right? I went to confess something. I told him then two weeks ago, I was seeing another guy and had an affair and had sexual intercourse with him. It was great, but suddenly, I realized my mistake and stopped seeing that guy. I also told Brian that I was gonna break up with him, but I changed my mind. Brian went ballistic on me. He was crushed about what I said. He threw the promise ring that I gave him and he said it was over and he can’t trust me anymore! I promised Brian that I would never flirt with other guys again, but I did behind his back and broke the promise. Nobody, not even my sister, has spoken to me for three weeks. Yesterday, I tried talking to Brian, but he kept ignoring me! I tried calling him, texting him, but no response back. I wanna get him back!!! I want him to trust me again! – Joy
Dear Joy,
Trust is such a delicate thing when it comes to relationships. It may take months or years to build, but only seconds to shatter. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that trust is like a mirror: You can fix it if it’s broken, but you’ll always be able to see the cracks in its reflection. Once you break someone’s trust, you can make amends to try and gain it back, but there will always be cracks of mistrust and doubt in your relationship. It will never be the same as it was before.
Before you do whatever you can to try and get your ex back, think about whether or not you truly and honestly want to be with him. Think about why you cheated on him in the first place: What were you trying to achieve? Was it a simple mistake or were you trying to tell yourself something? Were you really happy with him or did you always feel like you needed something else? And now that you two are separated, think about why you want him back: Is it because you still honestly love him or do you just want what you can’t have? Would you promise to change your behavior and be the best partner possible if he gave you a second chance or would you do the same thing all over again? What steps, if any, would you take to ensure that you’d be faithful and honest with him?
It could be that being single right now is a better move for you; you’ll have the freedom to be with whomever you want and sample open relationships and maybe that’s what’s best for you right now. Or maybe cheating on your ex just made you realize how much you can’t bear to be without him, which makes you want him back even more. But before you can convince him that you deserve a second chance, you have to be sure of it yourself. So, do you believe you deserve a second chance? Why?
Only once you’ve been able to promise yourself that you will commit to being a loyal and loving partner—the partner that your ex wants and deserves—you can attempt to contact him and explain yourself. (Personally, I would write a letter of some sort so that you can say everything you want without interruption or getting sidetracked.) If and when you do contact him, remember that he doesn’t need to hear specifics and details of what happened (unless, of course, he asks for them specifically); he only needs to know that you’re aware that your actions were wrong and that you’re genuinely and sincerely sorry. He wants you to realize the error of your ways and change them permanently and if you want to be with him, you should want the same thing.
There is a chance he may not want to speak with you at all and you can’t really fault him for that (because for all he knows, speaking with you again would only lead to more lies and heartache, of which he’s had plenty already). For this reason, I suggest writing a single letter and nothing else. If you bombard him with text messages and phone calls, he will avoid you and not understand how you expect him to forgive you so quickly. First, give him the time and space he needs to recover from the terrible things he’s gone through; give him some time to remember why he was with you in the first place and after reading your honest and apologetic letter, he may realize that he still wants to be with you despite all that.
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