Broke His Heart, He Moved On, Can I Get Him Back?
November 30, 2011 | Leave a Comment
Dear Curtis,
I dated this guy for 3 years, he treated me like a princess, never denied his love for me, tried and tried and tried to please me but I was a spoiled brat. I’ve always loved him, and I did but I was always stubborn to make myself vulnerable so I always broke up with him and told him to move on and told him I don’t see us having a future together. He persisted for 3 years, we basically lived as if we were going out but I went on some dates, kissed a few guys, and slept with one guy when I was drunk and regretted it so much. I told him every time these things happened and I was trully sorry, he forgave me but it forever tainted his trust in me. It drove him crazy cuz he was always afraid it would happen again, and he thought it meant I didn’t love him. He never touched a girl for 3 years.
He told me he was moving on about a month ago, I freaked out and begged him to give me another chance. He said ok lets be friends and see what happens. Where is this leading to? And what can I do to bring his love and trust back? ~ Melissa
Dear Melissa,
It sounds to me like he’s giving you one last chance to prove yourself. He may have already moved on or maybe you’ve broken his trust too many times for him to ever be able to fully give his heart to you again, but you’ll never be sure until you try. And if you really do love him, you won’t be able not to try.
The way I see it, he isn’t looking for you to say or do anything that will fix what has happened; there’s no way to change the past. What’s done is done and cannot be undone, but you can still control your future. A dramatic gesture of apology or a promise to stay true to him won’t make any difference if he doesn’t trust you, and trust can’t be rebuilt overnight. It takes time. If you really want to build his trust again, you have to commit to him and keep your word every single day for the rest of your time with him. And in all honesty, there’s no other way around it.
Over time, he will notice your devotion and eventually begin to trust you again. Depending on all that has transpired between you two, this may take weeks or months or even years, and any one mistake on your part may easily cause him to remember all the times he’s been wronged by you. Because of this, he might test the waters a bit and see how much you’ve changed and how trustworthy you are by opening up to you bit by bit and observing your reactions. If you wrong him again, he’ll pull back and you’ll be one step closer to losing him. If you appreciate what he offers you and stay true to him, he’ll give you a little more to work with the next time.
You have to remember, though, that it doesn’t happen instantly; it’s a long process and you have to stay on the right track. If you really love him, regaining his trust shouldn’t be a problem because you would do almost anything to never again hurt him like you did in the past. Thinking about your situation with him in that may might help you gauge what to do and what not to do: just consider how it will affect him and his feelings toward you. As long as you remain honest, faithful, and loving, you’ll be fine.
Ex-Boyfriend Wants To Be Single, How To Get Him Back?
November 25, 2011 | Leave a Comment
Dear Candice,
After almost a year together, my boyfriend broke up with me. It caught me completely off guard and I know I want to get him back. We rarely fought and things were going great. Here is why he said he ended it:
* He wants to be single in college and does not want a relationship right now. (We’re both students at a university)
* He wished that I had hung out with his friends more.
I know that I want to get him back and I’ve been doing really well at not contacting him and giving him space while I pull myself back together. I just don’t know what to do next. I’m confused because the two reasons he gave me contradict each other: did he want around more to be with his friends or did he want to be single and have his guy time? I just don’t get it. Do you have any advice on how I can get him back? – Kara
Dear Kara,
First of all, the reason why you are so confused is because he is so confused. This is classic boy in college mode behavior. Part of the issue here is that this has nothing to do with you as a person, or you as a girlfriend, and so there is very little that you can do. He broke up with you because of the classic, “It’s not you, it’s me” line, but this time it’s true. Obviously you guys had been going out for awhile, but the break up shook you up because you don’t understand the cause. He broke up with you not because he didn’t like you anymore or because there were complications within the relationship, but because of the complications outside of it. He loved you, maybe he still does, but the time spent with you could not compare to what he observed his friends engaging in. Being a male in a relationship in college means to them no freedom, no flexibility to do what or who they want. Even if everything in your relationship was perfect, which is only possible in a fairytale, that still could not disabuse him of thinking of what it would be like if he were single.
The “Grass is Greener” theory is proven in the two reasons he gave you: obviously he makes this very clear with the first one, but it’s the second reason that gives you a clue into what is really going on. By bringing in his friends, you can definitely see how his male-male relationships are pressuring him from the outside to join them. Even if he loves you, this idea is extremely seductive and normally his friends will win. This does not mean that you are not worth something to him, only that he cannot reconcile his relationship with you and the pressure of “being one of the guys”, hence his confusion, which brings me back to your confusion.
Before you jump into trying to win him back, because this will be a battle between your desire and his libido, you should pause and ask yourself if you think he will even be open to the idea of getting back together, and if so how long that feeling will last. If he had already invested a year with you before he broke it off, he clearly had a lot of time to realize what you have to offer in terms of a relationship. If this was not enough for him the first time, it is highly unlikely that he will be satisfied a second time around, especially when you consider how young and impressionable college men can be.
If you feel that he will be receptive to the idea of getting back together, then the only advice I can give you would be to approach him primarily as a friend. Explain to him that you miss him in your life (which seems obviously true even if you want more than friendship), and want to at least see each other once in a while and keep in contact. Don’t try to pressure him into entering any kind of commitment while you’re still trying to ease your way back into each other’s lives. The rest is up to you, remember how you two got together in the first place, and remember what made you click. You can’t force someone to be with you no matter how much you love him, or how much he may love you (which he very well could presently). Commitment is a choice, a serious choice, and nudging or pushing someone into something they aren’t ready for or don’t really want can end up hurting you and them.
How To Get Boyfriend Back After He Broke Up With You
November 23, 2011 | Leave a Comment
Dear Curtis,
My boyfriend of 1 year broke up with me… he says he still loves me and cares for me.. and he wants to be there for me… just he’s not ready for a relationship.. but i really love him.. and i want to do my best to help him get ready to have a relationship.. I’m afraid he’ll like someone else by then… I’m really depressed right now
… please help… ~ France
Dear France,
Your boyfriend may very well love and care for you, but if he’s not ready for a relationship then there is nothing you can do to help him prepare for one. This readiness has to come from inside him, and although you can be there for him and support him in whatever he needs to go through, there is no way for you to make him ready.
It seems odd, though, that he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship after a whole year of being in one. Perhaps his claims of not being ready translate to him not wanting a serious commitment. (Usually, in cases where people aren’t ready for relationships, they mean the commitment aspect.) If it’s not that, then his “not being ready” might be a vague justification, an unfounded excuse for the breakup when in reality, he doesn’t have those feelings anymore and doesn’t have the courage to tell you the truth. If he said he doesn’t want a relationship (serious or otherwise), but then has a new partner a few weeks later, that’s a good indication.
Ask yourself this: do both of you want the same things in the future, a family or marriage or settling down? If you don’t, then maybe he simply wasn’t the guy for you. If you do and he is ready to commit, then it means he simply doesn’t want to be with you anymore. If you do and he isn’t ready to commit to that yet, you can either get over him or wait for him to hopefully come back to you when he is ready.
If you stick around long enough, maybe he’ll want you back. It’s a huge risk to take, especially when you’re putting your heart on the line indefinitely for something that may or may not happen, but maybe in the end you’ll see that it’s worth it. If not, maybe getting over him is the right step to take. If he’s not ready for a relationship but you are, you don’t have to wait around forever just to have one. In this case, you have every right to go out and get what you need. Like I said before, only he can know and decide when he is and isn’t ready for a relationship, and with whom; all you can do is be there for him or not. The choice, of course, is yours.
My Ex Has a New Girlfriend, Can I Win Him Back?
November 18, 2011 | Leave a Comment
Dear Candice,
I’m 30 so this isn’t one of them crazy plots to get him back (unless its possible haha). I was with my ex for 5 years, we lived together for 1 year as a couple. Then I got scared at the fact I was his first relationship and I split up with him, (In a sort of set him free act). We stayed best of friends, because we still loved each other and lived together, with other friends, a further 3 years. He began seeing other girls and I started seeing other lads. But nothing serious.
Then my ex and I started having a little “fling” last year, and I thought we may get back together. I never said anything, and then he started seeing a girl. They have been together 6 months and they have already started talking about getting a place together. I am heart broken and I really thought that in the end like most tacky films we would end up back together, once we were ready. What do I do? Is there anything I can do? ~ Charlotte
Dear Charlotte,
I’m so sorry you’re heartbroken, I know how awful that is. It sounds like you and your ex had a great thing going, although living together after you break up and remaining really close friends doesn’t seem like such a good idea to me, but if you say it was fine, then I believe you. Most of the time couples that break up but remain close do so because of unresolved feelings, either for one or both people. I think that was definitely the case for you two. From what I can tell, neither of you wanted to let go of the other completely, so the friends situation worked well, because neither of you wanted to lose the other.
Now, the situation has changed. You want separate things: you want him back, but he wants to move on. If he has already begun planning on moving in with this girl, you need to act quickly! To clarify, this does not mean act desperately, which I know is hard to distinguish. Quickly means that you no longer have the luxury of ambivalence. You need to make up your mind and decide if you really want to make something work with him long term. You have been sending him mixed signals for a long time, first the relationship, then the break up, then the friendship, then the hook up, now you want to be back together. You can see how he might not take you seriously, so you need to be careful when you tell him all of this.
You will have to tell him all of this. That’s part of acting quickly also. Once you make up your mind that you truly want to be with him, you have to let him know! He won’t magically break up with this other girl and come running back to you. You have to at least give him the benefit of knowing how you really feel. So, when the two of you have a minute alone, tell him that you have something serious you need to talk to him about. And then just tell him. Don’t beat around the bush, and try not to let him interrupt you before you explain how serious you are, because as I said earlier, he probably won’t immediately believe you.
Also, try to let him understand that you don’t want him to give you an answer right away. Just that you thought he should know, and that you’re feelings won’t change (which, they won’t because that’s part of the decision that you have already made) and you want him to take some time to think about it. Even if you feel like you need to know right away, and the anticipation might kill you, this is very important. Your ex will probably be very overwhelmed and confused, which will most likely result in him giving you a denial if he feels pressured to act or commit immediately. By giving him an open ended time to think things over, the pressure is off, you don’t seem like his jailer, and he has the chance to really consider what the two of you could be like together. If he cares about you as much as you care about him, then hopefully things will work out. I think this is the most honest and sincere way you can alert him to your feelings and stop the moving out process, without looking like you just want him to stay for the sake of friendship.
However, before you tell him all of this, please make sure you spend some quality time considering why you suddenly realized that you want to get back together. Make sure that you want him back because of who he is, and how great you guys were, and not because finally seeing him with another person has made you very jealous, not that being jealous is invalid or anything. Jealousy feels horrible and usually makes you want to do drastic things, but it is not a solid reason to get back together with someone. You need to make sure that you absolutely want him back no matter what!
How To Fix Communication Problems In A Relationship
November 11, 2011 | Leave a Comment
Dear Candice,
Whenever my b/f and I row, and it comes to sorting it out, he says I should guess what is wrong with him and say sorry for what I have done, he said it is worrying that I don’t know what I have done (these are silly rows over silly things) and he will refuse to be nice and talk things through. I honestly sometimes don’t know what has upset him, which is why I normally ask. Sometimes he will ignore me for days until I say sorry. I admit at the time I do find it difficult to see what I have done wrong until we talk things through and he explains what has upset him.
Also when we row, he gets angry and refuses to compromise, even though I try my best to ask him to reach a solution together. He sees things very black and white and often says he can’t understand where I am coming from.
Is it unreasonable for him to say I should guess? ~ Rebecca
Dear Rebecca,
I think you already know the answer to your own question: “Is it unreasonable…”. Of course, this is unreasonable! For many reasons, in fact:
1. His lack of desire to want to communicate with you openly and honestly is a sign that he is not interested in anything you have to say. This does not mean he is not interested in having you for a girlfriend, but consider what that does suggest. He wants you, but does not want to listen to you. He has literally stopped the only constructive way a couple can work through their issues, which is inevitable in all relationships. By refusing to listen to you, or even allow an open communication channel, he has seriously restricted your relationship.
2. This demand that you should be all knowing and omniscient is beyond any human’s capacity. If everyone could immediately understand their partner, break ups would not exist. This puts all the responsibility of making the relationship continue to flow smoothly on you, with none on him. That’s a huge amount of work and pressure on you, something that should be equally worked on by both partners in all relationships. If he cannot make the effort to simply “talk” with you about what is bothering him, then I doubt he will be able to make any kind of serious effort when you two encounter the bigger issues that all couples face.
3. The denial to discuss his own feelings should alert you that he doesn’t know what his own feelings are. This does not sound very threatening, but if a person cannot aptly identify what they are feeling, or what is causing those feelings, then they cannot take the necessary steps to correct them. For example, forcing you to “guess” what is going on in his head allows you to identify the problem, and then you take the action to rectify it. But this equation obviously is totally unfair to you, and a sign that he needs to grow up!
4. The most disturbing aspect of this concerns how he views you as a woman, and as his “partner”. Now, I don’t know for sure how you feel about feminism, but I am assuming that you would like to have some basic rights in your life, your work, and your relationship. By controlling these aspects of your relationship, causing you so much stress and anxiety, your guy literally has all the power, which leaves you with none. You are a smart intelligent woman, so take it back. Either address this issue head on, and make him understand how fundamentally unethical and ridiculous it is for you to meet these demands, or find someone who would never ask you to do those things in the first place.
I know the idea of giving up on someone is ugly, especially when you’ve invested so much time into building the relationship. However, the investment that you made with him has not benefitted you if this is the current situation. You may have experienced beautiful and rewarding moments, even years, with your guy, but clearly that moment has passed and you need to recognize this is not healthy, and you deserve better.
Candice Garcia’s and Curtis Daniel’s Blog
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