Christmas Depression – How To Survive The Season

December 18, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Dear Candice,

I have a friend who always falls in depression every year, around Christmas, for personal reasons. I really want to know how to help her deal with it. How can I help my friend, who is in Christmas depression? – Farah

Dear Farah,

I also have a friend who falls in Christmas depression. During holiday season, when most us are out celebrating with friends and families, she would rather spend her time alone and not accept calls. I and the rest of our friends were at a loss as to how to console her. You see, the stresses associated with Christmas can bring about depressive illness. For those affected by depression, Christmas can be the very worst time of the year.

There’s a lot of contributing factors of Christmas depression. Christmas can be a sad and gloomy time for those who live alone, they feel more isolated when faced with greater socializing going on around them. Holiday season, can be a worrying season as well, particularly for those on low incomes and benefits. Even those who work during the holidays, but are also expected to engage in the usual round of parties and drinks evenings, depression is more likely to come to them.

Many who do not wish to be reminded of their hardships at this time of year are still very much in need of a friend. The usual round of parties and drunken revels do not help much, or do not help at all. It is quite likely that we will have a drink at some time during the festive season. However, while one or two drinks once in a while may help people relax and cheer them up, remember that alcohol is a depressant and can exacerbate the symptoms of depression. Spending some quality time with your friend over a meal or an evening of movies and popcorn might be more helpful. Try something different but above all be sensitive to your friend’s needs.

Encourage your friend to talk it out. Your friend may be feeling sad and tired, but probably still look the same to you. Unless your friend tells you how she feels, you won’t understand what is wrong. And when she begin to share her emotions, be a listening ear for her. It’s an important treatment for depression.

Help your friend to plan activities ahead. If she’s worried about being alone, help her find out what is going on in your area. Check local newspapers or the Internet to find out what community events are going on. Volunteering at a local food bank, hospital, or church choir are some of the activities you may look into joining. Try to find out about this as early as possible. Also, see whether there is a good day or time for her to visit friends or relatives.

Lastly, make her remember that the Christmas holidays are only for two weeks. After that, things get back to normal. Reassure to her that while depression will last a little longer, it too will pass. It doesn’t last forever! Depression affects one in five of us at some point. It can be especially difficult to cope with Christmas depression, it will really be helpful to make her feel that she is not alone.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice 

Manifestations That You’re In A Toxic Relationship You Didn’t Know – Until Now

May 8, 2009 | 5 Comments

Dear Candice,

I’ve been to a really rough relationship, it was toxic, really unhealthy that my partner turned to an abusive one. I really want to avoid that kind of relationship, I don’t want to be in the same scenario ever again. I am now exclusively dating someone, what are the red flags of a potentially abusive or toxic relationship that I should watch? — Noreen

Dear Noreen,

Many people suffer from an unhealthy relationship. More often than not, if you are in the middle of a toxic relationship, you are too preoccupied to see how detrimental the relationship is for you and your boyfriend’s self-respect. Other people may ask you why choose to stay in the relationship and that your boyfriend is not good for you. Sometimes, you feel your boyfriend loves you, convinced that disagreements do happen in a relationship. However, most of the time, you feel down for being neglected and you can’t seem to understand what’s going on.

You can tell that you’re in a toxic relationship if:

  • Your partner puts you down (verbally) in front of other.
  • While your partner says they love you, their actions don’t back it up.
  • Your thoughts, opinions, accomplishments, or words are devalued.
  • Your partner tries to make you dependent on them.
  • Your partner makes you feel unattractive or stupid that you have changed things about yourself to please them.

Being around with toxic people is really not a good feeling, so how one can possibly stay in a toxic relationship? How can one choose to stay with someone who’s abusive and does nothing but harm, physically or emotionally?

Like any other problems in life, a toxic relationship has a cycle. First stage, the honeymoon period, then tensions build up… blow up, then agree for a recon and then over again. One has to put an end to it, if not, bad things will happen over and over again that makes it more difficult to get out.

People who grew up in toxic homes tend to have more patience to stay in a toxic relationship. Physical and emotional harm are normal to them, that they tend to imitate the actions done by an abused parent or sibling, without even realizing they’re doing it. What’s more disturbing is that they believe they deserve to be hurt and that no one will ever accept them again because of their past.

What they must realize is they do have a choice, so they can get out and stay out of toxic relationships. Low self-esteem, depression and desperation are the tendencies for people who stay in such relationship. They do need something to encourage them to stand up and get their life back. They must realize that it’s not their fault and they have a choice to walk away and live a better life.

For some people, joining therapy groups works to redefine and move away from these terrible relationships. There are some people who were able to maneuver the situation, put an end to the vicious cycle of toxic relationships, and form a new and far more healthier bond. This can happen to you, all you have to do is to make a choice.

On the other hand, some were able to patch the things up and stay in the relationship. It’s true that most relationships can be saved, it takes a little space though, and an ample time to heal. It sometimes needs counseling. To be able to renew the bonds in a healthy way, both should make an effort. Both must decide, do they want to renew what they have and improve it or walk away.

Liberating oneself from the dependency is they key to start asserting what you need from the connection. Do not put the blame to the other. Instead say “I need your support,” “I need your love,” or “I need your truthful opinion.” If the other person is not responsive, you should be prepared to walk and move on with your life.

A healthy relationship is a two way street. A two way street doesn’t exist in a toxic relationship. We all do have the strength to put an end to it, all we have to do is to put that strength into our hands.

Companion? Yes, that we all need. However we should not sell ourselves short and let someone disrespects us. We all have cravings for companionship, but its not worth staying in toxic relationships, lowering our standards of what love is supposed to be.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Problems in Relationship 

There Was No Big Secret To Understanding Women

April 27, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Dear Candice,

I’ve been reading your blog and I think that you’re the best person to ask since you talk about women mostly. I’m nice, outgoing, down to earth, Always told that I am hilarious. I make plans for nice days. Go hiking, camping, to the beach, whatever I can think of. I try to hang out with everyone, especially women, and I try to make sure that we all are having a good time. But still, why am I having such a hard time finding a girlfriend? Maybe because I’m having a hard time understanding women too? I don’t understand why they always decorate their workspace with so many candles and they never even burn them, things like that. — Tyrone

Dear Tyrone,

Men do mingle, party and chat with women in hopes to understand and learn more about them. Socializing can be a good way for sure, but understanding women is simply not just a matter of mingling with them effectively. A very strange thing to say but true that many men, even the smart ones, do have trouble understanding women. Because men often think that women do have different communications styles. Some also think that women came from another planet.

I am often asked by male friends why it can sometimes be embarrassingly awkward talking to ladies they find attractive. They would also ask what women want, how to get them to like someone. Questions they really need to be answered in order to understand women. I sometimes couldn’t answer easily. It was like their problems understanding women were so deep that they needed someone to explain it bullets by bullets.

One of my male friends got one of those “how to get the women you want” self-help books. He reads it page by page, and tries to apply every bit of advice he can find. He would always go out in hopes to meet single ladies in bars, and try to get as much phone numbers as he possibly can. He didn’t get any luck and it was a bit odd for him at first. But when he was getting up the task, ladies get to relate to him and its always effortless for him understanding women.

However, that friend of mine couldn’t get to a romantic relationship still. Sure, he was able to attract women, but not for long. It didn’t last even for a month.

So he came back to me asking questions again. At this time, I told him just a couple of things. First, there was no big secret to understanding women. Second, women want to be treated as individuals, just like men. From then on he was no longer a slimy guy I used to know. They way he interacts with ladies changed. I’m pretty sure there was some breakthrough there, those two things are the things I knew he wanted and needed to hear at some point. Hope you get to have the same breakthrough after reading this.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Problems in Relationship 

How Do Men Characterize Beautiful Women? Truth Revealed!

April 6, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Dear Candice,

I’ve been in the modeling industry for four years. Having the opportunity to work as a model has also allowed to meet a lot of people. I’ve dated some cool dudes but haven’t really had any serious relationship. It seems that honest, sincere, and loyal man, in this industry, is hard to come by. Modesty aside, I got good looks. If good looks is so important for men, how they don’t take me seriously? How do men characterize beautiful women? – Margery

Dear Margery,

What makes you beautiful is actually more than your appearance, size and shape. Your personality is your true source of beauty. As Sir Francis Bacon would say: “The best part of beauty is that which no picture can express.”

Most men look for something more than meets the eye. They often call it, the “inner beauty”, a personality that can touch human soul with laughter, intelligence, mannerisms and confidence. However, it’s also true that humans are basically visual creatures and prefer those who are aesthetically pleasing to the eye. That’s why sometimes, it takes time before someone can actually see the inner beauty in you.

I’m sure you’ve already heard about a new type of reality TV show, airing now. The topic? Beautiful women. There’s a twist though. Evidently, the participants are given to understand that the bottom line is who is physically superior. The previews, promoting the show, have snippets of interviews with these beautiful women, stating their own views of their relative beauty on a scale of 1 to 10. The real agenda of the show is to determine which of these beautiful women has true beauty which is more than skin deep.

Here’s a comment from one of the contenders: “Just look at me. Yes, I look in the mirror constantly and I like what I see. Wouldn’t you agree?” In the majority, the women appear to be highly narcissistic and shallow to boot, stating that they are surely a 20, on the 1-10 scale.

So, what really makes beautiful women beautiful to the ordinary man? Bleached hair and overdone makeup doesn’t seem to impress a regular guy as constituting the woman of his dreams. He’s looking for other qualities that are more than skin deep. As far as the visual appeal, men really want a girl with a bit more refinement. The celebrity look only goes so far and doesn’t last long. Men tend to associate the overdone celebrity with a personality that doesn’t stand the test of time.

Sure, men enjoy a woman’s physical appearance as much as the next guy. However, nothing matters but personality, when they’re looking for a serious relationship. Men do appreciate women of a generous, joyful and gentle spirit. In the eyes of most men, beautiful women are possessed of all of these qualities, a.k.a “inner beauty”. Men are perhaps more astute in their assessment of beautiful women than women might think!

We can only wait to see how these reality show contestants fare. What’s pretty difficult to figure is how they’ve been duped into thinking it’s all about looks. Are they truly so conceited, or is it all a hype? Either way, it would be fun to root for a truly beautiful woman, who didn’t rate herself a ‘20′ on a scale of 1-10.

When it comes to real life… beauty is really in the eyes of the beholder. Different people have different ideas about what is aesthetically pleasing to the eye. So, let me end this one with another quote by Sophia Loren: “Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical.” This implies that feeling good about yourself is the connection between beauty and self-image. The more comfortable you are in your own skin, the more beautiful you are and you can actually be.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice 

Get The Right Balance Between Your Natural Beauty And Makeup Products

April 1, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Dear Candice,

My mom won’t let me wear anything but cover up and lip gloss. I didn’t bother at first, but now all of my friends are wearing it. I just want a little mascara and eyeshadow though, and maybe eyeliner too. By the way, I’m 13 years old and in junior high. Why am I being restricted? — Sharron

Dear Sharron,

That’s exactly how it was for me when I was 13. Only cover up and lip gloss. I exactly know how you feel but coming from experience, if you start wearing too much at this age people might get the wrong idea. You wonder why you’ve got to be restricted. In the first place, it’s unlikely, if your Mom is restricting you to lipstick, that other Moms are giving the green light and your friends are buying and applying this makeup on the sly. It’s funny that it’s only when you’re older, you realize Mom was right. You’ll be the same party pooper when you have a daughter of your own.

Most Moms allow a light lipstick or gloss to be worn to school when you’re 13 or 14 years old. The simple truth is, it’s age appropriate. Young girls, with their beautiful complexions and radiant skin, have natural beauty and makeup is only trying to gild the lily. Heavier makeup, such as mascara, eye shadows and liners actually serve only to hide your natural beauty. You still have the face of a child in many ways and heavy applications of makeup cover up your real assets.

For one thing, the bones of your face are not fully developed at your young age. As you approach adulthood, your face tends to lengthen. This is when balancing beauty and makeup enters a new phase. Take a look next time you’re at the mall. You’ll notice that, as women get older, some tend to use more makeup. Why? Makeup can cover up a number of flaws, such as aging skin, wrinkles and enlarged pores. With the fading of natural beauty, makeup is used to hide imperfections. As you get older, the relationship of beauty and makeup tends to reverse! Exit natural youthful beauty, enter more and heavier makeup.

As you walk through the mall doing your survey, try to be polite and not stare! You’ll see what I’m saying is true. Women who wear too much makeup tend to look harsh and lack a certain amount of femininity.

No matter what your age, the right balance of natural beauty and makeup may be summed up like this: the less makeup you can get away with using, the better! Using heavy mascara regularly can be tough on your eyelashes and may actually cause them to thin by the time you’re in your twenties. Using eyeshadow and eye liners requires that they be removed each day, which stretches this delicate skin. Do you really want saggy, wrinkled skin around the eyes before you’re thirty? Foundations and face makeup causes your skin to age prematurely.

Another myth about beauty and makeup is that girls imagine that boys will find them more attractive, or that makeup makes them look older. The truth is, boys are suspicious of girls who wear heavy makeup – they wonder what they’re hiding, both on their face and in their personalities! Wearing tons of makeup may make you look older, but not in a flattering way.

Beauty and makeup can coexist nicely. Mascara and eye shadow, lightly applied, with lipstick, are fine for special occasions. Hang onto your natural beauty as long as you can. You really don’t want to be that older, over made up woman at the mall some day, do you? Didn’t think so.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice 

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