How To Forget An Ex
June 25, 2010 | Leave a Comment
Dear Candice,
How do I take my ex off my thoughts? It’s been three years? How to forget an ex? She was my first and only. It sickens me to think of her but it still happens. And everywhere from real life to social networking, I’m always worried about how I appear to her… So yeah, how do I get this toxic clog out of my arteries? Thanks – Will
Dear Will,
Forgetting a past relationship can be difficult, it’s not really a matter of time.. but how you spend your time after your relationship went downhill. It seems that there’s nothing you can do, but to forget her. It’s definitely not as easy as it sounds, but surely there are ways to forget an ex and start over again in no time.
Have closure. It is important to definitively cut any desires of getting back together. And if you cannot get that into your head, your ex owes you the courtesy of it even clearer than the crystal. You need to realize you do not have feelings for each other anymore and will never reconcile.
Get bad emotions out on paper. Write a letter pouring out your bad feelings, then mentally remove them from yourself. Bin the letter or better, burn it. You must never send the letter to her. It may just cause you more harm than good.
Exercise your new-found freedom. Freedom is always invigorating. There is a lot of things that you can partake in that you weren’t able to enjoy since your girlfriend didn’t approve. So comfort yourself. Travel. Go camping. Play video games with your friends. Do things that you weren’t able to do because you are considering her presence. It could be ideal to find an activity that will let you put out your anger and relieves stress.
Hang out with your friends. Let your buddies provide you with a reality check on how your ex wasn’t everything to begin with, and that there are plenty of fish in the sea. Just a little male companionship can definitely go a long way in order to get your head straight.
Forgetting an ex is a mental and emotional challenge. However, the tried and true guidelines above should have your heart mended soon enough.
How To Apologize Effectively, Especially During a Breakup
March 18, 2010 | Leave a Comment
Once you’re in a relationship, getting hurt or causing someone to be hurt is inevitable. What’s important is you know how to apologize effectively and sincerely, especially during a breakup. A friend once told me, that an apology is just like a scalpel. Used correctly, it saves lives. Used badly, and it will sever the heart – for GOOD.
Saying the word ”sorry” is easy enough, but only a few of us know how to make an effective apology. Many relationships end up breaking because we say “sorry” without really apologizing. For an apology to count as one, it has to be apology in the trust sense of the word – an admission of wrongdoing without excuses or justification.
“I’m sorry but…” just doesn’t hack it – it’s not an apology; it is an attempt at an apology. In rebuilding a relationship, what then is a genuine apology? One has to admit the responsibility. No matter what you do, never follow “I’m sorry” with a BUT. A “but” is a justification. Thus, showing your ex that it is a compromise rather than a genuine apology. It’s like telling your ex to shift the blame elsewhere.
Giving an apology must be just in time. The sooner you offer an apology, the lesser the hurt can become inflamed. Your apology should be made the following day or week, if not on the day itself. There’s no point in apologizing for forgetting your ex’s birthday three months ago. Be specific. Name what you did wrong and apologize for it.
“I’m sorry” is simply too generic, you must specify precisely what you are sorry for so she/he will know you know exactly what you did wrong. An apology must offer an explanation. Your ex may not be ready to hear this, especially during the raw days after a breakup. Tell your ex the truth that he or she deserves. Although it hurts, your ex would absolutely want your explanation later on.
A genuine apology must make amends. There is nothing physical to repair. But hearts and trusts shatter worse than any real object so make these the focus of your repair work. Ask her/him sincerely, “What can I do to make amends?” Once you have the answer, commit to it. If your objective is to heal the rift of your relationship and get your ex back, never use these phony apologies, as follows:
“I’m sorry if I offended you.” This phony apology implies two things, first, that your apology is conditional and second, that the person you are apologizing to is simply over-reacting so it really is her fault that he/she is offended. You’re not a politician but you sure have the art of double-speak down to a science with this line. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” This implies there was no mistake and that the only thing wrong with the scenario is that the other person’s nose is slightly out of joint. You are not apologizing for a mistake, this is you shifting the blame to the other person with the bad feeling.
“I’m sorry you misunderstood.” This is another way of shifting the blame. Rather than apologize for a mistake, this line points out it’s the other person’s fault for not getting what was really meant.
When you are in a relationship, you always apologize and you always explain to work things out. Certainly, loving someone means you’re willing to say you’re sorry… not once but always.
Christmas Depression – How To Survive The Season
December 18, 2009 | Leave a Comment
Dear Candice,
I have a friend who always falls in depression every year, around Christmas, for personal reasons. I really want to know how to help her deal with it. How can I help my friend, who is in Christmas depression? – Farah
Dear Farah,
I also have a friend who falls in Christmas depression. During holiday season, when most us are out celebrating with friends and families, she would rather spend her time alone and not accept calls. I and the rest of our friends were at a loss as to how to console her. You see, the stresses associated with Christmas can bring about depressive illness. For those affected by depression, Christmas can be the very worst time of the year.
There’s a lot of contributing factors of Christmas depression. Christmas can be a sad and gloomy time for those who live alone, they feel more isolated when faced with greater socializing going on around them. Holiday season, can be a worrying season as well, particularly for those on low incomes and benefits. Even those who work during the holidays, but are also expected to engage in the usual round of parties and drinks evenings, depression is more likely to come to them.
Many who do not wish to be reminded of their hardships at this time of year are still very much in need of a friend. The usual round of parties and drunken revels do not help much, or do not help at all. It is quite likely that we will have a drink at some time during the festive season. However, while one or two drinks once in a while may help people relax and cheer them up, remember that alcohol is a depressant and can exacerbate the symptoms of depression. Spending some quality time with your friend over a meal or an evening of movies and popcorn might be more helpful. Try something different but above all be sensitive to your friend’s needs.
Encourage your friend to talk it out. Your friend may be feeling sad and tired, but probably still look the same to you. Unless your friend tells you how she feels, you won’t understand what is wrong. And when she begin to share her emotions, be a listening ear for her. It’s an important treatment for depression.
Help your friend to plan activities ahead. If she’s worried about being alone, help her find out what is going on in your area. Check local newspapers or the Internet to find out what community events are going on. Volunteering at a local food bank, hospital, or church choir are some of the activities you may look into joining. Try to find out about this as early as possible. Also, see whether there is a good day or time for her to visit friends or relatives.
Lastly, make her remember that the Christmas holidays are only for two weeks. After that, things get back to normal. Reassure to her that while depression will last a little longer, it too will pass. It doesn’t last forever! Depression affects one in five of us at some point. It can be especially difficult to cope with Christmas depression, it will really be helpful to make her feel that she is not alone.
Manifestations That You’re In A Toxic Relationship You Didn’t Know – Until Now
May 8, 2009 | 5 Comments
Dear Candice,
I’ve been to a really rough relationship, it was toxic, really unhealthy that my partner turned to an abusive one. I really want to avoid that kind of relationship, I don’t want to be in the same scenario ever again. I am now exclusively dating someone, what are the red flags of a potentially abusive or toxic relationship that I should watch? — Noreen
Dear Noreen,
Many people suffer from an unhealthy relationship. More often than not, if you are in the middle of a toxic relationship, you are too preoccupied to see how detrimental the relationship is for you and your boyfriend’s self-respect. Other people may ask you why choose to stay in the relationship and that your boyfriend is not good for you. Sometimes, you feel your boyfriend loves you, convinced that disagreements do happen in a relationship. However, most of the time, you feel down for being neglected and you can’t seem to understand what’s going on.
You can tell that you’re in a toxic relationship if:
- Your partner puts you down (verbally) in front of other.
- While your partner says they love you, their actions don’t back it up.
- Your thoughts, opinions, accomplishments, or words are devalued.
- Your partner tries to make you dependent on them.
- Your partner makes you feel unattractive or stupid that you have changed things about yourself to please them.
Being around with toxic people is really not a good feeling, so how one can possibly stay in a toxic relationship? How can one choose to stay with someone who’s abusive and does nothing but harm, physically or emotionally?
Like any other problems in life, a toxic relationship has a cycle. First stage, the honeymoon period, then tensions build up… blow up, then agree for a recon and then over again. One has to put an end to it, if not, bad things will happen over and over again that makes it more difficult to get out.
People who grew up in toxic homes tend to have more patience to stay in a toxic relationship. Physical and emotional harm are normal to them, that they tend to imitate the actions done by an abused parent or sibling, without even realizing they’re doing it. What’s more disturbing is that they believe they deserve to be hurt and that no one will ever accept them again because of their past.
What they must realize is they do have a choice, so they can get out and stay out of toxic relationships. Low self-esteem, depression and desperation are the tendencies for people who stay in such relationship. They do need something to encourage them to stand up and get their life back. They must realize that it’s not their fault and they have a choice to walk away and live a better life.
For some people, joining therapy groups works to redefine and move away from these terrible relationships. There are some people who were able to maneuver the situation, put an end to the vicious cycle of toxic relationships, and form a new and far more healthier bond. This can happen to you, all you have to do is to make a choice.
On the other hand, some were able to patch the things up and stay in the relationship. It’s true that most relationships can be saved, it takes a little space though, and an ample time to heal. It sometimes needs counseling. To be able to renew the bonds in a healthy way, both should make an effort. Both must decide, do they want to renew what they have and improve it or walk away.
Liberating oneself from the dependency is they key to start asserting what you need from the connection. Do not put the blame to the other. Instead say “I need your support,” “I need your love,” or “I need your truthful opinion.” If the other person is not responsive, you should be prepared to walk and move on with your life.
A healthy relationship is a two way street. A two way street doesn’t exist in a toxic relationship. We all do have the strength to put an end to it, all we have to do is to put that strength into our hands.
Companion? Yes, that we all need. However we should not sell ourselves short and let someone disrespects us. We all have cravings for companionship, but its not worth staying in toxic relationships, lowering our standards of what love is supposed to be.
There Was No Big Secret To Understanding Women
April 27, 2009 | Leave a Comment
Dear Candice,
I’ve been reading your blog and I think that you’re the best person to ask since you talk about women mostly. I’m nice, outgoing, down to earth, Always told that I am hilarious. I make plans for nice days. Go hiking, camping, to the beach, whatever I can think of. I try to hang out with everyone, especially women, and I try to make sure that we all are having a good time. But still, why am I having such a hard time finding a girlfriend? Maybe because I’m having a hard time understanding women too? I don’t understand why they always decorate their workspace with so many candles and they never even burn them, things like that. — Tyrone
Dear Tyrone,
Men do mingle, party and chat with women in hopes to understand and learn more about them. Socializing can be a good way for sure, but understanding women is simply not just a matter of mingling with them effectively. A very strange thing to say but true that many men, even the smart ones, do have trouble understanding women. Because men often think that women do have different communications styles. Some also think that women came from another planet.
I am often asked by male friends why it can sometimes be embarrassingly awkward talking to ladies they find attractive. They would also ask what women want, how to get them to like someone. Questions they really need to be answered in order to understand women. I sometimes couldn’t answer easily. It was like their problems understanding women were so deep that they needed someone to explain it bullets by bullets.
One of my male friends got one of those “how to get the women you want” self-help books. He reads it page by page, and tries to apply every bit of advice he can find. He would always go out in hopes to meet single ladies in bars, and try to get as much phone numbers as he possibly can. He didn’t get any luck and it was a bit odd for him at first. But when he was getting up the task, ladies get to relate to him and its always effortless for him understanding women.
However, that friend of mine couldn’t get to a romantic relationship still. Sure, he was able to attract women, but not for long. It didn’t last even for a month.
So he came back to me asking questions again. At this time, I told him just a couple of things. First, there was no big secret to understanding women. Second, women want to be treated as individuals, just like men. From then on he was no longer a slimy guy I used to know. They way he interacts with ladies changed. I’m pretty sure there was some breakthrough there, those two things are the things I knew he wanted and needed to hear at some point. Hope you get to have the same breakthrough after reading this.
Candice Garcia’s Blog
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