Dear Candice,

How do you know when or if a relationship is toxic? What are the signs? How long does it typically take to figure it out? I mean, I know as you are just getting to know someone there will be questions, issues, speed bumps, etc….but at what point do you just realize things aren’t what they should be? ~ Amanda

Dear Amanda,

This is a really tricky question. Not only is this extremely difficult to answer because I don’t definitely know what you describe as “toxic”, but also because different people can handle different things, and need different things. To start off, I would just say as a blanket statement that if the relationship you are in (any kind) makes you feel any sort of uncomfortable ( HUGE range of emotions) for more than 20% of your time, then it is not worth it.

Being in a relationship is complicated but by definition you are expected to compromise on things that you want, this is a given and there is no way getting around it. The difficulty therein lies in how much and what you are compromising to be with this person. Any kind of physical or verbal abuse is unacceptable. This is not debatable, and there is no reason to “classify” what qualifies as verbal or physical abuse. If the person you are with makes you feel unsafe in any way, you need to let them go as soon as you can. I would argue that abuse is the highest level of “toxic”, and again, I have no idea what you consider toxic, or what you are personally going through, but this is true for everyone.

With that said, being in a so-called toxic relationship does not necessarily mean that there is any real significant clue that you can directly pinpoint. There may be as you said, speed bumps and disagreements that can add up to a bigger, insurmountable problem. I would suggest that the rule of thumb in any relationship you find yourself in, is asking yourself the right question, and answering yourself truthfully.

For example , if you have had the same fight for whatever reason more than three times, ask yourself what is the real problem that is stimulating the argument. Once you can clearly define the crux of the problem, the next step is to ask yourself how you would like to fix it. Identifying a solution is often difficult and unrewarding because once you have one, you need to discuss it with your partner. I am going to assume they do not like the plan you come up with, which brings you back to another question: Why don’t they like it? Identifying his needs in relation to yours is critical and necessary in every fight, disagreement, and argument. Understanding the driving forces in each other’s character is the only way to determine whether you can compromise or if you are in fact not that compatible. If you discover that what he wants is something you are really not willing to sacrifice, then I would say you have found yourself in an unhealthy, or “toxic”, relationship.

As for the length of time, I am sorry to tell you that there is no measurable statistics on this. You are your own person, learn to know what you can and will not do or tolerate. The best part of a relationship is not only getting to know someone else, but also getting to know yourself. Take this opportunity to discover what you want out of yourself, your life, and your partner, and be sure to clearly define what you are definitely not willing to give up, whether that is religion, certain foods, or shower privileges. Everyone is allowed to be themselves, and if you are with someone who is constantly trying to modify you, that is what I consider toxic.

Dear Curtis,

I’ll leave out all the details but I feel like my boyfriend is losing interest in me a little bit and we’ve been arguing lately. How can I prevent this? We still exchange “I love you” and we see each other a lot, I just feel like he’s disappointed in how I am. Help??

I feel like this because he’s not as verbally affectionate and we’ve been arguing about things which I makes him feel annoyed at me. I’m annoyed with him at these times, as well, but being me… I’m always trying to accommodate and fix things. I feel like I put myself out there so much and he’s stubborn and it’s hard to come to an agreement at times. We basically have compromised by now but I still feel like I’m letting him down. ~ Tink

Dear Tink,

I’m not sure if this makes you feel any better, but what you and your boyfriend are currently going through is very common. Every relationship goes through phases, and you just happen to be in a “slump”, for lack of a better term. I know you feel like you both equally compromise to accommodate the other, maybe you do a little (or a lot) more of this than your guy, which is also quite typical in most relationships, but you might want to think about the reasons how you two fell into this slump, and try and figure out a way to get out of it.

Before you jump to the conclusion that your boyfriend is losing interest in you, consider that both of you have just been dating each other for a while and some of the initial excitement has worn off. This is bound to occur, and no one person is to blame for it. There are several things you can do alone and with the boyfriend to try and get that spark back!

Embark on an Adventure Together
1. A great way to remind each other how fun and attractive the other person really is, is to go out and experience new things. Planning new kinds of dates, taking a long weekend together, or if money is super tight, simply getting a neat recipe offline and cook yourselves a meal, together! Maybe make some group date nights with other couples, or plan a big excursion with all of your mutual friends! Spicing up your life does not necessarily mean trying something romantic or sexy, although that could definitely work. The point of this to remind each other that you are still a fun, interesting person, despite the fact that you now know each other’s secrets!

Warning!: This does not mean go out and experience new people individually, for example, neither of you should try to start dating other people. This not only puts a huge strain on your relationship, but achieves almost nothing constructive for you two as a couple.

Confront the Situation
2. If you are positive that something has dramatically changed your boyfriend’s affection level towards you, then you should openly confront him about that change. Confronting him does not mean being confrontational, on the contrary most men find that approach totally overwhelming and will therefore be uncooperative. Instead, when the two of you have a quiet minute alone, calmly ask him if anything is bothering him, specifically something you did. If he claims that you have nothing wrong, try and figure out what has happened that has affected him so much. If he later admits that you have hurt him in some way, you need to explain to him immediately that:

A. you’re sorry and did not mean to cause him pain and;
B. that passive aggressive behavior will not get him the results he wants.

Most men do not know how to communicate when something is wrong, and often punish their partner with silence or anger to express it. Obviously this does not help you discover the crux of the problem, and makes you feel helpless and frustrated. By getting him to discuss these things with you will hopefully alleviate some of the tension and avoid similar issues later on.

Note: From what you said in your letter, I do not think that your boyfriend is giving you the silent treatment, but I could be wrong. It really does seem most likely to me that the two of you have just grown too comfortable with each, and need to make a combined effort to interest each other again!

Dear Curtis,

I’m 95% sure the reason my ex ended things is because I was way too into the physical aspects and not very into the emotional aspects of a relationship, basically a friends with benefits relationship.

Anyways, it’s been a month and half since she ended things and the last I heard from her was 2 weeks ago on my birthday when she sent me a birthday text. About a month ago I suggested lunch or coffee as friends and she said “yeah we’ll make it happen in a few weeks ”. I’ve never heard from her about lunch so I’m assuming she’s busy …??

I moved back home for the quarter to quit drinking and be more financially responsible. I’ve lost 25 pounds since she saw me last and am feeling like my old self. I used to be good boyfriend material and then when I moved into a fraternity I turned into a bit of a douche. I’ve got 4 months of solitude to fix myself and be a good guy again.

Is it possible to get her back if she see’s I’ve changed? Don’t criticize me and tell me I won’t change because I’ve already made tremendous progress. Been sober for a month, got my diet perfect and have been to the gym 5 days a week. ~ Daniel

Dear Daniel,

I think people are incredibly capable of change. Usually, the greatest and most positive change happens when people do it for themselves and not for others, and I think (and hope) this is the case with you. I commend you on the improvements that you’ve made in your life, but what’s best is that you yourself can see and appreciate those changes and the positive effects they have generated. You have made those changes for you and only you, not for your ex. Because of that, even if she doesn’t want you back, those improvements are there to last. You know that you’ve changed yourself for the better and whichever partner you’ll have in the future will appreciate you for everything you’ve become, even if she won’t. It doesn’t change the fact that you’ve taken your experience with her, learned from it, and transformed yourself into a better person because of it.

With respect to being close physically but emotionally distant, it’s a problem for many people. Being intimate emotionally can make people feel vulnerable or uncomfortable, especially when they’ve been hurt or rejected in the past. In order to have a meaningful and long-lasting relationship, though, you have to trust the other person enough to open up to them and be close with them emotionally. (The question is if that is the type of relationship you want at the moment; if a meaningful and long-lasting relationship isn’t for you right now, then there’s no harm as long as all parties involved are aware of the circumstances and what it means to be in that kind of situation.)

Also, enjoying the physical aspects of relationship isn’t at all a bad thing. Romantic relationships often work a lot better when there exists a physical—usually sexual—attraction between the two partners. (If that sexual attraction isn’t present, that relationship is most commonly called friendship.) However, cherishing the sexual and physical parts of a relationship is different than focusing on them. It’s fairly obvious to most people that a long-lasting relationship should be based on more than physical attraction; there needs to be emotional attraction too. With that emotional attraction comes the real reason for relationships: intimacy and openness and honesty and genuine love.

As far as whether she’d be willing to take you back, that’s up to her. She’ll most likely need to be convinced that you’ve changed to believe it. So show her. Be the best you can be and prove to her that you’re different than you were before. If you’ve made the changes like you said you have, it shouldn’t be difficult at all. If she wants to be with you then she will be; if she doesn’t, then nothing you do will be enough to convince her and that’s neither your fault nor your problem.

But regardless of whether she takes you back or not, you’ll know you made those changes to last. And if she’s too hurt or too disconnected to see that then it’s her loss, and you’ll know for the next partner what to do and what not to do—because you’ve learned and changed and matured. So even if she doesn’t want you back anymore, you can thank her and be confident in the fact that in the future, someone else will appreciate everything you have worked so hard to become.

Dear Curtis,

I dated this guy for 3 years, he treated me like a princess, never denied his love for me, tried and tried and tried to please me but I was a spoiled brat. I’ve always loved him, and I did but I was always stubborn to make myself vulnerable so I always broke up with him and told him to move on and told him I don’t see us having a future together. He persisted for 3 years, we basically lived as if we were going out but I went on some dates, kissed a few guys, and slept with one guy when I was drunk and regretted it so much. I told him every time these things happened and I was trully sorry, he forgave me but it forever tainted his trust in me. It drove him crazy cuz he was always afraid it would happen again, and he thought it meant I didn’t love him. He never touched a girl for 3 years.

He told me he was moving on about a month ago, I freaked out and begged him to give me another chance. He said ok lets be friends and see what happens. Where is this leading to? And what can I do to bring his love and trust back? ~ Melissa

Dear Melissa,

It sounds to me like he’s giving you one last chance to prove yourself. He may have already moved on or maybe you’ve broken his trust too many times for him to ever be able to fully give his heart to you again, but you’ll never be sure until you try. And if you really do love him, you won’t be able not to try.

The way I see it, he isn’t looking for you to say or do anything that will fix what has happened; there’s no way to change the past. What’s done is done and cannot be undone, but you can still control your future. A dramatic gesture of apology or a promise to stay true to him won’t make any difference if he doesn’t trust you, and trust can’t be rebuilt overnight. It takes time. If you really want to build his trust again, you have to commit to him and keep your word every single day for the rest of your time with him. And in all honesty, there’s no other way around it.

Over time, he will notice your devotion and eventually begin to trust you again. Depending on all that has transpired between you two, this may take weeks or months or even years, and any one mistake on your part may easily cause him to remember all the times he’s been wronged by you. Because of this, he might test the waters a bit and see how much you’ve changed and how trustworthy you are by opening up to you bit by bit and observing your reactions. If you wrong him again, he’ll pull back and you’ll be one step closer to losing him. If you appreciate what he offers you and stay true to him, he’ll give you a little more to work with the next time.

You have to remember, though, that it doesn’t happen instantly; it’s a long process and you have to stay on the right track. If you really love him, regaining his trust shouldn’t be a problem because you would do almost anything to never again hurt him like you did in the past. Thinking about your situation with him in that may might help you gauge what to do and what not to do: just consider how it will affect him and his feelings toward you. As long as you remain honest, faithful, and loving, you’ll be fine.

Dear Candice,

After almost a year together, my boyfriend broke up with me. It caught me completely off guard and I know I want to get him back. We rarely fought and things were going great. Here is why he said he ended it:

* He wants to be single in college and does not want a relationship right now. (We’re both students at a university)
* He wished that I had hung out with his friends more.

I know that I want to get him back and I’ve been doing really well at not contacting him and giving him space while I pull myself back together. I just don’t know what to do next. I’m confused because the two reasons he gave me contradict each other: did he want around more to be with his friends or did he want to be single and have his guy time? I just don’t get it. Do you have any advice on how I can get him back? – Kara

Dear Kara,

First of all, the reason why you are so confused is because he is so confused. This is classic boy in college mode behavior. Part of the issue here is that this has nothing to do with you as a person, or you as a girlfriend, and so there is very little that you can do. He broke up with you because of the classic, “It’s not you, it’s me” line, but this time it’s true. Obviously you guys had been going out for awhile, but the break up shook you up because you don’t understand the cause. He broke up with you not because he didn’t like you anymore or because there were complications within the relationship, but because of the complications outside of it. He loved you, maybe he still does, but the time spent with you could not compare to what he observed his friends engaging in. Being a male in a relationship in college means to them no freedom, no flexibility to do what or who they want. Even if everything in your relationship was perfect, which is only possible in a fairytale, that still could not disabuse him of thinking of what it would be like if he were single.

The “Grass is Greener” theory is proven in the two reasons he gave you: obviously he makes this very clear with the first one, but it’s the second reason that gives you a clue into what is really going on. By bringing in his friends, you can definitely see how his male-male relationships are pressuring him from the outside to join them. Even if he loves you, this idea is extremely seductive and normally his friends will win. This does not mean that you are not worth something to him, only that he cannot reconcile his relationship with you and the pressure of “being one of the guys”, hence his confusion, which brings me back to your confusion.

Before you jump into trying to win him back, because this will be a battle between your desire and his libido, you should pause and ask yourself if you think he will even be open to the idea of getting back together, and if so how long that feeling will last. If he had already invested a year with you before he broke it off, he clearly had a lot of time to realize what you have to offer in terms of a relationship. If this was not enough for him the first time, it is highly unlikely that he will be satisfied a second time around, especially when you consider how young and impressionable college men can be.

If you feel that he will be receptive to the idea of getting back together, then the only advice I can give you would be to approach him primarily as a friend. Explain to him that you miss him in your life (which seems obviously true even if you want more than friendship), and want to at least see each other once in a while and keep in contact. Don’t try to pressure him into entering any kind of commitment while you’re still trying to ease your way back into each other’s lives. The rest is up to you, remember how you two got together in the first place, and remember what made you click. You can’t force someone to be with you no matter how much you love him, or how much he may love you (which he very well could presently). Commitment is a choice, a serious choice, and nudging or pushing someone into something they aren’t ready for or don’t really want can end up hurting you and them.

Dear Candice,

I’m 30 so this isn’t one of them crazy plots to get him back (unless its possible haha). I was with my ex for 5 years, we lived together for 1 year as a couple. Then I got scared at the fact I was his first relationship and I split up with him, (In a sort of set him free act). We stayed best of friends, because we still loved each other and lived together, with other friends, a further 3 years. He began seeing other girls and I started seeing other lads. But nothing serious.

Then my ex and I started having a little “fling” last year, and I thought we may get back together. I never said anything, and then he started seeing a girl. They have been together 6 months and they have already started talking about getting a place together. I am heart broken and I really thought that in the end like most tacky films we would end up back together, once we were ready. What do I do? Is there anything I can do? ~ Charlotte

Dear Charlotte,

I’m so sorry you’re heartbroken, I know how awful that is. It sounds like you and your ex had a great thing going, although living together after you break up and remaining really close friends doesn’t seem like such a good idea to me, but if you say it was fine, then I believe you. Most of the time couples that break up but remain close do so because of unresolved feelings, either for one or both people. I think that was definitely the case for you two. From what I can tell, neither of you wanted to let go of the other completely, so the friends situation worked well, because neither of you wanted to lose the other.

Now, the situation has changed. You want separate things: you want him back, but he wants to move on. If he has already begun planning on moving in with this girl, you need to act quickly! To clarify, this does not mean act desperately, which I know is hard to distinguish. Quickly means that you no longer have the luxury of ambivalence. You need to make up your mind and decide if you really want to make something work with him long term. You have been sending him mixed signals for a long time, first the relationship, then the break up, then the friendship, then the hook up, now you want to be back together. You can see how he might not take you seriously, so you need to be careful when you tell him all of this.

You will have to tell him all of this. That’s part of acting quickly also. Once you make up your mind that you truly want to be with him, you have to let him know! He won’t magically break up with this other girl and come running back to you. You have to at least give him the benefit of knowing how you really feel. So, when the two of you have a minute alone, tell him that you have something serious you need to talk to him about. And then just tell him. Don’t beat around the bush, and try not to let him interrupt you before you explain how serious you are, because as I said earlier, he probably won’t immediately believe you.

Also, try to let him understand that you don’t want him to give you an answer right away. Just that you thought he should know, and that you’re feelings won’t change (which, they won’t because that’s part of the decision that you have already made) and you want him to take some time to think about it. Even if you feel like you need to know right away, and the anticipation might kill you, this is very important. Your ex will probably be very overwhelmed and confused, which will most likely result in him giving you a denial if he feels pressured to act or commit immediately. By giving him an open ended time to think things over, the pressure is off, you don’t seem like his jailer, and he has the chance to really consider what the two of you could be like together. If he cares about you as much as you care about him, then hopefully things will work out. I think this is the most honest and sincere way you can alert him to your feelings and stop the moving out process, without looking like you just want him to stay for the sake of friendship.

However, before you tell him all of this, please make sure you spend some quality time considering why you suddenly realized that you want to get back together. Make sure that you want him back because of who he is, and how great you guys were, and not because finally seeing him with another person has made you very jealous, not that being jealous is invalid or anything. Jealousy feels horrible and usually makes you want to do drastic things, but it is not a solid reason to get back together with someone. You need to make sure that you absolutely want him back no matter what!

Dear Candice,

Whenever my b/f and I row, and it comes to sorting it out, he says I should guess what is wrong with him and say sorry for what I have done, he said it is worrying that I don’t know what I have done (these are silly rows over silly things) and he will refuse to be nice and talk things through. I honestly sometimes don’t know what has upset him, which is why I normally ask. Sometimes he will ignore me for days until I say sorry. I admit at the time I do find it difficult to see what I have done wrong until we talk things through and he explains what has upset him.

Also when we row, he gets angry and refuses to compromise, even though I try my best to ask him to reach a solution together. He sees things very black and white and often says he can’t understand where I am coming from.

Is it unreasonable for him to say I should guess? ~ Rebecca

Dear Rebecca,

I think you already know the answer to your own question: “Is it unreasonable…”. Of course, this is unreasonable! For many reasons, in fact:

1. His lack of desire to want to communicate with you openly and honestly is a sign that he is not interested in anything you have to say. This does not mean he is not interested in having you for a girlfriend, but consider what that does suggest. He wants you, but does not want to listen to you. He has literally stopped the only constructive way a couple can work through their issues, which is inevitable in all relationships. By refusing to listen to you, or even allow an open communication channel, he has seriously restricted your relationship.

2. This demand that you should be all knowing and omniscient is beyond any human’s capacity. If everyone could immediately understand their partner, break ups would not exist. This puts all the responsibility of making the relationship continue to flow smoothly on you, with none on him. That’s a huge amount of work and pressure on you, something that should be equally worked on by both partners in all relationships. If he cannot make the effort to simply “talk” with you about what is bothering him, then I doubt he will be able to make any kind of serious effort when you two encounter the bigger issues that all couples face.

3. The denial to discuss his own feelings should alert you that he doesn’t know what his own feelings are. This does not sound very threatening, but if a person cannot aptly identify what they are feeling, or what is causing those feelings, then they cannot take the necessary steps to correct them. For example, forcing you to “guess” what is going on in his head allows you to identify the problem, and then you take the action to rectify it. But this equation obviously is totally unfair to you, and a sign that he needs to grow up!

4. The most disturbing aspect of this concerns how he views you as a woman, and as his “partner”. Now, I don’t know for sure how you feel about feminism, but I am assuming that you would like to have some basic rights in your life, your work, and your relationship. By controlling these aspects of your relationship, causing you so much stress and anxiety, your guy literally has all the power, which leaves you with none. You are a smart intelligent woman, so take it back. Either address this issue head on, and make him understand how fundamentally unethical and ridiculous it is for you to meet these demands, or find someone who would never ask you to do those things in the first place.

I know the idea of giving up on someone is ugly, especially when you’ve invested so much time into building the relationship. However, the investment that you made with him has not benefitted you if this is the current situation. You may have experienced beautiful and rewarding moments, even years, with your guy, but clearly that moment has passed and you need to recognize this is not healthy, and you deserve better.