My Ex Has a New Girlfriend, Can I Win Him Back?

November 18, 2011 | Leave a Comment

Dear Candice,

I’m 30 so this isn’t one of them crazy plots to get him back (unless its possible haha). I was with my ex for 5 years, we lived together for 1 year as a couple. Then I got scared at the fact I was his first relationship and I split up with him, (In a sort of set him free act). We stayed best of friends, because we still loved each other and lived together, with other friends, a further 3 years. He began seeing other girls and I started seeing other lads. But nothing serious.

Then my ex and I started having a little “fling” last year, and I thought we may get back together. I never said anything, and then he started seeing a girl. They have been together 6 months and they have already started talking about getting a place together. I am heart broken and I really thought that in the end like most tacky films we would end up back together, once we were ready. What do I do? Is there anything I can do? ~ Charlotte

Dear Charlotte,

I’m so sorry you’re heartbroken, I know how awful that is. It sounds like you and your ex had a great thing going, although living together after you break up and remaining really close friends doesn’t seem like such a good idea to me, but if you say it was fine, then I believe you. Most of the time couples that break up but remain close do so because of unresolved feelings, either for one or both people. I think that was definitely the case for you two. From what I can tell, neither of you wanted to let go of the other completely, so the friends situation worked well, because neither of you wanted to lose the other.

Now, the situation has changed. You want separate things: you want him back, but he wants to move on. If he has already begun planning on moving in with this girl, you need to act quickly! To clarify, this does not mean act desperately, which I know is hard to distinguish. Quickly means that you no longer have the luxury of ambivalence. You need to make up your mind and decide if you really want to make something work with him long term. You have been sending him mixed signals for a long time, first the relationship, then the break up, then the friendship, then the hook up, now you want to be back together. You can see how he might not take you seriously, so you need to be careful when you tell him all of this.

You will have to tell him all of this. That’s part of acting quickly also. Once you make up your mind that you truly want to be with him, you have to let him know! He won’t magically break up with this other girl and come running back to you. You have to at least give him the benefit of knowing how you really feel. So, when the two of you have a minute alone, tell him that you have something serious you need to talk to him about. And then just tell him. Don’t beat around the bush, and try not to let him interrupt you before you explain how serious you are, because as I said earlier, he probably won’t immediately believe you.

Also, try to let him understand that you don’t want him to give you an answer right away. Just that you thought he should know, and that you’re feelings won’t change (which, they won’t because that’s part of the decision that you have already made) and you want him to take some time to think about it. Even if you feel like you need to know right away, and the anticipation might kill you, this is very important. Your ex will probably be very overwhelmed and confused, which will most likely result in him giving you a denial if he feels pressured to act or commit immediately. By giving him an open ended time to think things over, the pressure is off, you don’t seem like his jailer, and he has the chance to really consider what the two of you could be like together. If he cares about you as much as you care about him, then hopefully things will work out. I think this is the most honest and sincere way you can alert him to your feelings and stop the moving out process, without looking like you just want him to stay for the sake of friendship.

However, before you tell him all of this, please make sure you spend some quality time considering why you suddenly realized that you want to get back together. Make sure that you want him back because of who he is, and how great you guys were, and not because finally seeing him with another person has made you very jealous, not that being jealous is invalid or anything. Jealousy feels horrible and usually makes you want to do drastic things, but it is not a solid reason to get back together with someone. You need to make sure that you absolutely want him back no matter what!

Share This Post

Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice 

How To Fix Communication Problems In A Relationship

November 11, 2011 | Leave a Comment

Dear Candice,

Whenever my b/f and I row, and it comes to sorting it out, he says I should guess what is wrong with him and say sorry for what I have done, he said it is worrying that I don’t know what I have done (these are silly rows over silly things) and he will refuse to be nice and talk things through. I honestly sometimes don’t know what has upset him, which is why I normally ask. Sometimes he will ignore me for days until I say sorry. I admit at the time I do find it difficult to see what I have done wrong until we talk things through and he explains what has upset him.

Also when we row, he gets angry and refuses to compromise, even though I try my best to ask him to reach a solution together. He sees things very black and white and often says he can’t understand where I am coming from.

Is it unreasonable for him to say I should guess? ~ Rebecca

Dear Rebecca,

I think you already know the answer to your own question: “Is it unreasonable…”. Of course, this is unreasonable! For many reasons, in fact:

1. His lack of desire to want to communicate with you openly and honestly is a sign that he is not interested in anything you have to say. This does not mean he is not interested in having you for a girlfriend, but consider what that does suggest. He wants you, but does not want to listen to you. He has literally stopped the only constructive way a couple can work through their issues, which is inevitable in all relationships. By refusing to listen to you, or even allow an open communication channel, he has seriously restricted your relationship.

2. This demand that you should be all knowing and omniscient is beyond any human’s capacity. If everyone could immediately understand their partner, break ups would not exist. This puts all the responsibility of making the relationship continue to flow smoothly on you, with none on him. That’s a huge amount of work and pressure on you, something that should be equally worked on by both partners in all relationships. If he cannot make the effort to simply “talk” with you about what is bothering him, then I doubt he will be able to make any kind of serious effort when you two encounter the bigger issues that all couples face.

3. The denial to discuss his own feelings should alert you that he doesn’t know what his own feelings are. This does not sound very threatening, but if a person cannot aptly identify what they are feeling, or what is causing those feelings, then they cannot take the necessary steps to correct them. For example, forcing you to “guess” what is going on in his head allows you to identify the problem, and then you take the action to rectify it. But this equation obviously is totally unfair to you, and a sign that he needs to grow up!

4. The most disturbing aspect of this concerns how he views you as a woman, and as his “partner”. Now, I don’t know for sure how you feel about feminism, but I am assuming that you would like to have some basic rights in your life, your work, and your relationship. By controlling these aspects of your relationship, causing you so much stress and anxiety, your guy literally has all the power, which leaves you with none. You are a smart intelligent woman, so take it back. Either address this issue head on, and make him understand how fundamentally unethical and ridiculous it is for you to meet these demands, or find someone who would never ask you to do those things in the first place.

I know the idea of giving up on someone is ugly, especially when you’ve invested so much time into building the relationship. However, the investment that you made with him has not benefitted you if this is the current situation. You may have experienced beautiful and rewarding moments, even years, with your guy, but clearly that moment has passed and you need to recognize this is not healthy, and you deserve better.

Share This Post

Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Problems in Relationship, Relationship 

How To Get Ex Back After Pushing Her Away

November 7, 2011 | Leave a Comment

Dear Candice,

Dated a girl for 4 years.. on and off

Before I tell the story.. I know my faults and I have been predictable in the past.. I know that my ex gf believes i’ll always be there for her and that when she wants me she can have me.. When I tell her I don’t wanna talk to her I always give in and she doesn’t think im serious anymore becuase I’ve said it alot of times and then given in.

We broke up about a 2 months ago she said she was bored of the realationship that she thought it was getting too much of a routine..

For like the first couple days I tried getting back with her.. texting her, trying to make it work, etc..Then I stopped and didn’t talk to her for about 2 weeks. It was then my birthday and she called and texted me saying happy birthday that she wanted to come see me on my birthday and things so I let her. She came over to my house and it was really awkward and we started talking about things and I tried saying things to get her back. She told me that I annoy her when I try and get her back when she doesn’t want that. She told me that she was talking to another guy and that she really liked him. She then started crying and I asked her why was she crying. She said, which really didn’t make sense to me, “I’m just crying because I feel this might be the last time we are ever together”.. I told her that that’s fine lets not talk then.

I was good I didn’t call or text her for 3 weeks and I also didn’t hear from her, until i gave in yesterday. I gave in I lost control becuase I didn’t hear from her for so long and I feel like an idiot.. I texted her trying to talk to her.. and she told me “stop trying to talk to me, I’m busy and I don’t wanna hang out with you because I like someone else and I don’t wanna ruin it” I asked her if she truly feels we will never be together again? and she said YES.

I said a couple other things and she didn’t answer me..

confused : /

Did I push her away too far.. is there anyway I can gain control back because right now I have none? I really want her back in my life.. and I really do feel deep down she still loves me she just hides it. ~ Ben

Dear Ben,

I’m sorry to tell you this so blatantly, but I think you need to respect your ex’s wishes and leave her alone. Maybe, eventually one day in the future, the two of you will be able to calmly and rationally talk about why things fell apart, and maybe even become friends again. Although I truly believe that nothing can ever be broken so badly that it can’t be fixed, you have to understand that you are talking about another human with her own independent feelings. It sounds like you really, deeply care about this girl, especially since you dated for such a long period. I know that it seems impossible to think about your future without her in it, but believe me when I say you can move on and live a very happy, full life.

Even though long relationships are one of the greatest experiences young people can have, and help you grow into a better person, you should consider the effects it has on each of your abilities to be independent adults. One of the main reasons why your ex is so adamant about no contact, no communication, and no interaction is because of how used to talking to you on a regular basis she is. This kind of habit is really difficult to break, and talking to you every so often makes this even more so! Making a clean break allows her the chance to move on with her life, something that you should be thinking about.

I would normally say that you should leave her alone for a little while, allow her to try out some different things, before trying to approach her again. But in your case she has specifically asked you in various ways to leave her completely alone. If you disregard that, you begin to move into inappropriate levels of behavior.

I know that what you are going through is difficult, and that you feel that the obvious fix is to simply get back with your ex, but try to begin to see that this is not even an option anymore. She has made it very clear that she has already begun to carve out a new life for herself, one that she feels you cannot be a part of for whatever reasons. So now you have two options:

1.Continue to try to communicate with her and risk escalating the situation into something ugly. (DO NOT TAKE OPTION ONE!)

2.Recognizing the end of something that once made you happy, and realize that it is not the ONLY thing that can make you happy!

Try to focus on positive ways to deal with your unhappiness. Reach out to friends and family members and simply let them know that you’re dealing with some difficult issues, and try and work through them with those loved ones, because these are people who not only know you very well, but are able to correctly judge the situation you are in and give an unbiased suggestion for what you should do next.

Also, you might try getting involved in something active, or taking a new class, just anything to focus your energies on and distract you. Good luck, I know this is hard, but clearly you are very intelligent and capable of making the best out of this unpleasant situation. Good Luck!

Share This Post

Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Breakup, Moving On 

Get Ex Back After No Contact For Months

November 4, 2011 | Leave a Comment

Dear Candice,

My ex broke up with me in January after about a year together. I was 19 (since turned 20) and he was 25. When we met, we started dating two days later – our attraction was instant and he is still the love of my life.

We were very happy throughout the relationship – we barely fought, rarely had problems. However, in November, I started to get very insecure. I was unhappy with my school life (I am a theatre major and want to be an actor. I was starting to do a lot of stage management, and I was extremely unhappy with it – I hated it but didn’t know how to get out of it…I was so, so miserable. To top it off, my parents started having intense fights, and I would get phone calls while at college about them and get fought with and stuff like that…it was hard). I didn’t tell him about it because I didn’t want to stress him out anymore (which was weird, because we told each other everything)

During Winter Break, I was just a wreck – every time I thought about going back to school, I would get so scared and angry – and then there was always another fight going on with my parents (I live at home during breaks). Whenever that happened, I would push him – like fight him on nothing, or not tell him I love him so he would say it more. I wanted to get a rise out of him so I felt better about myself – so I would push him to make me feel better. I even tried to break up with him once because I knew he would push to stay with me. I HATE myself for what I did – I was just a needy, insecure ***** who didn’t deserve him.

When January came around and I started doing more Stage Management, I was even more miserable than before. I got in a large fight over him not wanting to wait for dinner – and he broke up with me, rightly so. He should have – I was horrible. After about two weeks of trying to get him to come talk to me, I started No Contact. We haven’t talked since.

For a long time, I was convinced he broke up with me because he was an *******. I am in pretty intense counseling, but I think I’ve worked through a lot of my issues. I stopped doing Stage Management, started acting more, stopped picking up the phone when my parents called, got new housing for the summer, and am actually really happy for the first time. I have great new friends that I got because of the breakup, and I very much enjoy who I am right now. The only thing missing is him.

How do I break NC and start talking to him again to get him back? He is not with anyone – all he really does is like sext a bunch of random girls from his new school – he hasn’t found anyone else. I know I screwed up and there has to be a way to show him that I’m better – I’ve worked on my issues, and I want him back. ~ Steph

Dear Steph,

First of all, I want to say congratulations for taking the necessary steps to getting your life back on a healthy track and making yourself happy! That kind of self-awareness and determination is something really hard to master, especially with all of those emotional objects piling on top of your college experience.

With that said, I think you should consider if getting back together with this guy is the best thing for you and for him. I know that you can see what an amazing boyfriend he can be, but you should also consider the emotional transformations that both of you have gone through since your break up. It is very possible that even though you still want him in your life, you are no longer as compatible as you once were, given the new maturity and insight that you have gained without his presence in your life at all. Now I have no idea whether he has emotionally changed or not, but neither do you, and that’s the point. Regardless of where he now is in his life (he may not even want to be in a relationship at all), more importantly you need to realize that you are a completely different woman with different needs than the person he dated since you’ve broken up.

The other side of this argument is if your new life (new friends, new classes, new apartment) is so amazing and wonderful, why do you still feel like you need a boyfriend in your life? Having a boyfriend is not the cure to all things, as you well know, and unless you deal with the aspects in your life that you’re trying to fill with your ex, you can’t ever really be happy, with him or alone. So, just make sure that you want to get back together with him for the right reasons, reasons that don’t suppress any other emotional dilemmas you may still be facing.

If you can honestly answer that YES! I still want him back after thinking that through, then the best advice I can give you is to first only attempt rekindling friendship. In this kind of situation, where you clearly mishandled the relationship from the first place and know that you hurt him, you can’t really expect anything else from him other than plutonic friendship. Adding the emotional pressure of reentering a romantic relationship will probably only send him running for the hills as far away from you as possible. So I would:

1.Text him (if you still have the number) or facebook message him with a friendly note like: “Hey, I was thinking of you the other day and realized we haven’t talked in awhile. I hope you’re doing well and would love to catch up some time.” Keep it completely friendly, not suggestive at all.

2.If he responds to this, continue to keep contact and after you get the feeling that he would like to spend some time with you, plan a day activity for the two of you. Again nothing romantic, but something that two friends would do together.

3.If this first “date” goes well, make another one, same rules apply. Don’t ever attempt to rush the situation, because he’s not stupid and will eventually figure out that this is the only reason you’re doing all of this.

4.Eventually you will be able to tell if he’s romantically interested in you again, and hopefully he will ask you out on a real date. However, I’m assuming he’s a normal guy, so you will probably have to do the asking. Don’t be over ambitious, but be clear when your intentions are romantic. Otherwise, you will only confuse him, and confused boys check out. If he turns you down, still try to remain friends with him and hope for the best over time.

If that initial contact does not go well, meaning he ignores that first text or facebook message, I am afraid you should just let it be. Being single in college is always difficult, especially when you’re convinced that there’s someone perfect for you out there if only he knew! However, you’ve already proven how independently capable you are, which in the long run, is much more important and useful for future crises than getting back together with the ex! Just keep reminding yourself how important you are, and if he is the right guy for you, he should be able to see that too!

Share This Post

Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Breakup 

Is Getting Back Together Again Worth It?

November 1, 2011 | Leave a Comment

Dear Candice,

I feel like my boyfriend is drifting away… was getting back together again worth it? my boyfriend and I are going out for over a year and a half but we broke up briefly for afew weeks at the beginning of the summer, as he thought the relationship was going nowhere and best to end. I see now he was right- at the time we were spending far too much time together, and we would bicker alot over the littlest things. i was heartbroken, but tried to move on and get over him. However about a month later he told me he had changed his mind, that he had made a mistake and he wanted to give it another shot. after alot of thinking and talking things through, afew more months down the line we’re now back together.

The problem I have is that I feel like iI’m investing so much more time and energy into our relationship than he is. It’s only for the last few weeks, since we’ve started college again that I’ve been feeling like this. its always me who contacts first, who wants to meet up etc, and I know if I decided to step back and just not make any effort to talk to him, he wouldnt even notice. we have stopped spending as much time together as we would have last year, which has helped us a good bit, but I would still like to see him every once in a while, or text at the weekends when we don’t see each other at all.

Don’t get me wrong, when we started seeing eachother again after the breakup, it was Him making all the contact and moves, and since we live far apart during the summer, it made me soften towards him again much quicker because I could see he was making a big effort to try make things between us work again.

I think deep down iIm wondering if his heart isn’t in it anymore, but I know he would tell me if that were the case. To be honest I just don’t feel loved or cared for any more, and that i am trying harder than i should have to. I’m just fed up now and want to be appreciated and to feel wanted. I love him and i will always care a great deal for him, but I really wish he could say to me that he feels the same way. I’ve tried bringing this up a few times but he either makes a joke out of it or says he’s just been a bit stressed at the time and its nothing.

Sorry for the long message, but any advice would be hugely appreciated. ~ Shannon

Dear Shannon,

First of all, I think it’s great that you care so much about this guy and that you’re happy to commit this kind of effort to a long distance relationship during your freshman year. The thing is, what you’re going through is one of the most common symptoms of a long distance relationship, and there are very little things you can do to solve it. However, some things you should think about:

1. I know you said that one of the issues stems from his lack of communication, while it feels like you are the only one constantly putting the effort into making time to talk. However, part of the problem here is that you are trying to maintain a level of connectedness that simply cannot be achieved through a long distance relationship. Part of enduring this terribly heart wrenching separation is allowing yourself to be independent apart from your partner, and allowing him to be independent from you. Even if you could hypothetically force each other to remain as close as you’d like (which you simply can’t, but let’s pretend) what you are actually really do is forcing each other to sacrifice that time in their own life. This is part of the deal you made when you decided to stay together over a long distance of space, to be apart but remain loyal.

2. Which brings me to number two: Ask yourself why it is so important for you to be in constant communication with him. A lot of the time people hone in on a specific aspect of the relationship (like lack of communication) because they are suspicious of something else that they are uncomfortable addressing. You explained that this is making you feel like his feelings for you have diminished over time, but when you confront him about that, he denies it. If he says no, give him the benefit of the doubt and believe him, especially since he made such an effort to get back together with you. Again, this is part of trusting him and adjusting your expectations about the kind of relationship you can have over long distance.

Now, I want to say that not everyone is the same. For some people, sharing a high level of communication equally works, and some long distance couples talk frequently for long periods of time. However, this should not concern or worry you to the point where you start to suspect your guy of suddenly being a bad boyfriend. Most guys just do not have the same expectations or fears as their female partners (obviously!). If it seems like you guys aren’t on the same page it’s because you probably aren’t, but why throw away a great book when you don’t like one chapter!

Also, just because I said give the guy a break does not mean you should let him get away with anything. Ignoring you multiple times, forgetting to call or video chat when you make dates is simply not okay with anyone, so it should not be acceptable with a partner.

3. So, how do you get back to the place you once were: a nice, cozy place? Well, I’m not sure that you do. I would say that the best advice I can give you is to adjust some of your expectations for him and for yourself. You shouldn’t have to put in that level of effort just to make something work. If it’s meant to be, there’s nothing to worry about, and it sounds like you guys really appreciate each other. Just remember that when you guys get together in person to try and focus on the positive aspects of being together, and don’t bring up all the issues that bother you about having a long distance relationship, unless something really serious comes up.

Feeling neglected and ignored is never fun, and this is the most common problem that arises with long distance relationships. But try to remember that things can’t be the same as they were when you were seeing each other every day, and that unless you pick up on some very serious warning signals, try not to let your imagination spiral out of control. Think positively, and appreciate the fact that you’ve found someone who wants to stay committed to you!

Share This Post

Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Problems in Relationship, Relationship 

« Previous Page — Next Page »