Ex-Boyfriend Wants To Be Single, How To Get Him Back?

November 25, 2011 | Leave a Comment

Dear Candice,

After almost a year together, my boyfriend broke up with me. It caught me completely off guard and I know I want to get him back. We rarely fought and things were going great. Here is why he said he ended it:

* He wants to be single in college and does not want a relationship right now. (We’re both students at a university)
* He wished that I had hung out with his friends more.

I know that I want to get him back and I’ve been doing really well at not contacting him and giving him space while I pull myself back together. I just don’t know what to do next. I’m confused because the two reasons he gave me contradict each other: did he want around more to be with his friends or did he want to be single and have his guy time? I just don’t get it. Do you have any advice on how I can get him back? – Kara

Dear Kara,

First of all, the reason why you are so confused is because he is so confused. This is classic boy in college mode behavior. Part of the issue here is that this has nothing to do with you as a person, or you as a girlfriend, and so there is very little that you can do. He broke up with you because of the classic, “It’s not you, it’s me” line, but this time it’s true. Obviously you guys had been going out for awhile, but the break up shook you up because you don’t understand the cause. He broke up with you not because he didn’t like you anymore or because there were complications within the relationship, but because of the complications outside of it. He loved you, maybe he still does, but the time spent with you could not compare to what he observed his friends engaging in. Being a male in a relationship in college means to them no freedom, no flexibility to do what or who they want. Even if everything in your relationship was perfect, which is only possible in a fairytale, that still could not disabuse him of thinking of what it would be like if he were single.

The “Grass is Greener” theory is proven in the two reasons he gave you: obviously he makes this very clear with the first one, but it’s the second reason that gives you a clue into what is really going on. By bringing in his friends, you can definitely see how his male-male relationships are pressuring him from the outside to join them. Even if he loves you, this idea is extremely seductive and normally his friends will win. This does not mean that you are not worth something to him, only that he cannot reconcile his relationship with you and the pressure of “being one of the guys”, hence his confusion, which brings me back to your confusion.

Before you jump into trying to win him back, because this will be a battle between your desire and his libido, you should pause and ask yourself if you think he will even be open to the idea of getting back together, and if so how long that feeling will last. If he had already invested a year with you before he broke it off, he clearly had a lot of time to realize what you have to offer in terms of a relationship. If this was not enough for him the first time, it is highly unlikely that he will be satisfied a second time around, especially when you consider how young and impressionable college men can be.

If you feel that he will be receptive to the idea of getting back together, then the only advice I can give you would be to approach him primarily as a friend. Explain to him that you miss him in your life (which seems obviously true even if you want more than friendship), and want to at least see each other once in a while and keep in contact. Don’t try to pressure him into entering any kind of commitment while you’re still trying to ease your way back into each other’s lives. The rest is up to you, remember how you two got together in the first place, and remember what made you click. You can’t force someone to be with you no matter how much you love him, or how much he may love you (which he very well could presently). Commitment is a choice, a serious choice, and nudging or pushing someone into something they aren’t ready for or don’t really want can end up hurting you and them.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Breakup, Dating 

How To Get Boyfriend Back After He Broke Up With You

November 23, 2011 | Leave a Comment

Dear Curtis,

My boyfriend of 1 year broke up with me… he says he still loves me and cares for me.. and he wants to be there for me… just he’s not ready for a relationship.. but i really love him.. and i want to do my best to help him get ready to have a relationship.. I’m afraid he’ll like someone else by then… I’m really depressed right now :( … please help… ~ France

Dear France,

Your boyfriend may very well love and care for you, but if he’s not ready for a relationship then there is nothing you can do to help him prepare for one. This readiness has to come from inside him, and although you can be there for him and support him in whatever he needs to go through, there is no way for you to make him ready.

It seems odd, though, that he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship after a whole year of being in one. Perhaps his claims of not being ready translate to him not wanting a serious commitment. (Usually, in cases where people aren’t ready for relationships, they mean the commitment aspect.) If it’s not that, then his “not being ready” might be a vague justification, an unfounded excuse for the breakup when in reality, he doesn’t have those feelings anymore and doesn’t have the courage to tell you the truth. If he said he doesn’t want a relationship (serious or otherwise), but then has a new partner a few weeks later, that’s a good indication.

Ask yourself this: do both of you want the same things in the future, a family or marriage or settling down? If you don’t, then maybe he simply wasn’t the guy for you. If you do and he is ready to commit, then it means he simply doesn’t want to be with you anymore. If you do and he isn’t ready to commit to that yet, you can either get over him or wait for him to hopefully come back to you when he is ready.

If you stick around long enough, maybe he’ll want you back. It’s a huge risk to take, especially when you’re putting your heart on the line indefinitely for something that may or may not happen, but maybe in the end you’ll see that it’s worth it. If not, maybe getting over him is the right step to take. If he’s not ready for a relationship but you are, you don’t have to wait around forever just to have one. In this case, you have every right to go out and get what you need. Like I said before, only he can know and decide when he is and isn’t ready for a relationship, and with whom; all you can do is be there for him or not. The choice, of course, is yours.

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Posted by Curtis Daniel | Filed Under Breakup 

How To Get Ex Back After Pushing Her Away

November 7, 2011 | Leave a Comment

Dear Candice,

Dated a girl for 4 years.. on and off

Before I tell the story.. I know my faults and I have been predictable in the past.. I know that my ex gf believes i’ll always be there for her and that when she wants me she can have me.. When I tell her I don’t wanna talk to her I always give in and she doesn’t think im serious anymore becuase I’ve said it alot of times and then given in.

We broke up about a 2 months ago she said she was bored of the realationship that she thought it was getting too much of a routine..

For like the first couple days I tried getting back with her.. texting her, trying to make it work, etc..Then I stopped and didn’t talk to her for about 2 weeks. It was then my birthday and she called and texted me saying happy birthday that she wanted to come see me on my birthday and things so I let her. She came over to my house and it was really awkward and we started talking about things and I tried saying things to get her back. She told me that I annoy her when I try and get her back when she doesn’t want that. She told me that she was talking to another guy and that she really liked him. She then started crying and I asked her why was she crying. She said, which really didn’t make sense to me, “I’m just crying because I feel this might be the last time we are ever together”.. I told her that that’s fine lets not talk then.

I was good I didn’t call or text her for 3 weeks and I also didn’t hear from her, until i gave in yesterday. I gave in I lost control becuase I didn’t hear from her for so long and I feel like an idiot.. I texted her trying to talk to her.. and she told me “stop trying to talk to me, I’m busy and I don’t wanna hang out with you because I like someone else and I don’t wanna ruin it” I asked her if she truly feels we will never be together again? and she said YES.

I said a couple other things and she didn’t answer me..

confused : /

Did I push her away too far.. is there anyway I can gain control back because right now I have none? I really want her back in my life.. and I really do feel deep down she still loves me she just hides it. ~ Ben

Dear Ben,

I’m sorry to tell you this so blatantly, but I think you need to respect your ex’s wishes and leave her alone. Maybe, eventually one day in the future, the two of you will be able to calmly and rationally talk about why things fell apart, and maybe even become friends again. Although I truly believe that nothing can ever be broken so badly that it can’t be fixed, you have to understand that you are talking about another human with her own independent feelings. It sounds like you really, deeply care about this girl, especially since you dated for such a long period. I know that it seems impossible to think about your future without her in it, but believe me when I say you can move on and live a very happy, full life.

Even though long relationships are one of the greatest experiences young people can have, and help you grow into a better person, you should consider the effects it has on each of your abilities to be independent adults. One of the main reasons why your ex is so adamant about no contact, no communication, and no interaction is because of how used to talking to you on a regular basis she is. This kind of habit is really difficult to break, and talking to you every so often makes this even more so! Making a clean break allows her the chance to move on with her life, something that you should be thinking about.

I would normally say that you should leave her alone for a little while, allow her to try out some different things, before trying to approach her again. But in your case she has specifically asked you in various ways to leave her completely alone. If you disregard that, you begin to move into inappropriate levels of behavior.

I know that what you are going through is difficult, and that you feel that the obvious fix is to simply get back with your ex, but try to begin to see that this is not even an option anymore. She has made it very clear that she has already begun to carve out a new life for herself, one that she feels you cannot be a part of for whatever reasons. So now you have two options:

1.Continue to try to communicate with her and risk escalating the situation into something ugly. (DO NOT TAKE OPTION ONE!)

2.Recognizing the end of something that once made you happy, and realize that it is not the ONLY thing that can make you happy!

Try to focus on positive ways to deal with your unhappiness. Reach out to friends and family members and simply let them know that you’re dealing with some difficult issues, and try and work through them with those loved ones, because these are people who not only know you very well, but are able to correctly judge the situation you are in and give an unbiased suggestion for what you should do next.

Also, you might try getting involved in something active, or taking a new class, just anything to focus your energies on and distract you. Good luck, I know this is hard, but clearly you are very intelligent and capable of making the best out of this unpleasant situation. Good Luck!

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Breakup, Moving On 

Get Ex Back After No Contact For Months

November 4, 2011 | Leave a Comment

Dear Candice,

My ex broke up with me in January after about a year together. I was 19 (since turned 20) and he was 25. When we met, we started dating two days later – our attraction was instant and he is still the love of my life.

We were very happy throughout the relationship – we barely fought, rarely had problems. However, in November, I started to get very insecure. I was unhappy with my school life (I am a theatre major and want to be an actor. I was starting to do a lot of stage management, and I was extremely unhappy with it – I hated it but didn’t know how to get out of it…I was so, so miserable. To top it off, my parents started having intense fights, and I would get phone calls while at college about them and get fought with and stuff like that…it was hard). I didn’t tell him about it because I didn’t want to stress him out anymore (which was weird, because we told each other everything)

During Winter Break, I was just a wreck – every time I thought about going back to school, I would get so scared and angry – and then there was always another fight going on with my parents (I live at home during breaks). Whenever that happened, I would push him – like fight him on nothing, or not tell him I love him so he would say it more. I wanted to get a rise out of him so I felt better about myself – so I would push him to make me feel better. I even tried to break up with him once because I knew he would push to stay with me. I HATE myself for what I did – I was just a needy, insecure ***** who didn’t deserve him.

When January came around and I started doing more Stage Management, I was even more miserable than before. I got in a large fight over him not wanting to wait for dinner – and he broke up with me, rightly so. He should have – I was horrible. After about two weeks of trying to get him to come talk to me, I started No Contact. We haven’t talked since.

For a long time, I was convinced he broke up with me because he was an *******. I am in pretty intense counseling, but I think I’ve worked through a lot of my issues. I stopped doing Stage Management, started acting more, stopped picking up the phone when my parents called, got new housing for the summer, and am actually really happy for the first time. I have great new friends that I got because of the breakup, and I very much enjoy who I am right now. The only thing missing is him.

How do I break NC and start talking to him again to get him back? He is not with anyone – all he really does is like sext a bunch of random girls from his new school – he hasn’t found anyone else. I know I screwed up and there has to be a way to show him that I’m better – I’ve worked on my issues, and I want him back. ~ Steph

Dear Steph,

First of all, I want to say congratulations for taking the necessary steps to getting your life back on a healthy track and making yourself happy! That kind of self-awareness and determination is something really hard to master, especially with all of those emotional objects piling on top of your college experience.

With that said, I think you should consider if getting back together with this guy is the best thing for you and for him. I know that you can see what an amazing boyfriend he can be, but you should also consider the emotional transformations that both of you have gone through since your break up. It is very possible that even though you still want him in your life, you are no longer as compatible as you once were, given the new maturity and insight that you have gained without his presence in your life at all. Now I have no idea whether he has emotionally changed or not, but neither do you, and that’s the point. Regardless of where he now is in his life (he may not even want to be in a relationship at all), more importantly you need to realize that you are a completely different woman with different needs than the person he dated since you’ve broken up.

The other side of this argument is if your new life (new friends, new classes, new apartment) is so amazing and wonderful, why do you still feel like you need a boyfriend in your life? Having a boyfriend is not the cure to all things, as you well know, and unless you deal with the aspects in your life that you’re trying to fill with your ex, you can’t ever really be happy, with him or alone. So, just make sure that you want to get back together with him for the right reasons, reasons that don’t suppress any other emotional dilemmas you may still be facing.

If you can honestly answer that YES! I still want him back after thinking that through, then the best advice I can give you is to first only attempt rekindling friendship. In this kind of situation, where you clearly mishandled the relationship from the first place and know that you hurt him, you can’t really expect anything else from him other than plutonic friendship. Adding the emotional pressure of reentering a romantic relationship will probably only send him running for the hills as far away from you as possible. So I would:

1.Text him (if you still have the number) or facebook message him with a friendly note like: “Hey, I was thinking of you the other day and realized we haven’t talked in awhile. I hope you’re doing well and would love to catch up some time.” Keep it completely friendly, not suggestive at all.

2.If he responds to this, continue to keep contact and after you get the feeling that he would like to spend some time with you, plan a day activity for the two of you. Again nothing romantic, but something that two friends would do together.

3.If this first “date” goes well, make another one, same rules apply. Don’t ever attempt to rush the situation, because he’s not stupid and will eventually figure out that this is the only reason you’re doing all of this.

4.Eventually you will be able to tell if he’s romantically interested in you again, and hopefully he will ask you out on a real date. However, I’m assuming he’s a normal guy, so you will probably have to do the asking. Don’t be over ambitious, but be clear when your intentions are romantic. Otherwise, you will only confuse him, and confused boys check out. If he turns you down, still try to remain friends with him and hope for the best over time.

If that initial contact does not go well, meaning he ignores that first text or facebook message, I am afraid you should just let it be. Being single in college is always difficult, especially when you’re convinced that there’s someone perfect for you out there if only he knew! However, you’ve already proven how independently capable you are, which in the long run, is much more important and useful for future crises than getting back together with the ex! Just keep reminding yourself how important you are, and if he is the right guy for you, he should be able to see that too!

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Breakup 

Can You Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Back After Breaking Up With Him?

October 10, 2011 | Leave a Comment

I dumped my boyfriend the other day because i was worried about where our relationship would lead after a while. We started to do stuff but after being away for 3 weeks I got worried our relationship would purely be about sexual things and make outs the whole time. Now I realized I’ve made a huge mistake and he still wants me but I don’t know how to get him back!! advice please??!! – Angel

Dear Angel,

Being away from a partner can be difficult, especially when the relationship is just starting out. When you’re alone for three weeks straight, you can’t check in with your partner as often and as fully as you can when you two are right in front of each other. It causes you to overthink everything: What are they doing right now? Why aren’t they responding to my calls? Don’t they care about me anymore? And overthinking leads to assumption: They’re probably having a great time without me. If they wanted to talk to me, they would call. They don’t care about me as much as I care about them. Or in your case: He’s just using me for sex; he doesn’t actually want to talk to me. Something like that. Things get complicated and convoluted and confusing—and resentment builds—but what you have to remember is that it’s all in your head.

It’s important that when your mind is on overdrive with these sorts of thoughts and worries, you let your partner know! Otherwise, you end up with assumptions and conclusions that may cause you to do something you never really meant to do (namely, break up with them). If you feel as though your partner is just using you for sex, talk to them about it. Let them know how you feel and why. For all you know, they may feel the same way you do and not know how to approach you about it! Everyone is biased with their own perception of how events transpire and what certain things mean; make sure to confirm your interpretations with your partner before acting on an assumption. That, among many other reasons, is why open communication is so crucial in any relationship.

While what’s done is done and cannot be undone, it’s never too late to start communicating. Tell your ex (but hopefully soon-to-be-boyfriend again) honestly why you did what you did, but also let him know how you feel now—and the sooner the better! Chances are that if you’re sincere and honest with how you feel and what you want, your boyfriend will do the same. If you both want to be with one another, then I see no reason why you two wouldn’t get back together.

Next time you have doubts about your partner or relationship, talk to them about it. Tell them why you feel that way and discuss it before solving it yourself. Hopefully, you’ll both do whatever you can to make the relationship better and find a compromise that works for both of you. If you can do that, you’re well on your way to securing a long-lasting and healthy relationship.

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Posted by Curtis Daniel | Filed Under Advice, Breakup 

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