Dear Candice,

After almost a year together, my boyfriend broke up with me. It caught me completely off guard and I know I want to get him back. We rarely fought and things were going great. Here is why he said he ended it:

* He wants to be single in college and does not want a relationship right now. (We’re both students at a university)
* He wished that I had hung out with his friends more.

I know that I want to get him back and I’ve been doing really well at not contacting him and giving him space while I pull myself back together. I just don’t know what to do next. I’m confused because the two reasons he gave me contradict each other: did he want around more to be with his friends or did he want to be single and have his guy time? I just don’t get it. Do you have any advice on how I can get him back? – Kara

Dear Kara,

First of all, the reason why you are so confused is because he is so confused. This is classic boy in college mode behavior. Part of the issue here is that this has nothing to do with you as a person, or you as a girlfriend, and so there is very little that you can do. He broke up with you because of the classic, “It’s not you, it’s me” line, but this time it’s true. Obviously you guys had been going out for awhile, but the break up shook you up because you don’t understand the cause. He broke up with you not because he didn’t like you anymore or because there were complications within the relationship, but because of the complications outside of it. He loved you, maybe he still does, but the time spent with you could not compare to what he observed his friends engaging in. Being a male in a relationship in college means to them no freedom, no flexibility to do what or who they want. Even if everything in your relationship was perfect, which is only possible in a fairytale, that still could not disabuse him of thinking of what it would be like if he were single.

The “Grass is Greener” theory is proven in the two reasons he gave you: obviously he makes this very clear with the first one, but it’s the second reason that gives you a clue into what is really going on. By bringing in his friends, you can definitely see how his male-male relationships are pressuring him from the outside to join them. Even if he loves you, this idea is extremely seductive and normally his friends will win. This does not mean that you are not worth something to him, only that he cannot reconcile his relationship with you and the pressure of “being one of the guys”, hence his confusion, which brings me back to your confusion.

Before you jump into trying to win him back, because this will be a battle between your desire and his libido, you should pause and ask yourself if you think he will even be open to the idea of getting back together, and if so how long that feeling will last. If he had already invested a year with you before he broke it off, he clearly had a lot of time to realize what you have to offer in terms of a relationship. If this was not enough for him the first time, it is highly unlikely that he will be satisfied a second time around, especially when you consider how young and impressionable college men can be.

If you feel that he will be receptive to the idea of getting back together, then the only advice I can give you would be to approach him primarily as a friend. Explain to him that you miss him in your life (which seems obviously true even if you want more than friendship), and want to at least see each other once in a while and keep in contact. Don’t try to pressure him into entering any kind of commitment while you’re still trying to ease your way back into each other’s lives. The rest is up to you, remember how you two got together in the first place, and remember what made you click. You can’t force someone to be with you no matter how much you love him, or how much he may love you (which he very well could presently). Commitment is a choice, a serious choice, and nudging or pushing someone into something they aren’t ready for or don’t really want can end up hurting you and them.

Dear Curtis,

My boyfriend of 1 year broke up with me… he says he still loves me and cares for me.. and he wants to be there for me… just he’s not ready for a relationship.. but i really love him.. and i want to do my best to help him get ready to have a relationship.. I’m afraid he’ll like someone else by then… I’m really depressed right now … please help… ~ France

Dear France,

Your boyfriend may very well love and care for you, but if he’s not ready for a relationship then there is nothing you can do to help him prepare for one. This readiness has to come from inside him, and although you can be there for him and support him in whatever he needs to go through, there is no way for you to make him ready.

It seems odd, though, that he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship after a whole year of being in one. Perhaps his claims of not being ready translate to him not wanting a serious commitment. (Usually, in cases where people aren’t ready for relationships, they mean the commitment aspect.) If it’s not that, then his “not being ready” might be a vague justification, an unfounded excuse for the breakup when in reality, he doesn’t have those feelings anymore and doesn’t have the courage to tell you the truth. If he said he doesn’t want a relationship (serious or otherwise), but then has a new partner a few weeks later, that’s a good indication.

Ask yourself this: do both of you want the same things in the future, a family or marriage or settling down? If you don’t, then maybe he simply wasn’t the guy for you. If you do and he is ready to commit, then it means he simply doesn’t want to be with you anymore. If you do and he isn’t ready to commit to that yet, you can either get over him or wait for him to hopefully come back to you when he is ready.

If you stick around long enough, maybe he’ll want you back. It’s a huge risk to take, especially when you’re putting your heart on the line indefinitely for something that may or may not happen, but maybe in the end you’ll see that it’s worth it. If not, maybe getting over him is the right step to take. If he’s not ready for a relationship but you are, you don’t have to wait around forever just to have one. In this case, you have every right to go out and get what you need. Like I said before, only he can know and decide when he is and isn’t ready for a relationship, and with whom; all you can do is be there for him or not. The choice, of course, is yours.

Dear Candice,

Dated a girl for 4 years.. on and off

Before I tell the story.. I know my faults and I have been predictable in the past.. I know that my ex gf believes i’ll always be there for her and that when she wants me she can have me.. When I tell her I don’t wanna talk to her I always give in and she doesn’t think im serious anymore becuase I’ve said it alot of times and then given in.

We broke up about a 2 months ago she said she was bored of the realationship that she thought it was getting too much of a routine..

For like the first couple days I tried getting back with her.. texting her, trying to make it work, etc..Then I stopped and didn’t talk to her for about 2 weeks. It was then my birthday and she called and texted me saying happy birthday that she wanted to come see me on my birthday and things so I let her. She came over to my house and it was really awkward and we started talking about things and I tried saying things to get her back. She told me that I annoy her when I try and get her back when she doesn’t want that. She told me that she was talking to another guy and that she really liked him. She then started crying and I asked her why was she crying. She said, which really didn’t make sense to me, “I’m just crying because I feel this might be the last time we are ever together”.. I told her that that’s fine lets not talk then.

I was good I didn’t call or text her for 3 weeks and I also didn’t hear from her, until i gave in yesterday. I gave in I lost control becuase I didn’t hear from her for so long and I feel like an idiot.. I texted her trying to talk to her.. and she told me “stop trying to talk to me, I’m busy and I don’t wanna hang out with you because I like someone else and I don’t wanna ruin it” I asked her if she truly feels we will never be together again? and she said YES.

I said a couple other things and she didn’t answer me..

confused : /

Did I push her away too far.. is there anyway I can gain control back because right now I have none? I really want her back in my life.. and I really do feel deep down she still loves me she just hides it. ~ Ben

Dear Ben,

I’m sorry to tell you this so blatantly, but I think you need to respect your ex’s wishes and leave her alone. Maybe, eventually one day in the future, the two of you will be able to calmly and rationally talk about why things fell apart, and maybe even become friends again. Although I truly believe that nothing can ever be broken so badly that it can’t be fixed, you have to understand that you are talking about another human with her own independent feelings. It sounds like you really, deeply care about this girl, especially since you dated for such a long period. I know that it seems impossible to think about your future without her in it, but believe me when I say you can move on and live a very happy, full life.

Even though long relationships are one of the greatest experiences young people can have, and help you grow into a better person, you should consider the effects it has on each of your abilities to be independent adults. One of the main reasons why your ex is so adamant about no contact, no communication, and no interaction is because of how used to talking to you on a regular basis she is. This kind of habit is really difficult to break, and talking to you every so often makes this even more so! Making a clean break allows her the chance to move on with her life, something that you should be thinking about.

I would normally say that you should leave her alone for a little while, allow her to try out some different things, before trying to approach her again. But in your case she has specifically asked you in various ways to leave her completely alone. If you disregard that, you begin to move into inappropriate levels of behavior.

I know that what you are going through is difficult, and that you feel that the obvious fix is to simply get back with your ex, but try to begin to see that this is not even an option anymore. She has made it very clear that she has already begun to carve out a new life for herself, one that she feels you cannot be a part of for whatever reasons. So now you have two options:

1.Continue to try to communicate with her and risk escalating the situation into something ugly. (DO NOT TAKE OPTION ONE!)

2.Recognizing the end of something that once made you happy, and realize that it is not the ONLY thing that can make you happy!

Try to focus on positive ways to deal with your unhappiness. Reach out to friends and family members and simply let them know that you’re dealing with some difficult issues, and try and work through them with those loved ones, because these are people who not only know you very well, but are able to correctly judge the situation you are in and give an unbiased suggestion for what you should do next.

Also, you might try getting involved in something active, or taking a new class, just anything to focus your energies on and distract you. Good luck, I know this is hard, but clearly you are very intelligent and capable of making the best out of this unpleasant situation. Good Luck!

Dear Candice,

My ex broke up with me in January after about a year together. I was 19 (since turned 20) and he was 25. When we met, we started dating two days later – our attraction was instant and he is still the love of my life.

We were very happy throughout the relationship – we barely fought, rarely had problems. However, in November, I started to get very insecure. I was unhappy with my school life (I am a theatre major and want to be an actor. I was starting to do a lot of stage management, and I was extremely unhappy with it – I hated it but didn’t know how to get out of it…I was so, so miserable. To top it off, my parents started having intense fights, and I would get phone calls while at college about them and get fought with and stuff like that…it was hard). I didn’t tell him about it because I didn’t want to stress him out anymore (which was weird, because we told each other everything)

During Winter Break, I was just a wreck – every time I thought about going back to school, I would get so scared and angry – and then there was always another fight going on with my parents (I live at home during breaks). Whenever that happened, I would push him – like fight him on nothing, or not tell him I love him so he would say it more. I wanted to get a rise out of him so I felt better about myself – so I would push him to make me feel better. I even tried to break up with him once because I knew he would push to stay with me. I HATE myself for what I did – I was just a needy, insecure ***** who didn’t deserve him.

When January came around and I started doing more Stage Management, I was even more miserable than before. I got in a large fight over him not wanting to wait for dinner – and he broke up with me, rightly so. He should have – I was horrible. After about two weeks of trying to get him to come talk to me, I started No Contact. We haven’t talked since.

For a long time, I was convinced he broke up with me because he was an *******. I am in pretty intense counseling, but I think I’ve worked through a lot of my issues. I stopped doing Stage Management, started acting more, stopped picking up the phone when my parents called, got new housing for the summer, and am actually really happy for the first time. I have great new friends that I got because of the breakup, and I very much enjoy who I am right now. The only thing missing is him.

How do I break NC and start talking to him again to get him back? He is not with anyone – all he really does is like sext a bunch of random girls from his new school – he hasn’t found anyone else. I know I screwed up and there has to be a way to show him that I’m better – I’ve worked on my issues, and I want him back. ~ Steph

Dear Steph,

First of all, I want to say congratulations for taking the necessary steps to getting your life back on a healthy track and making yourself happy! That kind of self-awareness and determination is something really hard to master, especially with all of those emotional objects piling on top of your college experience.

With that said, I think you should consider if getting back together with this guy is the best thing for you and for him. I know that you can see what an amazing boyfriend he can be, but you should also consider the emotional transformations that both of you have gone through since your break up. It is very possible that even though you still want him in your life, you are no longer as compatible as you once were, given the new maturity and insight that you have gained without his presence in your life at all. Now I have no idea whether he has emotionally changed or not, but neither do you, and that’s the point. Regardless of where he now is in his life (he may not even want to be in a relationship at all), more importantly you need to realize that you are a completely different woman with different needs than the person he dated since you’ve broken up.

The other side of this argument is if your new life (new friends, new classes, new apartment) is so amazing and wonderful, why do you still feel like you need a boyfriend in your life? Having a boyfriend is not the cure to all things, as you well know, and unless you deal with the aspects in your life that you’re trying to fill with your ex, you can’t ever really be happy, with him or alone. So, just make sure that you want to get back together with him for the right reasons, reasons that don’t suppress any other emotional dilemmas you may still be facing.

If you can honestly answer that YES! I still want him back after thinking that through, then the best advice I can give you is to first only attempt rekindling friendship. In this kind of situation, where you clearly mishandled the relationship from the first place and know that you hurt him, you can’t really expect anything else from him other than plutonic friendship. Adding the emotional pressure of reentering a romantic relationship will probably only send him running for the hills as far away from you as possible. So I would:

1.Text him (if you still have the number) or facebook message him with a friendly note like: “Hey, I was thinking of you the other day and realized we haven’t talked in awhile. I hope you’re doing well and would love to catch up some time.” Keep it completely friendly, not suggestive at all.

2.If he responds to this, continue to keep contact and after you get the feeling that he would like to spend some time with you, plan a day activity for the two of you. Again nothing romantic, but something that two friends would do together.

3.If this first “date” goes well, make another one, same rules apply. Don’t ever attempt to rush the situation, because he’s not stupid and will eventually figure out that this is the only reason you’re doing all of this.

4.Eventually you will be able to tell if he’s romantically interested in you again, and hopefully he will ask you out on a real date. However, I’m assuming he’s a normal guy, so you will probably have to do the asking. Don’t be over ambitious, but be clear when your intentions are romantic. Otherwise, you will only confuse him, and confused boys check out. If he turns you down, still try to remain friends with him and hope for the best over time.

If that initial contact does not go well, meaning he ignores that first text or facebook message, I am afraid you should just let it be. Being single in college is always difficult, especially when you’re convinced that there’s someone perfect for you out there if only he knew! However, you’ve already proven how independently capable you are, which in the long run, is much more important and useful for future crises than getting back together with the ex! Just keep reminding yourself how important you are, and if he is the right guy for you, he should be able to see that too!

I dumped my boyfriend the other day because i was worried about where our relationship would lead after a while. We started to do stuff but after being away for 3 weeks I got worried our relationship would purely be about sexual things and make outs the whole time. Now I realized I’ve made a huge mistake and he still wants me but I don’t know how to get him back!! advice please??!! – Angel

Dear Angel,

Being away from a partner can be difficult, especially when the relationship is just starting out. When you’re alone for three weeks straight, you can’t check in with your partner as often and as fully as you can when you two are right in front of each other. It causes you to overthink everything: What are they doing right now? Why aren’t they responding to my calls? Don’t they care about me anymore? And overthinking leads to assumption: They’re probably having a great time without me. If they wanted to talk to me, they would call. They don’t care about me as much as I care about them. Or in your case: He’s just using me for sex; he doesn’t actually want to talk to me. Something like that. Things get complicated and convoluted and confusing—and resentment builds—but what you have to remember is that it’s all in your head.

It’s important that when your mind is on overdrive with these sorts of thoughts and worries, you let your partner know! Otherwise, you end up with assumptions and conclusions that may cause you to do something you never really meant to do (namely, break up with them). If you feel as though your partner is just using you for sex, talk to them about it. Let them know how you feel and why. For all you know, they may feel the same way you do and not know how to approach you about it! Everyone is biased with their own perception of how events transpire and what certain things mean; make sure to confirm your interpretations with your partner before acting on an assumption. That, among many other reasons, is why open communication is so crucial in any relationship.

While what’s done is done and cannot be undone, it’s never too late to start communicating. Tell your ex (but hopefully soon-to-be-boyfriend again) honestly why you did what you did, but also let him know how you feel now—and the sooner the better! Chances are that if you’re sincere and honest with how you feel and what you want, your boyfriend will do the same. If you both want to be with one another, then I see no reason why you two wouldn’t get back together.

Next time you have doubts about your partner or relationship, talk to them about it. Tell them why you feel that way and discuss it before solving it yourself. Hopefully, you’ll both do whatever you can to make the relationship better and find a compromise that works for both of you. If you can do that, you’re well on your way to securing a long-lasting and healthy relationship.

Well three weeks ago, I went to my ex Brian’s work during his break right? I went to confess something. I told him then two weeks ago, I was seeing another guy and had an affair and had sexual intercourse with him. It was great, but suddenly, I realized my mistake and stopped seeing that guy. I also told Brian that I was gonna break up with him, but I changed my mind. Brian went ballistic on me. He was crushed about what I said. He threw the promise ring that I gave him and he said it was over and he can’t trust me anymore! I promised Brian that I would never flirt with other guys again, but I did behind his back and broke the promise. Nobody, not even my sister, has spoken to me for three weeks. Yesterday, I tried talking to Brian, but he kept ignoring me! I tried calling him, texting him, but no response back. I wanna get him back!!! I want him to trust me again! – Joy

Dear Joy,

Trust is such a delicate thing when it comes to relationships. It may take months or years to build, but only seconds to shatter. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that trust is like a mirror: You can fix it if it’s broken, but you’ll always be able to see the cracks in its reflection. Once you break someone’s trust, you can make amends to try and gain it back, but there will always be cracks of mistrust and doubt in your relationship. It will never be the same as it was before.

Before you do whatever you can to try and get your ex back, think about whether or not you truly and honestly want to be with him. Think about why you cheated on him in the first place: What were you trying to achieve? Was it a simple mistake or were you trying to tell yourself something? Were you really happy with him or did you always feel like you needed something else? And now that you two are separated, think about why you want him back: Is it because you still honestly love him or do you just want what you can’t have? Would you promise to change your behavior and be the best partner possible if he gave you a second chance or would you do the same thing all over again? What steps, if any, would you take to ensure that you’d be faithful and honest with him?

It could be that being single right now is a better move for you; you’ll have the freedom to be with whomever you want and sample open relationships and maybe that’s what’s best for you right now. Or maybe cheating on your ex just made you realize how much you can’t bear to be without him, which makes you want him back even more. But before you can convince him that you deserve a second chance, you have to be sure of it yourself. So, do you believe you deserve a second chance? Why?

Only once you’ve been able to promise yourself that you will commit to being a loyal and loving partner—the partner that your ex wants and deserves—you can attempt to contact him and explain yourself. (Personally, I would write a letter of some sort so that you can say everything you want without interruption or getting sidetracked.) If and when you do contact him,  remember that he doesn’t need to hear specifics and details of what happened (unless, of course, he asks for them specifically); he only needs to know that you’re aware that your actions were wrong and that you’re genuinely and sincerely sorry. He wants you to realize the error of your ways and change them permanently and if you want to be with him, you should want the same thing.

There is a chance he may not want to speak with you at all and you can’t really fault him for that (because for all he knows, speaking with you again would only lead to more lies and heartache, of which he’s had plenty already). For this reason, I suggest writing a single letter and nothing else. If you bombard him with text messages and phone calls, he will avoid you and not understand how you expect him to forgive you so quickly. First, give him the time and space he needs to recover from the terrible things he’s gone through; give him some time to remember why he was with you in the first place and after reading your honest and apologetic letter, he may realize that he still wants to be with you despite all that.

Basically, over a week ago my boyfriend of a year broke up with me. I’m 17 and he’s 18. What happened was he got caught with drugs by the police, then his parents found out, and his parents are really strict. I was worried about him because I was worried he might do something stupid, he was acting so weird and he’d never been that way once since I’d known him. I tried talking to him and comforting him to make sure he was okay, he kept telling me to leave him alone and then he started being really horrible to me for no reason. Long story short at the same time he was telling me to f off, I found out he was trying it with this girl on facebook. I went mad and went on his facebook account and wrote a lot of bad things about him and he broke up with me over it, but said he’d still be friends. A few days later I met up with him to clear the air, I apologised for what I did and he said he forgives me. I asked if he could ever consider getting back with me. He said no but I’ll still be your friend, I said I cant be friends with you anymore, it’s too painful and went home. He also said he was happier without me.

A few days later I thought I was okay and that I could start talking to him again but I found out he was meeting that girl like the breakup didn’t even affect him at all, and it just made me feel sick thinking about him with her and he admitted half the reason he broke up with me was cause of her. I texted him saying don’t ever talk to me again and I haven’t spoken to him since.

I had an argument with that girl he was talking to but we called a truce and started talking, I made sure to say a lot that I’d moved on (even though I obviously haven’t) cause I knew it would get back to him and I realised that she obviously doesn’t like him at all and is probably just gonna lead him on, however I know she’s like perfect in his eyes.

Anyway I still love him and I really want him back and I wanna talk to him so badly, but I don’t know what to do, I don’t feel like that girl is much of a threat anymore but I want him to want me back, what can I do or have I blown my chances completely? :/ – Christina

Dear Christina,

Before you jump at the thought of getting back together with your partner, think about what you really want. Consider the fact that this person cheated on you with someone else and rather than being upfront with you about his feelings, he treated you badly and was only honest with you after both of you had broken up. Now think: Is this really the person you want for a partner?

Now, I don’t mean to criticize or judge because nobody is perfect! Making mistakes is natural and as long as people realize their mistakes and learn from them, they will continue to mature and grow as partners and as human beings. I also believe that when motivated, people are also incredibly capable of change! If someone is truly and deeply committed to improving his or herself, they can, with hard work and determination, work toward becoming a better person. It may not be easy, but it’s not impossible.

If you really want your ex back, the most you can do at this point is respect his needs. After such a breakup, there is little you can do to “win” the other partner back; no amount of text messages or phone calls or Facebook messages will help if what your ex needs is time. In fact, excessive attempts at communication with them is probably detrimental and you will come across as needy and desperate.

What I think would be most beneficial to you is to spend some time separated from him. This will give you some time for introspection and allow you to figure out exactly what you want. Whether or not you decide that you still want him, you will have given yourself the time and space to think about it and make a logical and well-thought-out decision. In the meantime, the distance will also give him some breathing room if he’s been feeling suffocated by you.

If you decide that you do want him and that you absolutely need to speak with him about it, I would suggest writing a letter (either handwritten, email, or even a Facebook message will do). That way, you can clearly and carefully say what you need to say without the interruption and emotional chaos of dialogue. Be honest. Let him know where you are and what you want, but don’t beg or plead. After you finish, I would suggest looking over it and editing it, just to be sure you haven’t written something too needy or too desperate.

The ball is in his court now; If he wants to write back or communicate with you, he will eventually. And if he doesn’t, don’t be discouraged. If he’s the uncommunicative one, you have nothing to regret or be ashamed of; you’ve done everything you can without infringing on his boundaries and that’s really as far as you want to go.