Getting Boyfriend Back After Cheating

October 7, 2011 | Leave a Comment

Well three weeks ago, I went to my ex Brian’s work during his break right? I went to confess something. I told him then two weeks ago, I was seeing another guy and had an affair and had sexual intercourse with him. It was great, but suddenly, I realized my mistake and stopped seeing that guy. I also told Brian that I was gonna break up with him, but I changed my mind. Brian went ballistic on me. He was crushed about what I said. He threw the promise ring that I gave him and he said it was over and he can’t trust me anymore! I promised Brian that I would never flirt with other guys again, but I did behind his back and broke the promise. Nobody, not even my sister, has spoken to me for three weeks. Yesterday, I tried talking to Brian, but he kept ignoring me! I tried calling him, texting him, but no response back. I wanna get him back!!! I want him to trust me again! – Joy

Dear Joy,

Trust is such a delicate thing when it comes to relationships. It may take months or years to build, but only seconds to shatter. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that trust is like a mirror: You can fix it if it’s broken, but you’ll always be able to see the cracks in its reflection. Once you break someone’s trust, you can make amends to try and gain it back, but there will always be cracks of mistrust and doubt in your relationship. It will never be the same as it was before.

Before you do whatever you can to try and get your ex back, think about whether or not you truly and honestly want to be with him. Think about why you cheated on him in the first place: What were you trying to achieve? Was it a simple mistake or were you trying to tell yourself something? Were you really happy with him or did you always feel like you needed something else? And now that you two are separated, think about why you want him back: Is it because you still honestly love him or do you just want what you can’t have? Would you promise to change your behavior and be the best partner possible if he gave you a second chance or would you do the same thing all over again? What steps, if any, would you take to ensure that you’d be faithful and honest with him?

It could be that being single right now is a better move for you; you’ll have the freedom to be with whomever you want and sample open relationships and maybe that’s what’s best for you right now. Or maybe cheating on your ex just made you realize how much you can’t bear to be without him, which makes you want him back even more. But before you can convince him that you deserve a second chance, you have to be sure of it yourself. So, do you believe you deserve a second chance? Why?

Only once you’ve been able to promise yourself that you will commit to being a loyal and loving partner—the partner that your ex wants and deserves—you can attempt to contact him and explain yourself. (Personally, I would write a letter of some sort so that you can say everything you want without interruption or getting sidetracked.) If and when you do contact him,  remember that he doesn’t need to hear specifics and details of what happened (unless, of course, he asks for them specifically); he only needs to know that you’re aware that your actions were wrong and that you’re genuinely and sincerely sorry. He wants you to realize the error of your ways and change them permanently and if you want to be with him, you should want the same thing.

There is a chance he may not want to speak with you at all and you can’t really fault him for that (because for all he knows, speaking with you again would only lead to more lies and heartache, of which he’s had plenty already). For this reason, I suggest writing a single letter and nothing else. If you bombard him with text messages and phone calls, he will avoid you and not understand how you expect him to forgive you so quickly. First, give him the time and space he needs to recover from the terrible things he’s gone through; give him some time to remember why he was with you in the first place and after reading your honest and apologetic letter, he may realize that he still wants to be with you despite all that.

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Posted by Curtis Daniel | Filed Under Advice, Breakup 

Getting Boyfriend Back After a Breakup After Facebook Fail

October 5, 2011 | 1 Comment

Basically, over a week ago my boyfriend of a year broke up with me. I’m 17 and he’s 18. What happened was he got caught with drugs by the police, then his parents found out, and his parents are really strict. I was worried about him because I was worried he might do something stupid, he was acting so weird and he’d never been that way once since I’d known him. I tried talking to him and comforting him to make sure he was okay, he kept telling me to leave him alone and then he started being really horrible to me for no reason. Long story short at the same time he was telling me to f off, I found out he was trying it with this girl on facebook. I went mad and went on his facebook account and wrote a lot of bad things about him and he broke up with me over it, but said he’d still be friends. A few days later I met up with him to clear the air, I apologised for what I did and he said he forgives me. I asked if he could ever consider getting back with me. He said no but I’ll still be your friend, I said I cant be friends with you anymore, it’s too painful and went home. He also said he was happier without me. :(

A few days later I thought I was okay and that I could start talking to him again but I found out he was meeting that girl like the breakup didn’t even affect him at all, and it just made me feel sick thinking about him with her and he admitted half the reason he broke up with me was cause of her. I texted him saying don’t ever talk to me again and I haven’t spoken to him since.

I had an argument with that girl he was talking to but we called a truce and started talking, I made sure to say a lot that I’d moved on (even though I obviously haven’t) cause I knew it would get back to him and I realised that she obviously doesn’t like him at all and is probably just gonna lead him on, however I know she’s like perfect in his eyes.

Anyway I still love him and I really want him back and I wanna talk to him so badly, but I don’t know what to do, I don’t feel like that girl is much of a threat anymore but I want him to want me back, what can I do or have I blown my chances completely? :/ – Christina

Dear Christina,

Before you jump at the thought of getting back together with your partner, think about what you really want. Consider the fact that this person cheated on you with someone else and rather than being upfront with you about his feelings, he treated you badly and was only honest with you after both of you had broken up. Now think: Is this really the person you want for a partner?

Now, I don’t mean to criticize or judge because nobody is perfect! Making mistakes is natural and as long as people realize their mistakes and learn from them, they will continue to mature and grow as partners and as human beings. I also believe that when motivated, people are also incredibly capable of change! If someone is truly and deeply committed to improving his or herself, they can, with hard work and determination, work toward becoming a better person. It may not be easy, but it’s not impossible.

If you really want your ex back, the most you can do at this point is respect his needs. After such a breakup, there is little you can do to “win” the other partner back; no amount of text messages or phone calls or Facebook messages will help if what your ex needs is time. In fact, excessive attempts at communication with them is probably detrimental and you will come across as needy and desperate.

What I think would be most beneficial to you is to spend some time separated from him. This will give you some time for introspection and allow you to figure out exactly what you want. Whether or not you decide that you still want him, you will have given yourself the time and space to think about it and make a logical and well-thought-out decision. In the meantime, the distance will also give him some breathing room if he’s been feeling suffocated by you.

If you decide that you do want him and that you absolutely need to speak with him about it, I would suggest writing a letter (either handwritten, email, or even a Facebook message will do). That way, you can clearly and carefully say what you need to say without the interruption and emotional chaos of dialogue. Be honest. Let him know where you are and what you want, but don’t beg or plead. After you finish, I would suggest looking over it and editing it, just to be sure you haven’t written something too needy or too desperate.

The ball is in his court now; If he wants to write back or communicate with you, he will eventually. And if he doesn’t, don’t be discouraged. If he’s the uncommunicative one, you have nothing to regret or be ashamed of; you’ve done everything you can without infringing on his boundaries and that’s really as far as you want to go.

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Posted by Curtis Daniel | Filed Under Breakup 

Leaving a Violent Husband

September 30, 2011 | Leave a Comment

My husband is constantly putting me down. He gets mad and picks up things and acts like he is going to throw them at me. Three fourths of the time he does… I used to just get upset and cry or argue… now I just get violent…. I’m not even close to being his strength level and in the end I get the brunt of everything. It’s about every 2 weeks and then it’s like we wake up and it’s a new day…. I can’t live like this anymore…. He spit in my face because I was laughing at him because he was acting crazy trying to find something…. Does this cycle ever break? Can people change…. We quit drinking, are in counseling individually and have a minister come once weekly for guidance and God’s want for a Christian marriage…. I really don’t want to leave but I have to… I’ve signed a lease… me and the four kids are leaving…. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way. He has so much potential and I see the good. It’s just so far buried down in his anger that it’s not much to want to find anymore, any advice… divorce is the last thing I want but it just keeps getting worse. – Laura

Dear Laura,

There’s no excuse for abuse, whether it’s emotional, physical, or otherwise. In order for your marriage to be saved, both you and your husband have to want to save it. This means that both of you must make the effort to improve it and work together. Him continuously abusing you despite counseling tells you that he isn’t making any effort to change.This isn’t to say that he can’t change. I believe that people can if they truly want to; it may not be quick and it may not be easy, but it’s not impossible. However, from your husband’s behavior, it seems as though he isn’t serious about changing his ways. If you are certain you want to leave him, which it seems you are, then that is the right decision.

If you (and most importantly, your children) are in an abusive and toxic environment, then the most important thing is to get out. Neither you nor your children deserve to be in such a household. Your children should not be given an abusive relationship to look up to because they may grow up believing that such interactions between husbands and wives are not only acceptable, but desirable as well. Even worse, if your husband finds no shame in abusing you, who can say for sure that he isn’t abusing them? If you can’t leave him for yourself, at least do it for your children. They deserve a better life and a better future just as much as you do.

In terms of the specifics of how to go about leaving your husband, I would always suggest legal methods over illegal ones. Your safety and well being and those of your kids (and your husband, too) are paramount and if the police or other legal authorities need to intervene, then the best thing to do is to let them. They’re there for your protection.

Ultimately, whether you decide to attempt to fix the marriage or leave it be, you alone must take the steps to change your situation. Any and all advice given to you will amount to nothing if you do not use it, and it is imperative that you do exactly that. You have to change the situation for yourself and for your family in whatever way you think is best and no one else can do it for you. In general, though, if you put safety first, you can’t really go wrong.

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Posted by Curtis Daniel | Filed Under Breakup, Marriage 

Ex-boyfriend Avoiding Me

September 28, 2011 | Leave a Comment

Me and my ex boyfriend were together for 3 years. He came to me one day and said he didn’t know if he still loved me. He wanted to split up but still date. He told me I had changed. Now it has been 4 months and I did everything I shouldn’t do like text him and call him and now he blocks my calls. I stopped all of that for a month and then ran into him at the lake the first time. We talked. It was good and ran into him again at the lake a few more times, but I asked if he would like to go to lunch, he said maybe, but one day at the lake I had one too many beers and he saw me and turned around and left. Stupid me, I followed him. It has been 3 days. Now he says I’m stalking him even though I just wanted to talk. He says I call and text him from different numbers but I don’t. He says he doesn’t love me and that he doesn’t want to be with me. I still love him; I just want him, but in his eyes I look like a stalker. Do I still have a chance and if so how? Please help. Thank you so much. – Vicki

Dear Vicki,

Unfortunately, breakups are rarely mutual. If one partner wants it to be over, it pretty much is and there is very little the other can do. That rejection can be difficult to handle. Some people react with anger and completely ignore their exes and act like everything is okay, and some react with fear and try to hold on to the relationship even after it’s long gone.

What you have to remember is this: You do not want to convince someone to be with you. No amount of begging, groveling, or pleading will get you your ex back; if anything, they’ll lose respect for you. Relationships are not built on pity and guilt. You want someone who will love you, not because they feel some obligation to do so and not because you did anything special to obtain that love. You want someone who loves you for who you are, easily and naturally, without having to be convinced or persuaded of how they feel. Just the same, you wouldn’t want a partner you felt like you had to be with; you want a partner you want to be with.

This means that no amount of calling, texting, or other forms of what your ex might consider “stalking” will help the situation. He wants it to be over and right now, you can’t do much about that. I would suggest being respectful of him and giving him the space and time that he needs. I know it’s hard, but keep your distance from him. You don’t want to force him to be with you (or force yourself onto him, from the sound of it); if he loves you, he’ll come back to you in his own time. If not, hopefully you’ll have gotten over him by then.

The time you’re giving for him to be alone is also time for yourself. Give yourself the distance you need to get over him. If you’re unsure of what I mean, read “Keeping Distance From Ex In Order To Move On”. Hopefully, one day you’ll be able to talk to him plainly and without a hidden agenda and he’ll be able to talk to you at all.

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Posted by Curtis Daniel | Filed Under Advice, Breakup 

Keeping Distance From Ex In Order To Move On

September 26, 2011 | Leave a Comment

I dated my boyfriend for 3 years and at first I broke up with him and we have been broken up for 4 months now. In the first month we were broken up, he tried to get back with me and I wasn’t ready so I pushed him away. Then we would kind of talk in the months and then I started to miss him a lot and I started to get back together with him and he said just not right now and I want to be friends maybe someday we’ll be back together, stuff like that. I started begging to get back together. That didn’t work. So I told him a week ago that I hope one day in the future he can give us a chance. But right now I need to move on. I haven’t talked to him in a week. Do you think if we don’t talk for a while he will miss what we had? Because we haven’t had a month where we didn’t talk to eachother, or is it too late and he’s moved on and so should I? – Taylor

Dear Taylor,

Breakups are never easy and it takes time to heal afterward. Unfortunately, if you’re constantly surrounded by your ex, the process of getting over them takes a lot longer. Seeing your ex may ignite feelings of anxiety, jealousy, anger, and sadness, all of which delay your feeling better about yourself. Even worse, seeing an ex may cause you to reconsider the breakup and want to get back together with them, stirring feelings of doubt, longing, and desire, which are steps in the wrong direction. As much as you miss them and want to see them, the feelings and actions that may result are toxic to the process of getting over them. In order to feel more confident that there is life after a breakup, you need to keep your distance from your ex.

I understand that sometimes this may be difficult to do, as everything inside you wants to talk to them and see them, but quitting them cold turkey is the best move you can make for yourself. Even if you and your ex were friends, you two need to be apart for a while before that friendship has room to grow again without any romantic feelings attached. If you feel so inclined, let your ex know politely that you need some time apart from them. Tell them not to contact you or see you until you initiate contact with them not because you dislike them (unless, of course, you do), but because you need time to heal. That way, you two are completely extracted from each other’s lives until further notice. Hopefully, your ex will understand your need to disconnect. If not, feel free to ignore them entirely. After a breakup, you need to take care of yourself first.

Now, what do you do in the time you’re getting over them? Like the old adage, “A watched pot never boils,” if you sit idly around and wait for yourself to get over them, thoughts of them will undoubtedly worm their way into your mind and make you feel more miserable than ever. Instead, go out! Have fun! Do things that distract you from your breakup. Surround yourself with friends and family and people who love you and want the best for you. Take up a hobby or learn a new skill or throw yourself into your work. Do something good for yourself to stop thinking about your ex and build a life of your own again. And only after a good amount of time has passed and you feel comfortable speaking with them again, can you reconnect with your ex if you so wish. Usually my rule of thumb in most relationships is a minimum of three months of total and complete separation.

After those three (or more) months of separation, see how you feel. Hopefully, you’ll feel more independent than before. You will be able to confidently and proudly walk up to your ex, without any resentment or hurt or jealousy or desire, and after they ask how you’ve been, you can say in all honesty that you’ve been doing quite well without them.

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Posted by Curtis Daniel | Filed Under Breakup 

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