Dear Candice,

How do you know when or if a relationship is toxic? What are the signs? How long does it typically take to figure it out? I mean, I know as you are just getting to know someone there will be questions, issues, speed bumps, etc….but at what point do you just realize things aren’t what they should be? ~ Amanda

Dear Amanda,

This is a really tricky question. Not only is this extremely difficult to answer because I don’t definitely know what you describe as “toxic”, but also because different people can handle different things, and need different things. To start off, I would just say as a blanket statement that if the relationship you are in (any kind) makes you feel any sort of uncomfortable ( HUGE range of emotions) for more than 20% of your time, then it is not worth it.

Being in a relationship is complicated but by definition you are expected to compromise on things that you want, this is a given and there is no way getting around it. The difficulty therein lies in how much and what you are compromising to be with this person. Any kind of physical or verbal abuse is unacceptable. This is not debatable, and there is no reason to “classify” what qualifies as verbal or physical abuse. If the person you are with makes you feel unsafe in any way, you need to let them go as soon as you can. I would argue that abuse is the highest level of “toxic”, and again, I have no idea what you consider toxic, or what you are personally going through, but this is true for everyone.

With that said, being in a so-called toxic relationship does not necessarily mean that there is any real significant clue that you can directly pinpoint. There may be as you said, speed bumps and disagreements that can add up to a bigger, insurmountable problem. I would suggest that the rule of thumb in any relationship you find yourself in, is asking yourself the right question, and answering yourself truthfully.

For example , if you have had the same fight for whatever reason more than three times, ask yourself what is the real problem that is stimulating the argument. Once you can clearly define the crux of the problem, the next step is to ask yourself how you would like to fix it. Identifying a solution is often difficult and unrewarding because once you have one, you need to discuss it with your partner. I am going to assume they do not like the plan you come up with, which brings you back to another question: Why don’t they like it? Identifying his needs in relation to yours is critical and necessary in every fight, disagreement, and argument. Understanding the driving forces in each other’s character is the only way to determine whether you can compromise or if you are in fact not that compatible. If you discover that what he wants is something you are really not willing to sacrifice, then I would say you have found yourself in an unhealthy, or “toxic”, relationship.

As for the length of time, I am sorry to tell you that there is no measurable statistics on this. You are your own person, learn to know what you can and will not do or tolerate. The best part of a relationship is not only getting to know someone else, but also getting to know yourself. Take this opportunity to discover what you want out of yourself, your life, and your partner, and be sure to clearly define what you are definitely not willing to give up, whether that is religion, certain foods, or shower privileges. Everyone is allowed to be themselves, and if you are with someone who is constantly trying to modify you, that is what I consider toxic.

Dear Candice,

After almost a year together, my boyfriend broke up with me. It caught me completely off guard and I know I want to get him back. We rarely fought and things were going great. Here is why he said he ended it:

* He wants to be single in college and does not want a relationship right now. (We’re both students at a university)
* He wished that I had hung out with his friends more.

I know that I want to get him back and I’ve been doing really well at not contacting him and giving him space while I pull myself back together. I just don’t know what to do next. I’m confused because the two reasons he gave me contradict each other: did he want around more to be with his friends or did he want to be single and have his guy time? I just don’t get it. Do you have any advice on how I can get him back? – Kara

Dear Kara,

First of all, the reason why you are so confused is because he is so confused. This is classic boy in college mode behavior. Part of the issue here is that this has nothing to do with you as a person, or you as a girlfriend, and so there is very little that you can do. He broke up with you because of the classic, “It’s not you, it’s me” line, but this time it’s true. Obviously you guys had been going out for awhile, but the break up shook you up because you don’t understand the cause. He broke up with you not because he didn’t like you anymore or because there were complications within the relationship, but because of the complications outside of it. He loved you, maybe he still does, but the time spent with you could not compare to what he observed his friends engaging in. Being a male in a relationship in college means to them no freedom, no flexibility to do what or who they want. Even if everything in your relationship was perfect, which is only possible in a fairytale, that still could not disabuse him of thinking of what it would be like if he were single.

The “Grass is Greener” theory is proven in the two reasons he gave you: obviously he makes this very clear with the first one, but it’s the second reason that gives you a clue into what is really going on. By bringing in his friends, you can definitely see how his male-male relationships are pressuring him from the outside to join them. Even if he loves you, this idea is extremely seductive and normally his friends will win. This does not mean that you are not worth something to him, only that he cannot reconcile his relationship with you and the pressure of “being one of the guys”, hence his confusion, which brings me back to your confusion.

Before you jump into trying to win him back, because this will be a battle between your desire and his libido, you should pause and ask yourself if you think he will even be open to the idea of getting back together, and if so how long that feeling will last. If he had already invested a year with you before he broke it off, he clearly had a lot of time to realize what you have to offer in terms of a relationship. If this was not enough for him the first time, it is highly unlikely that he will be satisfied a second time around, especially when you consider how young and impressionable college men can be.

If you feel that he will be receptive to the idea of getting back together, then the only advice I can give you would be to approach him primarily as a friend. Explain to him that you miss him in your life (which seems obviously true even if you want more than friendship), and want to at least see each other once in a while and keep in contact. Don’t try to pressure him into entering any kind of commitment while you’re still trying to ease your way back into each other’s lives. The rest is up to you, remember how you two got together in the first place, and remember what made you click. You can’t force someone to be with you no matter how much you love him, or how much he may love you (which he very well could presently). Commitment is a choice, a serious choice, and nudging or pushing someone into something they aren’t ready for or don’t really want can end up hurting you and them.

Dear Candice,

I’ve been in and out a few relationships. Lately I’ve been having dreams about a girl that I was really in love with a long time ago. My dream girl, she is. We never got together but we’re civil to each other until now. We don’t talk or see each other much but when we do, we get along really well. I thought I gave up on her a long time ago ‘cos she started dating some other guy. I think about her more often now. I wanted to tell her how I feel, but was scared to know that she doesn’t feel the same for me, or if she does, the relationship might not last long. So my question is… how to get your dream girl and keep her for good? – Oliver George from Texas

If not all, most of us have someone that we dream of dating, cuddling and spending our time with. But not everyone has the chance to really get to meet and know very well that someone. It’s because most of us didn’t take the chance… often, we fear rejection. How can you possibly get your dream girl doesn’t involve how you treat women, but how you treat yourself, you got to be a real man.

Always look for something greater. Among the positive things about life, whether a situation is brought about by luck, fate or your past actions, you can always evolve to a better life. If you want to keep going, you certainly can, because there are plenty of levels to keep evolving to. Never stop dreaming and achieving for something greater than your life now.

Get rid of your ‘inner wussy’ . More often, inner wussy screws up your chances in getting the girl of your dream. You may need to take some time getting rid of it, because usually, it gets stuck and take away energy from you and going forward can be a lot difficult. Think about what benefits you can get by thinking like a wussy. Perhaps if you grumble about stuff it indicates you do not have to feel accountable for your life, which may feel good in the short-term. Or perhaps if you whine about how awful other people are will give you a slight feeling of being superior to others. Do yourself a favor, and get rid of this stuff. It will never serve you, and women don’t dig it.

Be responsible. If you wish to have a tremendous success with women as well as life, be someone who makes things happen. Be responsible in every thoughts and actions you make. And if you find yourself trying to get away and not taking responsibility for your decisions in life, take a pause and remind yourself that you are the one responsible for your own life. Particularly in those times when it’s fairly easy to put blame on somebody else. If you take responsibility for your very existence, you’ll be a much better person who can create the life you hope for in the process.

Keep in mind that you can only change yourself, not others. Focus on yourself, not women. “You can’t change other people, you can only change yourself…”  is one great adage that we can all can live for. Whenever things go south or you weren’t able to get what you want, your immediate thought is “this other person should change, or else..,”  this is not how you should think. If you really want to be a lot more successful with women, quit from wanting women to change for you, and rather start changing yourself. Once you do, you’ll also change your own point of view and your results.

Dear Candice,

I’m awfully a shy person. Going up to a guy and initiate communication is difficult for me. A few days ago I met someone on an Internet dating site, please give me some advice on this. Can this be a good start? Thanks – Marah

Dear Marah,

Given the frantic lifestyle most of us lead nowadays, finding the ideal partner can often prove to be virtually impossible, irrespective of whether or you’re a man or a woman. Because of this, Internet dating sites have become immensely popular, but of course just as with many things in life, you get good sites and bad sites. This is exactly why so many people stand to benefit from having a reliable singles websites guide; in that they can do much in terms of helping you avoid some of the more dubious singles websites one comes across on the internet.

The most important thing of all to remember when you’re considering signing up with singles websites is your own personal safety. Admittedly, the vast majority of people who frequent such websites are in the exact same position as you are, and they are also hoping to find the ideal partner, but of course, there’s also that small minority who join such websites with nothing but ill intentions in mind. Once again, a good, informative singles websites guide can help you to avoid making contact with such individuals. For example, one such singles websites guide highlights the importance of avoiding situations where you could be required to share your personal information such as your physical address and your telephone number. As is mentioned in the guide, you should never consider sharing such information with anyone you meet on singles websites, at least not for a few weeks.

The same singles websites guide referred to above also explains why you should take extreme care when it comes to actually meeting the other person you’ve been communicating with, even if you’ve been communicating for a few months. For example, the guide explains why you should always insist on meeting in a public place where they will be many people about, and of course, you should always try to use your own transport if you have any. Alternatively, you should make sure you have enough money on you so that you can pay for a taxi if necessary. Let’s face it; even though the two of you may have been communicating for quite some time, that’s not to say that you know each other very well, so of course you don’t want to rely on someone for transport when you barely even know them.

These tips are of course just the tip of the iceberg, and that’s why you should make a point of finding a reputable singles websites guide if you intend signing up with singles websites. A good guide will explain in detail why you should never open up completely on your first date by telling your date your entire life story. Likewise, you should never start or encourage any form of conversation regarding sex with anyone you meet on singles websites. Also, the same singles websites guide referred to in this article explains why you should never lie when you meet your date, because after all, lies always tend to come out in the end, and it’s certainly not a good way of starting a relationship, particularly if you’re hoping to find a lifelong partner.

Providing you take this advice into consideration when you begin frequenting singles websites, and providing you follow the advice given in a singles websites guide, you should have no difficulty finding and meeting someone who may very well end up being your partner for life. And yes, it can be a good start.