Dear Candice,

Dated a girl for 4 years.. on and off

Before I tell the story.. I know my faults and I have been predictable in the past.. I know that my ex gf believes i’ll always be there for her and that when she wants me she can have me.. When I tell her I don’t wanna talk to her I always give in and she doesn’t think im serious anymore becuase I’ve said it alot of times and then given in.

We broke up about a 2 months ago she said she was bored of the realationship that she thought it was getting too much of a routine..

For like the first couple days I tried getting back with her.. texting her, trying to make it work, etc..Then I stopped and didn’t talk to her for about 2 weeks. It was then my birthday and she called and texted me saying happy birthday that she wanted to come see me on my birthday and things so I let her. She came over to my house and it was really awkward and we started talking about things and I tried saying things to get her back. She told me that I annoy her when I try and get her back when she doesn’t want that. She told me that she was talking to another guy and that she really liked him. She then started crying and I asked her why was she crying. She said, which really didn’t make sense to me, “I’m just crying because I feel this might be the last time we are ever together”.. I told her that that’s fine lets not talk then.

I was good I didn’t call or text her for 3 weeks and I also didn’t hear from her, until i gave in yesterday. I gave in I lost control becuase I didn’t hear from her for so long and I feel like an idiot.. I texted her trying to talk to her.. and she told me “stop trying to talk to me, I’m busy and I don’t wanna hang out with you because I like someone else and I don’t wanna ruin it” I asked her if she truly feels we will never be together again? and she said YES.

I said a couple other things and she didn’t answer me..

confused : /

Did I push her away too far.. is there anyway I can gain control back because right now I have none? I really want her back in my life.. and I really do feel deep down she still loves me she just hides it. ~ Ben

Dear Ben,

I’m sorry to tell you this so blatantly, but I think you need to respect your ex’s wishes and leave her alone. Maybe, eventually one day in the future, the two of you will be able to calmly and rationally talk about why things fell apart, and maybe even become friends again. Although I truly believe that nothing can ever be broken so badly that it can’t be fixed, you have to understand that you are talking about another human with her own independent feelings. It sounds like you really, deeply care about this girl, especially since you dated for such a long period. I know that it seems impossible to think about your future without her in it, but believe me when I say you can move on and live a very happy, full life.

Even though long relationships are one of the greatest experiences young people can have, and help you grow into a better person, you should consider the effects it has on each of your abilities to be independent adults. One of the main reasons why your ex is so adamant about no contact, no communication, and no interaction is because of how used to talking to you on a regular basis she is. This kind of habit is really difficult to break, and talking to you every so often makes this even more so! Making a clean break allows her the chance to move on with her life, something that you should be thinking about.

I would normally say that you should leave her alone for a little while, allow her to try out some different things, before trying to approach her again. But in your case she has specifically asked you in various ways to leave her completely alone. If you disregard that, you begin to move into inappropriate levels of behavior.

I know that what you are going through is difficult, and that you feel that the obvious fix is to simply get back with your ex, but try to begin to see that this is not even an option anymore. She has made it very clear that she has already begun to carve out a new life for herself, one that she feels you cannot be a part of for whatever reasons. So now you have two options:

1.Continue to try to communicate with her and risk escalating the situation into something ugly. (DO NOT TAKE OPTION ONE!)

2.Recognizing the end of something that once made you happy, and realize that it is not the ONLY thing that can make you happy!

Try to focus on positive ways to deal with your unhappiness. Reach out to friends and family members and simply let them know that you’re dealing with some difficult issues, and try and work through them with those loved ones, because these are people who not only know you very well, but are able to correctly judge the situation you are in and give an unbiased suggestion for what you should do next.

Also, you might try getting involved in something active, or taking a new class, just anything to focus your energies on and distract you. Good luck, I know this is hard, but clearly you are very intelligent and capable of making the best out of this unpleasant situation. Good Luck!

Dear Candice,

My boyfriend for eight years broke up with me six months ago because I said some things to him that weren’t too nice. I realize I was mean and have apologized sincerely but he said I went to far, he can no longer take me and is insistent that its over. So here I am, after six months, still feeling completely terrible for what I’ve done and that I lost someone I so love, who has been part of my life for a long time, over some harsh words. How can I get over this feeling? How can I bounce back from a breakup… to feel happy and whole again? I also tried to see some other guys, but just didn’t work out. Any suggestions on how to cope and feel better? Or even any good ideas on how to make up with him to fix the situation? — Sophia

Dear Sophia,

Thank you for your letter, I know a lot of people who can relate to your situation, and that includes me. I know how it feels like to be in a long-term relationship then in a snap be single again… it’s like a total reboot. And it’s never easy to get back up, bounce back from a break up, and start over again.

Going out with someone to cover up the absence of your ex? I have had fair share of that. And yes, none of it worked. It’s because we feel rather “naked” when it comes to dating men. Often, there are too much problems and drama whenever two people break up and there’s a lot of issues that’s hard to deal with, making it hard for us to invest our feelings once again.

One thing I’ve learned from this is to never loose hope that everything will get better with time. Time heals all wounds, and it’s best to wait for that time, when you’re totally healed and recovered, before getting into a new relationship. Putting yourself together can be really hard. It may take more than six months or years to feel like “you are yourself again” and ready to date men once again.

After a break up, take some time to clear your thoughts and mend your heart. How? First, and the most effective, is to clear your room with all items that may remind you of him. Then spend time with your family and and friends. Do the things that you missed doing with them, have fun! If at the end of the day, you feel like you want to cry, then let yourself cry. I assure you, there will come a day that you won’t feel like crying anymore.

Another thing that you can do to bounce back up after a breakup is to find new hobbies. Go out in the sun and get busy! Discover places or learn new sports or volunteer for charitable cause. This will give you so much time to turn over a new leaf and become a much better person.

You see, there are so many things that you can do to move on after a break up. You don’t really have to rush back into a new relationship. Perhaps there’s no need for a new relationship. Sure, there are ways to have that magic of making up with your boyfriend. But first, you need to be yourself again.

Dear Candice,

I’ve been in a casual relationship for almost a year now, the relationship has been off and on. I’m aware he sees other people as do I. He is mature, divorced, and has 3 kids. We’ve developed a pattern in which we are cool for a few months and then have a huge fight, say mean things and stop talking for awhile and then it just picks right back up. Everything seemed to be going okay these last few months, but then something happened. He stopped calling me, not heard from him at all for 2 weeks. And then I got this message telling me he was sorry cos he’s out of reach and he’s spending a month vacation with a girl he met a few weeks ago… and he needs a break!!! Seriously??? A break from what? He already did!!! We don’t even have a friendship. I wouldn’t treat my friends like that. I really want to get over this, it’s just gone toxic, any advice? – Marie Gomez

Dear Marie,

Getting over a relationship can be very difficult and heartbreaking. Often times, when it comes to ending toxic relationships, half of your heart is telling you to stay away from your ex, while the other half wants to keep a close watch on his whereabouts. Definitely, you know what choice is good for you. Toxic relationships aren’t just bad, in other cases, they can be damaging as well.

Also, getting revenge may come to your mind or set up your own blog where you can rant and rave about your toxic relationship and how you feel about your boyfriend. Perhaps it’s a good way to let go of bad emotions and get some advice from those who would ever read your blog. But it’s, most of the time, just a waste of time and energy. Allowing people to show your out of control? Not a good idea. So what should you do to end a toxic relationship?

Get those tears out. Crying alone in your room could help, but you can surely do better than that. Get those tears out in a movie! Ask a friend or two to watch a movie with you and when the mushy part sets in, cry it all out. Your friends probably wouldn’t care if you cry even by just seeing two polar bears snuggling up, it is a mushy moment after all.

Never call him. Keep in mind that, this relationship was toxic. As much as you may yearn to hear his voice, think of the phone as a transmitter for those poisonous relationship toxins to seep back into your system. The longer you can go without dialing him up or seeing him face-to-face, the stronger you will grow.

Have a list of the good and the bad. Making a list helps you put the true nature of your relationship with your boyfriend into a more realistic standpoint. When you can actually point out all those bad and crazy things he did to you, you’ll realize that it’s far more reasonable to end your relationship and move on with your life without him. Score for the other half of your heart that tells you to stay away from your ex.

Have an outlet for your pent-up energy. If you are feeling stressed because of your relationship, it’s best to draw your attention to something that you love doing. Learn photography or anything you can enjoy that requires your creative mind working. Channel your emotions into activities, which can be meaningful to you. If you do so, you are not just helping your mind wander about something else, but it helps you see and understand your feelings more through what you create as well.

Talk it out. Have your good friends, sisters or any family member who care about what you feel. They are those people who are most willing to lend an ear and hear you, even your rants and raves, or just babbling about what the relationship used to be like.

Sadly, breakups will happen in one way or another, and whether we like it or not… but they are optional. Many of us may have to go through a number of breakups to be able to learn how to handle a romantic relationship. It’s not bad to feel sad and it’s definitely okay to dwell on your emotions. Just don’t beat yourself up much. If you are in a toxic relationship, sort things out if you can, if not, deal with it and move on.

I think about my ex boyfriend everyday we ahve been slpit up for 6 years now but we talk all the time. I think i still love him and i cant get him out of my mind, is it possible that he thinks about me the same way if i feel so strongly after all this time??

please help me — Kelly on May 26th, 2009 5:26 am

Hi Kelly,

Perhaps yes, perhaps not… you see, sometimes we tend to give meanings to the actions of the other, the way we want it to be, and based on what we feel towards them. It’s good that you still get to talk, but it’s been six years… for sure a lot has changed already. What you need is to move on, or in a more visual and definite in what it means, move forward. Now, let me be profound…

The lack of one, can be the worst part of any relationship. I have been there… alone in the room in the aftermath of a break up, thinking why and how my relationship went all downhill. At some point in my life, I have waited and wasted precious time trying to get some closure from an ex who wasn’t willing, if not, couldn’t afford to give it.

I’ve scoured almost all relationship books in hopes to find a way on how to deal with unexpected break up. But really, what I’ve learned came from experiences. It came from friends who was once left behind, confused and broken-hearted. Whether your break up has come quickly without warning or was a result of a prolonged and bitter struggle, here are some ways on how to move on after a breakup.

Play it cool. The first few months after a break up is usually spent, more likely, in explaining what went wrong to each and every friend of yours. Some would jump start talking trash about their exes, this is definitely not a way to deal with it. This will do nothing but harm to you and and your ex-boyfriend. It’s okay to say how you feel about it, but take some responsibility. Staying your lips tight will keep your name clear of drama.

Don’t play the victim. In the movies, women always tend to be wounded and helpless at the end of the relationship. A study was released by the American Psychological Association, stating that women are twice as likely to develop depression than men. For your own good, be strong and stay positive. Easier said than done? True, but feeling lonely and wishful thinking won’t take you a single step away from having a broken heart. Asking for sympathy just makes you more vulnerable. And the more vulnerable you are, the more you are to make bad decisions.

Work on you. After a break up we tend to wallow in our sorrows. It’s not bad, more so needed, for a certain period of time. You need to do your very best to get yourself together, stand up, and make your mum proud. Pamper yourself and live well. As Spock would always say, with split-finger: “Live long and prosper.”

Refocus your life. Like any other problems in life… after all the wallowing, you need to refocus your life. Take a deep breath and set your priorities… your family, friends, career and yourself. If you feel you need some counseling, perhaps attend a retreat, do so. It will give you a lot of time to think things over, until you can finally sleep soundly.

Break ups are optional. Many people break up and then they make up. The relationship became strong relationships, the second time around. It’s true, my own relationship is one living proof. Break ups are optional when you have the right information. Do you really want the relationship back? If so, there are ways, you just have to make it happen.

Moving on has stages and the journey to it is different for everyone. Some may race through stages that take others an age to pass through and some may choose to take the road less traveled. Asking why, how and what if — the plague of those kind of questions is certainly not the key to getting the closure you need and moving on after a break up.

Dear Candice,

I know it’s over. But how come it is hard to face that fact? Shall I get him back or not? I understand that you’ve been through all these, but what and how exactly? How did you get your ex back? – Chona

Dear Chona,

In a relationship one of the hardest things to deal with is breaking up. It is as hard as breaking a crystal because you’ll never know when you will be able to pick up the pieces again. Crazy this thing called LOVE… it feels good when it obeys and it cunningly hurts when it breaks.

However, no matter how hurting you are, you will need to find a way to survive that break up. I’ve been in the situation too, and fighting against the anguish caused by the break up was never so easy. Until I’ve learned that there’s a perfect way to forget bad memories, think no more of my painful experience and finally get rid of pain.

In breaking up, sorrows come not as a single spy, but in battalion. It seems that everywhere we go, everything we do, and every blink of our eyes always reminds of our exes. Funny how the whole world becomes depopulated when only one person has gone, right? It is really hard for me to remove reminders of our relationship. But, I’ve come to realize that keeping bad memories can do nothing but shatter a peaceful moment of my life.

It is hard to accept a break up, because at the beginning and in the end of a relationship we are embarrassed to find ourselves alone. At some point, I couldn’t tell my friends that I no longer have my boyfriend. It’s really hard to accept that the once perfect dawn has turned already into dusk. Fortunately, I stumbled on a page that has changed my life full throttle. The page that says: “Breaking up is not necessarily forever… break ups are optional” And that is a fact. In an instant I was able to understand why it is hard for me to let go of the pain. I was able to see the light.

Time heals all wounds, as most people would say. I used to believe that only time can heal a broken heart. There was a time that every night when I face the mirror, I need to affirm to my self: “It will pass.. it will pass… it will pass….” But who am I kidding? The more I wait the more pain and bad memories I accumulate. It was not healthy. So I’ve cleared my mind, decided and put forth efforts to get my boyfriend back.