Control Issues In Toxic Relationships

August 25, 2009 | 1 Comment

Dear Candice,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and now that I look back on it I feel that I’ve apologized for way more than I should have as most of the time. I don’t understand my boyfriend most of the time, he goes through different moods and I always feel like I have to do exactly what he says or he will shout at me and say bad things about me, even in front of our friends. Then I have to apologize because I’ve made him angry. Last time we had this petty fight, he said I’ve made him feel he is a bad boyfriend and I should apologize for making him feel that way. And this just keeps on and on… why should I apologize for everything!???? This is to toxic, don’t you think?? — Clare

Dear Clare,

If not all, most toxic relationships, have control issues. Clearly, your boyfriend is trying to control you by insisting how you should act and by saying bad things about you in front of others. In my last article, I covered the manifestations of toxic relationships, and what you’ve been experiencing are clues that you’re in one right now. There are so many ways a boyfriend can be controlling, which can range from name calling, putting you down in front of friends, family and relatives, and treating you in arrogant ways. Such behaviors should not exist in a loving relationship. Here are some control issues in toxic relationships:

Jealousy. This is almost always present in toxic relationships. Often, a partner will try to make you believe that it is plainly because he loves you that much. Truth is, jealousy is a sign of insecurity, nothing else. It may lead to accusing one has other affairs or being unfaithful.

Self-centeredness. This behavior can be seen even in most simplest actions of your boyfriend. For example, if your on a trip with your boyfriend and he won’t let you use a closet in your bedroom, instead let you use a closet in another room, you should be worried. It’s a sign that he has concern only for himself.

Restricting your spending. There’s no problem in monitoring purchases, it becomes a problem when your partner starts to control what you buy and counts how much money you spend. If your partner gets angry and yells at you for a purchase, you must be alarmed. Especially, if you purchased drinking glasses and a shower curtain, and he raged at me because he’d expected to choose those items himself.

Throwing accusations and criticisms. Be very afraid when your partner starts to throw accusations at you and criticize you, that even your neighbor can hear. Losing your confidence and self-worth is a manifestation that you’re in a toxic relationship. If you let him, there will come a time that you can’t even decide whether to discard old food or not from your fridge, because you fear that a blow up is about to happen when you mistakenly toss something that your partner still want to eat.

“A good life depends on good performance.” Most of us live by to that adage. That if you live to please others and work hard to offend no one… you are creating and bound to get a wonderful life. Let’s face it, not all story ends up that way. But one thing is certain… you always have a choice. A choice to let go and move forward. Letting someone disrespect you and selling yourself short aren’t the ways to have a wonderful life.

Whenever you start to notice you are feeling incompetent and dismissed a lot, take action. Perhaps what you all need is a quality time together, or a relationship counseling from someone you both trust. Controlling behavior surely finds expression in so many ways, but, it is always meant to take your right to choose out and replace it with demands. This manifestations will render you powerless and horridly dependent, if you let it continue.

Posted by Candice | Filed Under Problems in Relationship

Issues of Jealousy and Trust — “Half of me loves You, and Half of me wants to get out…”

June 8, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Dear Candice,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 months. Recently, I was really upset, but also not quite ready to end things. I’m jealous over his girl friend and I ended up saying the exact line, “Half of me loves you, and half of me wants to get out. I’m just confused, but I don’t want to get hurt anymore.” Then I hang up on him and haven’t heard from him for almost a week now. Think I got him confused too that he needs some time off, so I decided not to get in touch with him for a while. I feel bad too that I’m having mixed feelings about him. Is it over for us? If you were in the situation, what would you do? — Rochel

Dear Rochel,

It’s inevitable in any relationship, the issue of jealousy and trust, that is. Perhaps you feel that it has come too soon, for you’ve only been dating for two months. But strong feelings bring all your emotional nerve endings to the surface, which makes suspicions that much more intense.

In all relationship, jealousy happens. It’s human nature to get jealous in order to protect what belongs to us. In fact, every person in a relationship have had experienced jealousy, at one point or another. It’s the number one reason why couples argue or break up. But if you want to, you can overcome jealousy and can keep your relationship even more healthy.

Is it over for you? From the way I see it, I think the relationship can be saved. However it will require you to do two things first. Look back and commit.

Look back into your expectations about trust and having a relationship. People have different expectations about trust. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always just turn out that “you only fall in love with people who share your views on trust.” You and your boyfriend might have different expectations about trust. It doesn’t make either one of you right or wrong. It simply makes you different from one another. If you think you can’t handle each others expectations, better call it quits. Same advice if you both expect nothing from each other at all, your relationship will just be miserable in the end.

Commit to yourself that you will be fair and will ignore little stuff. These are the things you must do to overcome your issues of jealousy and trust. You must be fair. Try to put yourself in his shoes. I’m pretty sure you’ll be irritated if he gets jealous and get mad at you for spending time with a guy friend. You must ignore and don’t have to get jealous over every little thing. Have the confidence about yourself and your relationship.

Love alone is a work, more so if you want to share it with another person. You both have to make efforts to have a great relationship that you want. One effort to make is to resolve the issues of jealousy and trust, if you don’t you can just go on and off, but that would be so tiresome. Still, here’s a piece of advice, let go when you’re hurting too much, give up when love isn’t enough and move on… when things aren’t like before.

Posted by Candice | Filed Under Problems in Relationship, Relationship

Manifestations That You’re In A Toxic Relationship You Didn’t Know – Until Now

May 8, 2009 | 5 Comments

Dear Candice,

I’ve been to a really rough relationship, it was toxic, really unhealthy that my partner turned to an abusive one. I really want to avoid that kind of relationship, I don’t want to be in the same scenario ever again. I am now exclusively dating someone, what are the red flags of a potentially abusive or toxic relationship that I should watch? — Noreen

Dear Noreen,

Many people suffer from an unhealthy relationship. More often than not, if you are in the middle of a toxic relationship, you are too preoccupied to see how detrimental the relationship is for you and your boyfriend’s self-respect. Other people may ask you why choose to stay in the relationship and that your boyfriend is not good for you. Sometimes, you feel your boyfriend loves you, convinced that disagreements do happen in a relationship. However, most of the time, you feel down for being neglected and you can’t seem to understand what’s going on.

You can tell that you’re in a toxic relationship if:

Your partner puts you down (verbally) in front of other.
While your partner says they love you, their actions don’t back it up.
Your thoughts, opinions, accomplishments, or words are devalued.
Your partner tries to make you dependent on them.
Your partner makes you feel unattractive or stupid that you have changed things about yourself to please them.

Being around with toxic people is really not a good feeling, so how one can possibly stay in a toxic relationship? How can one choose to stay with someone who’s abusive and does nothing but harm, physically or emotionally?

Like any other problems in life, a toxic relationship has a cycle. First stage, the honeymoon period, then tensions build up… blow up, then agree for a recon and then over again. One has to put an end to it, if not, bad things will happen over and over again that makes it more difficult to get out.

People who grew up in toxic homes tend to have more patience to stay in a toxic relationship. Physical and emotional harm are normal to them, that they tend to imitate the actions done by an abused parent or sibling, without even realizing they’re doing it. What’s more disturbing is that they believe they deserve to be hurt and that no one will ever accept them again because of their past.

What they must realize is they do have a choice, so they can get out and stay out of toxic relationships. Low self-esteem, depression and desperation are the tendencies for people who stay in such relationship. They do need something to encourage them to stand up and get their life back. They must realize that it’s not their fault and they have a choice to walk away and live a better life.

For some people, joining therapy groups works to redefine and move away from these terrible relationships. There are some people who were able to maneuver the situation, put an end to the vicious cycle of toxic relationships, and form a new and far more healthier bond. This can happen to you, all you have to do is to make a choice.

On the other hand, some were able to patch the things up and stay in the relationship. It’s true that most relationships can be saved, it takes a little space though, and an ample time to heal. It sometimes needs counseling. To be able to renew the bonds in a healthy way, both should make an effort. Both must decide, do they want to renew what they have and improve it or walk away.

Liberating oneself from the dependency is they key to start asserting what you need from the connection. Do not put the blame to the other. Instead say “I need your support,” “I need your love,” or “I need your truthful opinion.” If the other person is not responsive, you should be prepared to walk and move on with your life.

A healthy relationship is a two way street. A two way street doesn’t exist in a toxic relationship. We all do have the strength to put an end to it, all we have to do is to put that strength into our hands.

Companion? Yes, that we all need. However we should not sell ourselves short and let someone disrespects us. We all have cravings for companionship, but its not worth staying in toxic relationships, lowering our standards of what love is supposed to be.

Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Problems in Relationship

There Was No Big Secret To Understanding Women

April 27, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Dear Candice,

I’ve been reading your blog and I think that you’re the best person to ask since you talk about women mostly. I’m nice, outgoing, down to earth, Always told that I am hilarious. I make plans for nice days. Go hiking, camping, to the beach, whatever I can think of. I try to hang out with everyone, especially women, and I try to make sure that we all are having a good time. But still, why am I having such a hard time finding a girlfriend? Maybe because I’m having a hard time understanding women too? I don’t understand why they always decorate their workspace with so many candles and they never even burn them, things like that. — Tyrone

Dear Tyrone,

Men do mingle, party and chat with women in hopes to understand and learn more about them. Socializing can be a good way for sure, but understanding women is simply not just a matter of mingling with them effectively. A very strange thing to say but true that many men, even the smart ones, do have trouble understanding women. Because men often think that women do have different communications styles. Some also think that women came from another planet.

I am often asked by male friends why it can sometimes be embarrassingly awkward talking to ladies they find attractive. They would also ask what women want, how to get them to like someone. Questions they really need to be answered in order to understand women. I sometimes couldn’t answer easily. It was like their problems understanding women were so deep that they needed someone to explain it bullets by bullets.

One of my male friends got one of those “how to get the women you want” self-help books. He reads it page by page, and tries to apply every bit of advice he can find. He would always go out in hopes to meet single ladies in bars, and try to get as much phone numbers as he possibly can. He didn’t get any luck and it was a bit odd for him at first. But when he was getting up the task, ladies get to relate to him and its always effortless for him understanding women.

However, that friend of mine couldn’t get to a romantic relationship still. Sure, he was able to attract women, but not for long. It didn’t last even for a month.

So he came back to me asking questions again. At this time, I told him just a couple of things. First, there was no big secret to understanding women. Second, women want to be treated as individuals, just like men. From then on he was no longer a slimy guy I used to know. They way he interacts with ladies changed. I’m pretty sure there was some breakthrough there, those two things are the things I knew he wanted and needed to hear at some point. Hope you get to have the same breakthrough after reading this.

Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Problems in Relationship

Which of These 5 Challenging Behaviors Does Your Guy Exhibit?

March 27, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Conflict is something most people want to avoid, however others just can’t seem to let things go. In fact, some individuals are not happy until they’ve made a mountain out of a molehill. We can see challenging behavior patterns at work, at the grocery store, or at a friend’s house, and they can be a problem. What we all want is to go about our business in a peaceful, non-threatening way. But, how come there are people who thrive on challenging others, for reasons unknown? Let’s take a look at the five most common cases women are often complaining and what you can do to deflect such behaviors, with a positive outcome.

Dear Candice,

My boyfriend is very arrogant and over confident. I do find confidence attractive though, but he’s too much. I’ve told him that his bragging puts me off a bit, but he still keeps bragging. How can i get this thing over? — Annabelle

Arrogance is the behavior of choice for insecure people. Such people must demonstrate their superiority in order to maintain a sense of adequacy. Next time your boyfriend brags about anything, you might want to brag to brag back. Though, this challenging behavior requires both firmness and finesse. Just keep on correcting him and be firm on what you stand for. It’s also best to try to spot a time when he is being nice, immediately give him props for that.

Dear Candice,

I recently got back together with my boyfriend, and noticed something is different. He became selfish, setting new rules to our relationship, which I think all in favor of him. He can go out with his friends alone (without me), but I cannot. How can I fix this? — Allyson

Selfishness is the earmark of the narcissistic personality. Selfish people are only interested in their own satisfaction. If your guy is being selfish, you must reprimand him during that very instance, not after a day or two. You must make him aware the he possesses this challenging behavior, and this act of trying to control you will not do any good to your relationship.

Dear Candice,

My boyfriend is getting more aggressive and violent, what can I do? – Gabrielli

Aggressive and hostile behavior is rampant in the world today. This is one of the most challenging behavior patterns. Unfounded accusations, hostile acts and aggressive violent acts can be most dangerous. If your boyfriend is more aggressive or badder than ever, you must set some time off, but make your exit as gracefully as possible. Here, discretion is indeed the better part of valor.

Dear Candice,

My boyfriend has been kind of grouchy and being manipulative, he’s just been shutting me down lately. I tried to draw him out to find out what exactly it is he’s pissed at me about, but he got really angry and started twisting my words around. It seems that I can’t say anything tight, there are a lot of accusations. He’ll take it even simple things out of context and blow it up into something huge. What can I do? – Tameka

Manipulative personalities present a special kind of challenge. These people lead you down the primrose path. What starts off as a seemingly innocent discussion turns into an ‘I told you so’ conversation. This challenging behavior pattern is a no-win. If you once recognize the manipulative personality, your best bet is to get out of the way and move on. Don’t let your boyfriend play this behavior on you, at your expense.

My boyfriend did something that was somewhat inconsiderate. He’s really being a control freak lately. What can I do? — Selena

Being a control freak is a sure sign of an insecure individual who, in order to gain a modicum of personal security, must exercise control over others. Such a person usually uses personal relationships, under cover of friendship or romantic involvement. I want to be straightforward, there is not a remedy for this type of relationship. The solution? Get out.

In the course of our everyday interactions with people, we are sure to meet people with such challenging behavior patterns. Often, we are caught unaware, even if we’ve been with the person for a period of time. Unless you’re quick on your feet, you may find an adequate response beyond your capabilities. Life is too short to waste time trying to rectify all of the world’s ills. Stay positive and just dust your feet off as necessary.

Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Problems in Relationship, Relationship

Control Issues In Toxic Relationships

Issues of Jealousy and Trust — “Half of me loves You, and Half of me wants to get out…”

Manifestations That You’re In A Toxic Relationship You Didn’t Know – Until Now

There Was No Big Secret To Understanding Women

Which of These 5 Challenging Behaviors Does Your Guy Exhibit?

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