Which of These 5 Challenging Behaviors Does Your Guy Exhibit?

March 27, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Conflict is something most people want to avoid, however others just can’t seem to let things go. In fact, some individuals are not happy until they’ve made a mountain out of a molehill. We can see challenging behavior patterns at work, at the grocery store, or at a friend’s house, and they can be a problem. What we all want is to go about our business in a peaceful, non-threatening way. But, how come there are people who thrive on challenging others, for reasons unknown? Let’s take a look at the five most common cases women are often complaining and what you can do to deflect such behaviors, with a positive outcome.

Dear Candice,

My boyfriend is very arrogant and over confident. I do find confidence attractive though, but he’s too much. I’ve told him that his bragging puts me off a bit, but he still keeps bragging. How can i get this thing over? — Annabelle

Arrogance is the behavior of choice for insecure people. Such people must demonstrate their superiority in order to maintain a sense of adequacy. Next time your boyfriend brags about anything, you might want to brag to brag back. Though, this challenging behavior requires both firmness and finesse. Just keep on correcting him and be firm on what you stand for. It’s also best to try to spot a time when he is being nice, immediately give him props for that.

Dear Candice,

I recently got back together with my boyfriend, and noticed something is different. He became selfish, setting new rules to our relationship, which I think all in favor of him. He can go out with his friends alone (without me), but I cannot. How can I fix this? — Allyson

Selfishness is the earmark of the narcissistic personality. Selfish people are only interested in their own satisfaction. If your guy is being selfish, you must reprimand him during that very instance, not after a day or two. You must make him aware the he possesses this challenging behavior, and this act of trying to control you will not do any good to your relationship.

Dear Candice,

My boyfriend is getting more aggressive and violent, what can I do? – Gabrielli

Aggressive and hostile behavior is rampant in the world today. This is one of the most challenging behavior patterns. Unfounded accusations, hostile acts and aggressive violent acts can be most dangerous. If your boyfriend is more aggressive or badder than ever, you must set some time off, but make your exit as gracefully as possible. Here, discretion is indeed the better part of valor.

Dear Candice,

My boyfriend has been kind of grouchy and being manipulative, he’s just been shutting me down lately. I tried to draw him out to find out what exactly it is he’s pissed at me about, but he got really angry and started twisting my words around. It seems that I can’t say anything tight, there are a lot of accusations. He’ll take it even simple things out of context and blow it up into something huge. What can I do? – Tameka

Manipulative personalities present a special kind of challenge. These people lead you down the primrose path. What starts off as a seemingly innocent discussion turns into an ‘I told you so’ conversation. This challenging behavior pattern is a no-win. If you once recognize the manipulative personality, your best bet is to get out of the way and move on. Don’t let your boyfriend play this behavior on you, at your expense.

My boyfriend did something that was somewhat inconsiderate. He’s really being a control freak lately. What can I do? — Selena

Being a control freak is a sure sign of an insecure individual who, in order to gain a modicum of personal security, must exercise control over others. Such a person usually uses personal relationships, under cover of friendship or romantic involvement. I want to be straightforward, there is not a remedy for this type of relationship. The solution? Get out.

In the course of our everyday interactions with people, we are sure to meet people with such challenging behavior patterns. Often, we are caught unaware, even if we’ve been with the person for a period of time. Unless you’re quick on your feet, you may find an adequate response beyond your capabilities. Life is too short to waste time trying to rectify all of the world’s ills. Stay positive and just dust your feet off as necessary.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Problems in Relationship, Relationship 

Relationship Therapy Can Bring Your Relationship Right Back Around

March 17, 2009 | 1 Comment

Dear Candice,

Me and my boyfriend have been together for five years, and things were really tough lately. We used to talk about all our misunderstandings, but now he doesn’t seem to care fixing one at all. Will it be better to end the relationship now? — Sara Stephens

Dear Sara,

When things are tough, it is not always the best idea to give up and move on. Many relationships are worth saving if you only wish to do it. You surely can take something that seems hopeless and turn it into something more amazing. That’s how amazing relationship therapy can do to your relationship right now. Yes, relationships of all types are hard. That is something that you already know. And each type can be equally trying whether you are talking about romantic or family relationships.

For family relationships, you can see a counselor that is going to work on relationship therapy with each member of the family, and then the family as a whole. This does not have to be limited to the members of your family that live in your home. If you have always had a great relationship with your Aunt Sue, but suddenly you can not get over something that happened, relationship therapy can work very well if you really care about saving that relationship. It’s easier to have someone from the outside help resolve issues.

One of the more common reasons why families go into relationship therapy is because they are having problems with teenagers. The teen years are hard to get through, and everyone knows that. At times, parents need help when their teenagers are having an especially hard time relating with not just them, but with everyone that they have in their lives. There is also relationship therapy that can work as a preventative measure so that things never quite get out of hand. That allows families to work things out more quickly because they already know what to do when problems start.

The reason why I’m telling you how relationship therapy can resolve family issues, is to give you a better idea on how it could work on your romantic relationship. You weren’t the only person who thought of giving up when the situation gets tough or that “mind-blowing novelty factor” you and your partner used to have during your first few years in the relationship, is starting to disappear.

Romantic relationships are probably the trickiest of all. It doesn’t matter if a couple is married or about to be married, they can always count on relationship therapy when they are having problems. Many give up too soon on what was otherwise a very stable and love filled relationship when things get tough. The problems they are facing are often easier to overcome than they think. When in pain, people simply want to retreat. What they may not realize is that relationship therapy can bring that relationship right back around and they will be thankful that they stuck it out.

Let your relationship undergo therapy, this is a serious consideration you must take before ending it. You do want to go out knowing that you gave it everything you had before you decided that it is something that is simply over. If you don’t, you could go through the next few years, or even throughout the rest of your life, wondering if you made the right choice. If you give it all you have, and go through relationship therapy, you will know without a doubt that you have made the right choice if you do choose to end that relationship.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Problems in Relationship, Relationship 

Communication Problems in Relationships That Can Be Fixed

March 13, 2009 | 3 Comments

Dear Candice

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now. The first two years were great, I’m patient with him and he’s patient with me. But the last few months weren’t good. We always argue on different things. And he’s being forceful of what he think is right. I feel so disconnected with him right now but I really want to make things work and save the relationship. Please help.  – Deonna Rois

Dear Deonna,

Good communication skills can make your relationship work well and stay strong. However, like your relationship, about every relationship has its ups and downs, usually one or both do not know how to communicate well. In life, you have to weather financial stresses… life events and health problems, as best as you’re able. While these problems are often cited as major reasons for divorce, communication problems in relationships are often the root cause. If you’re not communicating effectively, it’s almost guaranteed that you’ll experience a distancing from your partner over time.

Here, we take a look at five of the most common communication problems in relationships and what you can do about them to get you back on track.

Making the effort to restore good two-way conversations. This communication problem is most common in long term relationships. You’ve doubtless heard it said that, over time, your partner can anticipate your response in a conversation before you ever speak. Unless you are willing to really listen to your partner, uninterrupted, the not-listening syndrome takes hold. This isn’t necessarily a one sided deal. Sometimes both people begin to talk over each other, while in other cases, one person talks and does not invite any response. Making the effort to restore good two-way conversations, with thought given to what each person’s point is can go a long way towards eliminating communication problems in relationships.

Re-prioritize, reorganize or redistribute. Most of us conduct very busy lives, with very little time left over for quality time spent with your mate. If all, or much of your communications consist of conversations on problems, this can wear thin. Re-prioritize, reorganize or redistribute necessary tasks such that you gain even an hour each day together, spent talking about more positive topics or just kicking back together. It’s obvious that if most communications between you are of a negative nature, you’re generating a negative environment, which doesn’t bode well for your relationship.

Avoid the guilt trips. Another major culprit in the lineup of communication problems in relationships is using guilt trips to get your way. This is far more common than you might think. For example, your spouse has jumped on your case for spending money on something deemed to be frivolous. Perhaps it was a frivolous purchase. If you respond with a remark that digs into the past, detailing some mistake your spouse made, this is not productive. You are really just putting a guilt trip on your partner in order to avoid your own mistake.

Don’t get into blame games. Somewhat similar to guilt trips, blame games differ in that usually only one of you is playing the game. This is pure arrogance and is often used by a controlling personality. It serves two, not very admirable and certainly counterproductive purposes. The person who’s into the blame game then can feel righteous and in charge, while the person who is blamed for everything feels resentful and suffers, eventually, a loss of confidence and an unhappy mood. This leads to inserting attitudes and guilt trips. If this type of communication problem starts becoming the norm, it’s time for a serious sit down.

Step back. When a conversation starts going sour, take a step back. Take a time out and calm down before continuing the conversation. Indulging in attitudes takes a conversation nowhere good. Be a fly on the wall and check out each of your attitudes. Is your attitude confrontational? Irrational and angry? A bad attitude can contribute greatly to ongoing, habitual communication problems in relationships. Try to be objective. If you realize you’re just angry and have a bad attitude, you’re just fueling the fire.

Communication problems in relationships are fixable. You’re the only person who can tell which of the examples here may apply to you. One thing is certain…. despite all the ups and downs life throws on your plate, when communication is done in a mutual effort, you’ll both be much happier.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Problems in Relationship, Relationship 

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