Love is a Choice… an Ongoing and a Conscious Choice You Make Everyday

June 29, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Love is a choice you make every day of your life. In fact, what you think you feel is actually something you choose to feel. You make a choice to feel a certain way or not. That’s how you choose to control your emotions. This is true in most areas of life. In choosing to feel love, you need to choose sensibly because falling in love is not something you choose not to feel after a relationship went downhill. Love is a choice, an ongoing and a conscious choice, you make each and every day of your life.

Love is a choice. And you can never confuse “love” with the feeling of being “in love.” This is one of the most important lesson you can ever get in the midst of being and staying in love. I’m sure you, just like me, those who have experienced to be loved and lost a love, can all attest to that. Here’s an excerpt from the novel “Midwinter Turns to Spring,” on the subject of love being a choice:

“Love is not just a feeling. It’s a choice, a commitment, a way of behaving toward another. Love is not simply an event that happens to you. Rather, love is something you choose to do. The state of being in love is simply a prelude to love. But most people make the mistake of thinking they’re one and the same thing. We are all given circumstances by which we can exercise the choice to love. That’s the thunderbolt that God supplies. It’s that instant attraction to another person, those warm, fuzzy feelings, that fever akin to drunkenness or madness that causes you to know that you’re in love. But it’s what you choose to do after that thunderbolt has passed that matters. You choose whether you’re going to continue loving the other person after the drunkenness has dissipated, after the frills of romance have fallen away. You choose whether you’re going to continue to seek the best interests of the other person, and care about him or her through any and all circumstances — and for how long. Love is a conscious choice.”

Love is a choice. When you wake up in the morning and think about the one you love, you say to yourself “I choose to love this person today and every day of my life,” regardless of his imperfections. In a relationship that isn’t working, you choose to put an end to it. After that, given an ample time to recover, you also choose to get involved with someone who’s like-minded. At the beginning of a potential great relationship you make a choice to spend time to that person to have a glimpse of what can develop. You celebrate the fact that once again, you get to love a person and get to be loved the same way in return.

Many people believe that love is something that simply occurs and happens unexpectedly. But as the relationship grows, the definition of love also grows. Love is both a noun and a verb. The noun part is the feeling you have when you think about the person first thing in the morning, ’till the end of the day. The verb part is the actions you take for feeling that way. Your love for someone should be action oriented and consistent, in order for love to stay after many years together.

Many people allows romantic love, or feelings, to become the basis for relationship and happiness. But this kind of foundation is more likely to be unsturdy because you or your partner will later on seek new emotional highs as time goes by. A relationship based on just feelings and emotions are fickle, more so the circumstances that give rise to them. Love is a choice, it isn’t born but made.

I have once lost my love and during those tough times of my relationship, I have managed to make a choice. I’ve made a choice to get him back and stay with him. The choice that I still rejoice until now. Love is true when you get to choose one person above all, and you get to celebrate that choice for as long as you live. That’s the personal adage I and my partner live by everyday.

There will always be times you feel you love your partner less today than yesterday. There will be times you could feel loved, and other times you don’t. You may also meet someone you think more ideal than the other. When these happen, would you still love him? Love is a choice. Isn’t it more empowering way to love and be loved?

Love is a choice. It’s either you let that love happen or move on without even letting a feeling of love to occur. When making a choice, sometimes you feel you just have to grab it because after all you deserve it. Other times you feel you need to put another’s needs before your own. Love is a choice… a choice to take action.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Relationship 

Issues of Jealousy and Trust — “Half of me loves You, and Half of me wants to get out…”

June 8, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Dear Candice,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 months. Recently, I was really upset, but also not quite ready to end things. I’m jealous over his girl friend and I ended up saying the exact line, “Half of me loves you, and half of me wants to get out. I’m just confused, but I don’t want to get hurt anymore.” Then I hang up on him and haven’t heard from him for almost a week now. Think I got him confused too that he needs some time off, so I decided not to get in touch with him for a while. I feel bad too that I’m having mixed feelings about him. Is it over for us? If you were in the situation, what would you do? — Rochel

Dear Rochel,

It’s inevitable in any relationship, the issue of jealousy and trust, that is. Perhaps you feel that it has come too soon, for you’ve only been dating for two months. But strong feelings bring all your emotional nerve endings to the surface, which makes suspicions that much more intense.

In all relationship, jealousy happens. It’s human nature to get jealous in order to protect what belongs to us. In fact, every person in a relationship have had experienced jealousy, at one point or another. It’s the number one reason why couples argue or break up. But if you want to, you can overcome jealousy and can keep your relationship even more healthy.

Is it over for you? From the way I see it, I think the relationship can be saved. However it will require you to do two things first. Look back and commit.

Look back into your expectations about trust and having a relationship. People have different expectations about trust. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always just turn out that “you only fall in love with people who share your views on trust.” You and your boyfriend might have different expectations about trust. It doesn’t make either one of you right or wrong. It simply makes you different from one another. If you think you can’t handle each others expectations, better call it quits. Same advice if you both expect nothing from each other at all, your relationship will just be miserable in the end.

Commit to yourself that you will be fair and will ignore little stuff. These are the things you must do to overcome your issues of jealousy and trust. You must be fair. Try to put yourself in his shoes. I’m pretty sure you’ll be irritated if he gets jealous and get mad at you for spending time with a guy friend. You must ignore and don’t have to get jealous over every little thing. Have the confidence about yourself and your relationship.

Love alone is a work, more so if you want to share it with another person. You both have to make efforts to have a great relationship that you want. One effort to make is to resolve the issues of jealousy and trust, if you don’t you can just go on and off, but that would be so tiresome. Still, here’s a piece of advice, let go when you’re hurting too much, give up when love isn’t enough and move on… when things aren’t like before.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Problems in Relationship, Relationship 

Does It Make Sense To Seek Advice From Relationship Experts?

April 14, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Dear Candice,

I have a friend who is a therapist that specializes in relationships. She handles family and even work relationships, but the majority of her clients are there usually to seek for romantic relationship advice. I’ve known her for four years, and seen her jump into one relationship to another. And every relationship was pretty much a mess, continuously making mistakes that should be obvious to her. Which made me wonder… how does relationship experts or therapist really work and why they are valuable? Does it really make sense to seek advice from relationship experts? — Laurie Luce

Dear Laurie Luce,

Let me start by telling you the five basic principles for a relationship expert or therapist. First, to provide a confidential dialogue between those involved, which can normalize feelings. Second, to provide a mirror of expertise to reflect the relationship’s hardships, and the potential and direction for change. Third, to enable both parties to listen to themselves and hear each other out. Fourth, to deliver relevant and appropriate details about the relationship’s situation. Lastly, to empower the relationship and make vital decisions.

Your friend is just one of the many, and I’ve seen and discussed with a lot of great relationship experts and it’s safe to say that they have touched my life and continuously touching other people’s lives.

Relationship experts are not going to tell you how to run your relationship. Their duty and function is to listen, respect, understand and provide better functioning between those involved. Truth is, they don’t have all the answers, and they cannot exactly tell you what to do in your own marriage or partnership. They are not all seeing and all knowing. What they do is get couples to open up to each other, and to really communicate with each other. At times, it takes someone else to bring out the problems that even the couple is not aware of before they go into therapy, a relationship expert can be that someone. They then give couples the tools to talk to each other and ways to work out their problems on their own.

That explained why your friend was having problems in her own relationship. She doesn’t have the answers, and no other relationship experts do. They just know how to get others to work things out. Sometimes, it’s difficult for you to view objectively, especially when it comes to your own problems. You tend to save yourself first, rather than saving the relationship. Your friend is valuable to so many for what she can do for them, but this is one thing that she cannot do for herself because she is just too deeply involved, and the relationship is entirely too personal.

Does it make sense to seek advice from relationship experts? Yes, definitely! If you think you need help with your own marriage, you should consider finding some relationship experts to help you out. Keep in mind, they are not going to fix your problems, but rather, show you what your problems are and then they will give you the tools you need to fix them on your own.

What is important is to find the right relationship expert that is best for you and your spouse, it may take a while though, , but you should not feel bad about that. This does not mean your relationship is completely doomed, this just means you haven’t found the therapist that is a good match for you. As soon as you found one, get involved and allow the experts help you.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Relationship 

Which of These 5 Challenging Behaviors Does Your Guy Exhibit?

March 27, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Conflict is something most people want to avoid, however others just can’t seem to let things go. In fact, some individuals are not happy until they’ve made a mountain out of a molehill. We can see challenging behavior patterns at work, at the grocery store, or at a friend’s house, and they can be a problem. What we all want is to go about our business in a peaceful, non-threatening way. But, how come there are people who thrive on challenging others, for reasons unknown? Let’s take a look at the five most common cases women are often complaining and what you can do to deflect such behaviors, with a positive outcome.

Dear Candice,

My boyfriend is very arrogant and over confident. I do find confidence attractive though, but he’s too much. I’ve told him that his bragging puts me off a bit, but he still keeps bragging. How can i get this thing over? — Annabelle

Arrogance is the behavior of choice for insecure people. Such people must demonstrate their superiority in order to maintain a sense of adequacy. Next time your boyfriend brags about anything, you might want to brag to brag back. Though, this challenging behavior requires both firmness and finesse. Just keep on correcting him and be firm on what you stand for. It’s also best to try to spot a time when he is being nice, immediately give him props for that.

Dear Candice,

I recently got back together with my boyfriend, and noticed something is different. He became selfish, setting new rules to our relationship, which I think all in favor of him. He can go out with his friends alone (without me), but I cannot. How can I fix this? — Allyson

Selfishness is the earmark of the narcissistic personality. Selfish people are only interested in their own satisfaction. If your guy is being selfish, you must reprimand him during that very instance, not after a day or two. You must make him aware the he possesses this challenging behavior, and this act of trying to control you will not do any good to your relationship.

Dear Candice,

My boyfriend is getting more aggressive and violent, what can I do? – Gabrielli

Aggressive and hostile behavior is rampant in the world today. This is one of the most challenging behavior patterns. Unfounded accusations, hostile acts and aggressive violent acts can be most dangerous. If your boyfriend is more aggressive or badder than ever, you must set some time off, but make your exit as gracefully as possible. Here, discretion is indeed the better part of valor.

Dear Candice,

My boyfriend has been kind of grouchy and being manipulative, he’s just been shutting me down lately. I tried to draw him out to find out what exactly it is he’s pissed at me about, but he got really angry and started twisting my words around. It seems that I can’t say anything tight, there are a lot of accusations. He’ll take it even simple things out of context and blow it up into something huge. What can I do? – Tameka

Manipulative personalities present a special kind of challenge. These people lead you down the primrose path. What starts off as a seemingly innocent discussion turns into an ‘I told you so’ conversation. This challenging behavior pattern is a no-win. If you once recognize the manipulative personality, your best bet is to get out of the way and move on. Don’t let your boyfriend play this behavior on you, at your expense.

My boyfriend did something that was somewhat inconsiderate. He’s really being a control freak lately. What can I do? — Selena

Being a control freak is a sure sign of an insecure individual who, in order to gain a modicum of personal security, must exercise control over others. Such a person usually uses personal relationships, under cover of friendship or romantic involvement. I want to be straightforward, there is not a remedy for this type of relationship. The solution? Get out.

In the course of our everyday interactions with people, we are sure to meet people with such challenging behavior patterns. Often, we are caught unaware, even if we’ve been with the person for a period of time. Unless you’re quick on your feet, you may find an adequate response beyond your capabilities. Life is too short to waste time trying to rectify all of the world’s ills. Stay positive and just dust your feet off as necessary.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Problems in Relationship, Relationship 

How Can You Teach Your Kids About Couple Relationships

March 24, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Dear Candice,

I’ve been a single mom for six years now. I have two beautiful daughters. My eldest is turning 18 and the youngest is 16. And they are both starting to ask questions about relationships. Sometimes I don’t feel comfortable responding… I feel that I’m not the right person to be asked and give advice, because even my own relationship with their dad didn’t work out, and they have witnessed all the hardships that I’ve been through. I’m now in a new relationship and he wants me and my kids to move in with him. But I’m indecisive still, I don’t want my kids to see this as if it’s just a normal thing to be separated then live with another man after a few years. I don’t want them to see anymore misunderstandings and anymore failures in my relationship. Given the situation, how can I teach them about couple relationships? — Sofia Meininger (San Francisco, CA)

Dear Sofia,

How you act as a couple is going to be unique from any other couple relationships. No two people are the same, so no two relationships are ever going to be the same. Many single parents, like you, have to really think about bringing someone new into the home or in your case moving in with your new partner. It is going to have the same impact. Children are going to learn what they should and should not expect and put up with in couple relationships based on how you and your significant other treat each other. The pressure is really in you, good thing is… there are some basic things you can do.

Children are going to learn all about what couple relationships are based on their parents, more often than not, parents failed to realize this fact. You have to stop and think about what you are showing your children and what they are learning from it. If you think you’ve made a mistake before, that does not mean you are a bad parent. You just did not realize how much they really pick up and learn from you. They are going to have what you have in a relationship, so be picky. Your kids move through childhood to adulthood, while watching you, just like how they’ve learned how to walk, talk, and relate.

Don’t be a victim of your past, no matter how hard we try, we are bound to make mistakes.. and that’s what continuous learning is all about. Let’s say children have no place in couple relationships, in a way that should not be aware of adult problems that are too complex for them to handle. For example, if your spouse has cheated, or done something else that threatens the union, this can not be played out in front of them. Children are more aware of everything in couple relationships problems than you may think. And how they would handle relationship problems in the future will be based on how you did handle them. What you decide as alright is what they are going to think as alright. Better to keep them away from issues and details you know they cannot handle yet.

There is always going to be disagreements and fighting in couple relationships. It is impossible for two people to be with each other for any length of time and agree on everything. What you have to think about is how you fight things out. If you shout and throw things, your children are going to think that is how you are supposed to act when you disagree, and if they grow up and meet someone like that for their relationships, they are going to accept that as that is how things are supposed to be. Take your fighting where your children can not hear it, and learn to negotiate to eliminate at least most of that shouting.

Every parent wants to be a model for their children and to be a source of hope about relationship. If your relationship is having problems now, and you are afraid that your kids are going to experience the same, a good way to deal with these is to handle and solve the problems in a logical and a peaceful manner if at all possible. Don’t worry if you think that you have already done some damage in teaching your children about couple relationships. There is always time to turn that around by changing the way that you do things. If they have questions, answer them honestly and confidently.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Marriage, Relationship 

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