Toxic Relationship Signs
January 7, 2012 | Leave a Comment
Dear Candice,
How do you know when or if a relationship is toxic? What are the signs? How long does it typically take to figure it out? I mean, I know as you are just getting to know someone there will be questions, issues, speed bumps, etc….but at what point do you just realize things aren’t what they should be? ~ Amanda
Dear Amanda,
This is a really tricky question. Not only is this extremely difficult to answer because I don’t definitely know what you describe as “toxic”, but also because different people can handle different things, and need different things. To start off, I would just say as a blanket statement that if the relationship you are in (any kind) makes you feel any sort of uncomfortable ( HUGE range of emotions) for more than 20% of your time, then it is not worth it.
Being in a relationship is complicated but by definition you are expected to compromise on things that you want, this is a given and there is no way getting around it. The difficulty therein lies in how much and what you are compromising to be with this person. Any kind of physical or verbal abuse is unacceptable. This is not debatable, and there is no reason to “classify” what qualifies as verbal or physical abuse. If the person you are with makes you feel unsafe in any way, you need to let them go as soon as you can. I would argue that abuse is the highest level of “toxic”, and again, I have no idea what you consider toxic, or what you are personally going through, but this is true for everyone.
With that said, being in a so-called toxic relationship does not necessarily mean that there is any real significant clue that you can directly pinpoint. There may be as you said, speed bumps and disagreements that can add up to a bigger, insurmountable problem. I would suggest that the rule of thumb in any relationship you find yourself in, is asking yourself the right question, and answering yourself truthfully.
For example , if you have had the same fight for whatever reason more than three times, ask yourself what is the real problem that is stimulating the argument. Once you can clearly define the crux of the problem, the next step is to ask yourself how you would like to fix it. Identifying a solution is often difficult and unrewarding because once you have one, you need to discuss it with your partner. I am going to assume they do not like the plan you come up with, which brings you back to another question: Why don’t they like it? Identifying his needs in relation to yours is critical and necessary in every fight, disagreement, and argument. Understanding the driving forces in each other’s character is the only way to determine whether you can compromise or if you are in fact not that compatible. If you discover that what he wants is something you are really not willing to sacrifice, then I would say you have found yourself in an unhealthy, or “toxic”, relationship.
As for the length of time, I am sorry to tell you that there is no measurable statistics on this. You are your own person, learn to know what you can and will not do or tolerate. The best part of a relationship is not only getting to know someone else, but also getting to know yourself. Take this opportunity to discover what you want out of yourself, your life, and your partner, and be sure to clearly define what you are definitely not willing to give up, whether that is religion, certain foods, or shower privileges. Everyone is allowed to be themselves, and if you are with someone who is constantly trying to modify you, that is what I consider toxic.
Is My Boyfriend Losing Interest In Me?
December 28, 2011 | Leave a Comment
Dear Curtis,
I’ll leave out all the details but I feel like my boyfriend is losing interest in me a little bit and we’ve been arguing lately. How can I prevent this? We still exchange “I love you” and we see each other a lot, I just feel like he’s disappointed in how I am. Help??
I feel like this because he’s not as verbally affectionate and we’ve been arguing about things which I makes him feel annoyed at me. I’m annoyed with him at these times, as well, but being me… I’m always trying to accommodate and fix things. I feel like I put myself out there so much and he’s stubborn and it’s hard to come to an agreement at times. We basically have compromised by now but I still feel like I’m letting him down. ~ Tink
Dear Tink,
I’m not sure if this makes you feel any better, but what you and your boyfriend are currently going through is very common. Every relationship goes through phases, and you just happen to be in a “slump”, for lack of a better term. I know you feel like you both equally compromise to accommodate the other, maybe you do a little (or a lot) more of this than your guy, which is also quite typical in most relationships, but you might want to think about the reasons how you two fell into this slump, and try and figure out a way to get out of it.
Before you jump to the conclusion that your boyfriend is losing interest in you, consider that both of you have just been dating each other for a while and some of the initial excitement has worn off. This is bound to occur, and no one person is to blame for it. There are several things you can do alone and with the boyfriend to try and get that spark back!
Embark on an Adventure Together
1. A great way to remind each other how fun and attractive the other person really is, is to go out and experience new things. Planning new kinds of dates, taking a long weekend together, or if money is super tight, simply getting a neat recipe offline and cook yourselves a meal, together! Maybe make some group date nights with other couples, or plan a big excursion with all of your mutual friends! Spicing up your life does not necessarily mean trying something romantic or sexy, although that could definitely work. The point of this to remind each other that you are still a fun, interesting person, despite the fact that you now know each other’s secrets!
Warning!: This does not mean go out and experience new people individually, for example, neither of you should try to start dating other people. This not only puts a huge strain on your relationship, but achieves almost nothing constructive for you two as a couple.
Confront the Situation
2. If you are positive that something has dramatically changed your boyfriend’s affection level towards you, then you should openly confront him about that change. Confronting him does not mean being confrontational, on the contrary most men find that approach totally overwhelming and will therefore be uncooperative. Instead, when the two of you have a quiet minute alone, calmly ask him if anything is bothering him, specifically something you did. If he claims that you have nothing wrong, try and figure out what has happened that has affected him so much. If he later admits that you have hurt him in some way, you need to explain to him immediately that:
A. you’re sorry and did not mean to cause him pain and;
B. that passive aggressive behavior will not get him the results he wants.
Most men do not know how to communicate when something is wrong, and often punish their partner with silence or anger to express it. Obviously this does not help you discover the crux of the problem, and makes you feel helpless and frustrated. By getting him to discuss these things with you will hopefully alleviate some of the tension and avoid similar issues later on.
Note: From what you said in your letter, I do not think that your boyfriend is giving you the silent treatment, but I could be wrong. It really does seem most likely to me that the two of you have just grown too comfortable with each, and need to make a combined effort to interest each other again!
How To Fix Communication Problems In A Relationship
November 11, 2011 | Leave a Comment
Dear Candice,
Whenever my b/f and I row, and it comes to sorting it out, he says I should guess what is wrong with him and say sorry for what I have done, he said it is worrying that I don’t know what I have done (these are silly rows over silly things) and he will refuse to be nice and talk things through. I honestly sometimes don’t know what has upset him, which is why I normally ask. Sometimes he will ignore me for days until I say sorry. I admit at the time I do find it difficult to see what I have done wrong until we talk things through and he explains what has upset him.
Also when we row, he gets angry and refuses to compromise, even though I try my best to ask him to reach a solution together. He sees things very black and white and often says he can’t understand where I am coming from.
Is it unreasonable for him to say I should guess? ~ Rebecca
Dear Rebecca,
I think you already know the answer to your own question: “Is it unreasonable…”. Of course, this is unreasonable! For many reasons, in fact:
1. His lack of desire to want to communicate with you openly and honestly is a sign that he is not interested in anything you have to say. This does not mean he is not interested in having you for a girlfriend, but consider what that does suggest. He wants you, but does not want to listen to you. He has literally stopped the only constructive way a couple can work through their issues, which is inevitable in all relationships. By refusing to listen to you, or even allow an open communication channel, he has seriously restricted your relationship.
2. This demand that you should be all knowing and omniscient is beyond any human’s capacity. If everyone could immediately understand their partner, break ups would not exist. This puts all the responsibility of making the relationship continue to flow smoothly on you, with none on him. That’s a huge amount of work and pressure on you, something that should be equally worked on by both partners in all relationships. If he cannot make the effort to simply “talk” with you about what is bothering him, then I doubt he will be able to make any kind of serious effort when you two encounter the bigger issues that all couples face.
3. The denial to discuss his own feelings should alert you that he doesn’t know what his own feelings are. This does not sound very threatening, but if a person cannot aptly identify what they are feeling, or what is causing those feelings, then they cannot take the necessary steps to correct them. For example, forcing you to “guess” what is going on in his head allows you to identify the problem, and then you take the action to rectify it. But this equation obviously is totally unfair to you, and a sign that he needs to grow up!
4. The most disturbing aspect of this concerns how he views you as a woman, and as his “partner”. Now, I don’t know for sure how you feel about feminism, but I am assuming that you would like to have some basic rights in your life, your work, and your relationship. By controlling these aspects of your relationship, causing you so much stress and anxiety, your guy literally has all the power, which leaves you with none. You are a smart intelligent woman, so take it back. Either address this issue head on, and make him understand how fundamentally unethical and ridiculous it is for you to meet these demands, or find someone who would never ask you to do those things in the first place.
I know the idea of giving up on someone is ugly, especially when you’ve invested so much time into building the relationship. However, the investment that you made with him has not benefitted you if this is the current situation. You may have experienced beautiful and rewarding moments, even years, with your guy, but clearly that moment has passed and you need to recognize this is not healthy, and you deserve better.
Is Getting Back Together Again Worth It?
November 1, 2011 | Leave a Comment
Dear Candice,
I feel like my boyfriend is drifting away… was getting back together again worth it? my boyfriend and I are going out for over a year and a half but we broke up briefly for afew weeks at the beginning of the summer, as he thought the relationship was going nowhere and best to end. I see now he was right- at the time we were spending far too much time together, and we would bicker alot over the littlest things. i was heartbroken, but tried to move on and get over him. However about a month later he told me he had changed his mind, that he had made a mistake and he wanted to give it another shot. after alot of thinking and talking things through, afew more months down the line we’re now back together.
The problem I have is that I feel like iI’m investing so much more time and energy into our relationship than he is. It’s only for the last few weeks, since we’ve started college again that I’ve been feeling like this. its always me who contacts first, who wants to meet up etc, and I know if I decided to step back and just not make any effort to talk to him, he wouldnt even notice. we have stopped spending as much time together as we would have last year, which has helped us a good bit, but I would still like to see him every once in a while, or text at the weekends when we don’t see each other at all.
Don’t get me wrong, when we started seeing eachother again after the breakup, it was Him making all the contact and moves, and since we live far apart during the summer, it made me soften towards him again much quicker because I could see he was making a big effort to try make things between us work again.
I think deep down iIm wondering if his heart isn’t in it anymore, but I know he would tell me if that were the case. To be honest I just don’t feel loved or cared for any more, and that i am trying harder than i should have to. I’m just fed up now and want to be appreciated and to feel wanted. I love him and i will always care a great deal for him, but I really wish he could say to me that he feels the same way. I’ve tried bringing this up a few times but he either makes a joke out of it or says he’s just been a bit stressed at the time and its nothing.
Sorry for the long message, but any advice would be hugely appreciated. ~ Shannon
Dear Shannon,
First of all, I think it’s great that you care so much about this guy and that you’re happy to commit this kind of effort to a long distance relationship during your freshman year. The thing is, what you’re going through is one of the most common symptoms of a long distance relationship, and there are very little things you can do to solve it. However, some things you should think about:
1. I know you said that one of the issues stems from his lack of communication, while it feels like you are the only one constantly putting the effort into making time to talk. However, part of the problem here is that you are trying to maintain a level of connectedness that simply cannot be achieved through a long distance relationship. Part of enduring this terribly heart wrenching separation is allowing yourself to be independent apart from your partner, and allowing him to be independent from you. Even if you could hypothetically force each other to remain as close as you’d like (which you simply can’t, but let’s pretend) what you are actually really do is forcing each other to sacrifice that time in their own life. This is part of the deal you made when you decided to stay together over a long distance of space, to be apart but remain loyal.
2. Which brings me to number two: Ask yourself why it is so important for you to be in constant communication with him. A lot of the time people hone in on a specific aspect of the relationship (like lack of communication) because they are suspicious of something else that they are uncomfortable addressing. You explained that this is making you feel like his feelings for you have diminished over time, but when you confront him about that, he denies it. If he says no, give him the benefit of the doubt and believe him, especially since he made such an effort to get back together with you. Again, this is part of trusting him and adjusting your expectations about the kind of relationship you can have over long distance.
Now, I want to say that not everyone is the same. For some people, sharing a high level of communication equally works, and some long distance couples talk frequently for long periods of time. However, this should not concern or worry you to the point where you start to suspect your guy of suddenly being a bad boyfriend. Most guys just do not have the same expectations or fears as their female partners (obviously!). If it seems like you guys aren’t on the same page it’s because you probably aren’t, but why throw away a great book when you don’t like one chapter!
Also, just because I said give the guy a break does not mean you should let him get away with anything. Ignoring you multiple times, forgetting to call or video chat when you make dates is simply not okay with anyone, so it should not be acceptable with a partner.
3. So, how do you get back to the place you once were: a nice, cozy place? Well, I’m not sure that you do. I would say that the best advice I can give you is to adjust some of your expectations for him and for yourself. You shouldn’t have to put in that level of effort just to make something work. If it’s meant to be, there’s nothing to worry about, and it sounds like you guys really appreciate each other. Just remember that when you guys get together in person to try and focus on the positive aspects of being together, and don’t bring up all the issues that bother you about having a long distance relationship, unless something really serious comes up.
Feeling neglected and ignored is never fun, and this is the most common problem that arises with long distance relationships. But try to remember that things can’t be the same as they were when you were seeing each other every day, and that unless you pick up on some very serious warning signals, try not to let your imagination spiral out of control. Think positively, and appreciate the fact that you’ve found someone who wants to stay committed to you!
Keeping a Long Distance Relationship Going
October 17, 2011 | Leave a Comment
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months and we are incredibly happy together. We rarely fight, we do cute things for each other, ETC. I live in Maine and he is going to be moving to Washington (Across the country…) and I love him and want everything to work out. How do you make a long distance relationship work? I’ve never been in one before so I don’t know what steps to take or what to expect. Thank you in advance, I Truly appreciate it. – Aubrey
Dear Aubrey,
Long distance relationships are never easy but that doesn’t mean they’re impossible to maintain. Going from seeing your partner nearly every day to a few times a year can be frustrating and upsetting, but there are many ways to keep the relationship going. In this day and age, we have so many tools to bridge gaps with people all over the world and although none of them compare to being with your partner and holding their hand, they can help make the loneliness a little easier to bear.
Send letters to your partner. I don’t mean email or Facebook messages; I mean handwritten letters. This may sound pointless and old-fashioned, but I think handwritten letters are so much more meaningful than pixels on a computer screen. Plus, you have so much more freedom with a pen and paper: you can send them drawings or sketches too! And at the end of the day, you’ll have given your partner something tangible that expresses your love for them. Holding that letter and reading it, they’ll know with certainty that despite the distance between you two, your love knows no bounds.
Continue to do cute things for each other. Some couples don’t do this because it’s not how they express their feelings, but if you do cute things for each other, continue! Send emails and cards and presents and call them often. It’s difficult when you’re so far away, but it’s still doable. Think of it as a challenge and be creative.
Call and videochat. In this era of technology and smartphones, it’s so easy to leave everything to texting and Facebook. The issue is that tone and meaning become muddled and unclear when you only communicate through written (or typed) words. Calling and videochatting help somewhat. What’s important, though, is that you set aside time to call and chat; don’t try and talk to them while you’re busy doing other things. This will frustrate both of you, so give your partner the time they deserve; don’t treat them like another window on your computer screen.
Have a life. Just because you miss them doesn’t mean you have to answer every text message you get immediately, or videochat with them for seven hours a day. Doing so will shut you off from the world around you, and you’ll feel more alone than ever. Instead, go out! Allocate your time appropriately so that you can maintain your long-distance relationship without sacrificing your social, work, or academic life for it.
Be patient. This applies in pretty much every sense. You and your partner will need time to adjust to this new relationship. Sometimes, one of you may be unavailable when the other wants to talk, which may cause you to feel restricted or spurned. Situations like these are bound to happen, but as long as you two remember how much you care for each other then you won’t go wrong. It takes longer for issues to be resolved when you aren’t there to talk with one another face to face, so don’t feel disillusioned or upset when an issue isn’t fixed instantly. Along with effort and dedication, it just takes time.
Hopefully, the advice I gave was useful, but every couple is different. There’s no right way to have a relationship; each one works and functions in its own specific way. Find what works for you and your partner and maintain it. Long-distance relationships aren’t easy, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t worth it.
Candice Garcia’s and Curtis Daniel’s Blog
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