How Can You Teach Your Kids About Couple Relationships
March 24, 2009 | Leave a Comment
Dear Candice,
I’ve been a single mom for six years now. I have two beautiful daughters. My eldest is turning 18 and the youngest is 16. And they are both starting to ask questions about relationships. Sometimes I don’t feel comfortable responding… I feel that I’m not the right person to be asked and give advice, because even my own relationship with their dad didn’t work out, and they have witnessed all the hardships that I’ve been through. I’m now in a new relationship and he wants me and my kids to move in with him. But I’m indecisive still, I don’t want my kids to see this as if it’s just a normal thing to be separated then live with another man after a few years. I don’t want them to see anymore misunderstandings and anymore failures in my relationship. Given the situation, how can I teach them about couple relationships? — Sofia Meininger (San Francisco, CA)
Dear Sofia,
How you act as a couple is going to be unique from any other couple relationships. No two people are the same, so no two relationships are ever going to be the same. Many single parents, like you, have to really think about bringing someone new into the home or in your case moving in with your new partner. It is going to have the same impact. Children are going to learn what they should and should not expect and put up with in couple relationships based on how you and your significant other treat each other. The pressure is really in you, good thing is… there are some basic things you can do.
Children are going to learn all about what couple relationships are based on their parents, more often than not, parents failed to realize this fact. You have to stop and think about what you are showing your children and what they are learning from it. If you think you’ve made a mistake before, that does not mean you are a bad parent. You just did not realize how much they really pick up and learn from you. They are going to have what you have in a relationship, so be picky. Your kids move through childhood to adulthood, while watching you, just like how they’ve learned how to walk, talk, and relate.
Don’t be a victim of your past, no matter how hard we try, we are bound to make mistakes.. and that’s what continuous learning is all about. Let’s say children have no place in couple relationships, in a way that should not be aware of adult problems that are too complex for them to handle. For example, if your spouse has cheated, or done something else that threatens the union, this can not be played out in front of them. Children are more aware of everything in couple relationships problems than you may think. And how they would handle relationship problems in the future will be based on how you did handle them. What you decide as alright is what they are going to think as alright. Better to keep them away from issues and details you know they cannot handle yet.
There is always going to be disagreements and fighting in couple relationships. It is impossible for two people to be with each other for any length of time and agree on everything. What you have to think about is how you fight things out. If you shout and throw things, your children are going to think that is how you are supposed to act when you disagree, and if they grow up and meet someone like that for their relationships, they are going to accept that as that is how things are supposed to be. Take your fighting where your children can not hear it, and learn to negotiate to eliminate at least most of that shouting.
Every parent wants to be a model for their children and to be a source of hope about relationship. If your relationship is having problems now, and you are afraid that your kids are going to experience the same, a good way to deal with these is to handle and solve the problems in a logical and a peaceful manner if at all possible. Don’t worry if you think that you have already done some damage in teaching your children about couple relationships. There is always time to turn that around by changing the way that you do things. If they have questions, answer them honestly and confidently.
Relationship Therapy Can Bring Your Relationship Right Back Around
March 17, 2009 | 1 Comment
Dear Candice,
Me and my boyfriend have been together for five years, and things were really tough lately. We used to talk about all our misunderstandings, but now he doesn’t seem to care fixing one at all. Will it be better to end the relationship now? — Sara Stephens
Dear Sara,
When things are tough, it is not always the best idea to give up and move on. Many relationships are worth saving if you only wish to do it. You surely can take something that seems hopeless and turn it into something more amazing. That’s how amazing relationship therapy can do to your relationship right now. Yes, relationships of all types are hard. That is something that you already know. And each type can be equally trying whether you are talking about romantic or family relationships.
For family relationships, you can see a counselor that is going to work on relationship therapy with each member of the family, and then the family as a whole. This does not have to be limited to the members of your family that live in your home. If you have always had a great relationship with your Aunt Sue, but suddenly you can not get over something that happened, relationship therapy can work very well if you really care about saving that relationship. It’s easier to have someone from the outside help resolve issues.
One of the more common reasons why families go into relationship therapy is because they are having problems with teenagers. The teen years are hard to get through, and everyone knows that. At times, parents need help when their teenagers are having an especially hard time relating with not just them, but with everyone that they have in their lives. There is also relationship therapy that can work as a preventative measure so that things never quite get out of hand. That allows families to work things out more quickly because they already know what to do when problems start.
The reason why I’m telling you how relationship therapy can resolve family issues, is to give you a better idea on how it could work on your romantic relationship. You weren’t the only person who thought of giving up when the situation gets tough or that “mind-blowing novelty factor” you and your partner used to have during your first few years in the relationship, is starting to disappear.
Romantic relationships are probably the trickiest of all. It doesn’t matter if a couple is married or about to be married, they can always count on relationship therapy when they are having problems. Many give up too soon on what was otherwise a very stable and love filled relationship when things get tough. The problems they are facing are often easier to overcome than they think. When in pain, people simply want to retreat. What they may not realize is that relationship therapy can bring that relationship right back around and they will be thankful that they stuck it out.
Let your relationship undergo therapy, this is a serious consideration you must take before ending it. You do want to go out knowing that you gave it everything you had before you decided that it is something that is simply over. If you don’t, you could go through the next few years, or even throughout the rest of your life, wondering if you made the right choice. If you give it all you have, and go through relationship therapy, you will know without a doubt that you have made the right choice if you do choose to end that relationship.
Questions To Ask Your Boyfriend, What’s Enough and What’s Too Much?
March 16, 2009 | 1 Comment
Dear Candice,
I’ve been seeing this guy for a couple of months now. I know not much about him, though we are getting along very well. I want to get to know him better. I want to know more about his friends, work, family, especially past relationships. But I’m kinda afraid of how would he react if I ask TMI about him. What are the right questions to ask? — Arlene Trent
Dear Arlene,
Knowing the right questions to ask your boyfriend and the correct things to tell him can really help you make and keep the peace in the relationship. There are some guys who may tell you TMI [too much information] about them, however, there are questions that may not be appropriate to ask. For two reasons: comfort and timing. Yes, even the most honest guys won’t tell their girlfriends all about them if they are not comfortable enough and if the timing is not right.
What’s Enough? Just ask what you need to know, but don’t throw the questions all at one time. Of course, the questions to ask a guy vary somewhat from guy to guy. Nonetheless, there are some questions that are universal. What you need to know about your partner are his needs and interests, his baggage and issues, and his long term plan.
Ask him what he is looking for in a relationship, what his previous relationships have been like, what tends to work for him and what doesn’t. Ask him about his family and his friends. Keep track of what themes come up over and over again. What parts of his life are working well, and what parts tend to get him in trouble. These questions to ask your boyfriend can really help you to understand what kind of guy you are dating and if you want to get in to a long term thing with him.
What’s too much? It can be too much if timing is not right. There are some things you can ask about early on even if you are casually dating, but you have to be careful. There are many questions to ask your boyfriend that can be damaging if asked too early. Avoid asking questions about commitment. There is a good chance that he is still feeling out the relationship and is not in a position to make a decision one way or another.
Even if you are not asking him to commit to you, these kinds of questions can still make him a bit wary of the relationship. Questions related to commitment need to be asked at the right time, failure to do so may derail a good thing before it starts really working. You don’t want your relationship be a “close but no cigar” case, right?
Still, in general if there is a question to ask your boyfriend that really intrigues you, you should not be afraid to ask. If you are, it is a sign that things are not working out as they should. You should always feel at ease with speaking your mind, no matter what the situation is. After all, you will definitely never know about something… until you ask. If you do not feel right around someone, you should probably not be dating him in the first place.
Communication Problems in Relationships That Can Be Fixed
March 13, 2009 | 3 Comments
Dear Candice
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now. The first two years were great, I’m patient with him and he’s patient with me. But the last few months weren’t good. We always argue on different things. And he’s being forceful of what he think is right. I feel so disconnected with him right now but I really want to make things work and save the relationship. Please help. – Deonna Rois
Dear Deonna,
Good communication skills can make your relationship work well and stay strong. However, like your relationship, about every relationship has its ups and downs, usually one or both do not know how to communicate well. In life, you have to weather financial stresses… life events and health problems, as best as you’re able. While these problems are often cited as major reasons for divorce, communication problems in relationships are often the root cause. If you’re not communicating effectively, it’s almost guaranteed that you’ll experience a distancing from your partner over time.
Here, we take a look at five of the most common communication problems in relationships and what you can do about them to get you back on track.
Making the effort to restore good two-way conversations. This communication problem is most common in long term relationships. You’ve doubtless heard it said that, over time, your partner can anticipate your response in a conversation before you ever speak. Unless you are willing to really listen to your partner, uninterrupted, the not-listening syndrome takes hold. This isn’t necessarily a one sided deal. Sometimes both people begin to talk over each other, while in other cases, one person talks and does not invite any response. Making the effort to restore good two-way conversations, with thought given to what each person’s point is can go a long way towards eliminating communication problems in relationships.
Re-prioritize, reorganize or redistribute. Most of us conduct very busy lives, with very little time left over for quality time spent with your mate. If all, or much of your communications consist of conversations on problems, this can wear thin. Re-prioritize, reorganize or redistribute necessary tasks such that you gain even an hour each day together, spent talking about more positive topics or just kicking back together. It’s obvious that if most communications between you are of a negative nature, you’re generating a negative environment, which doesn’t bode well for your relationship.
Avoid the guilt trips. Another major culprit in the lineup of communication problems in relationships is using guilt trips to get your way. This is far more common than you might think. For example, your spouse has jumped on your case for spending money on something deemed to be frivolous. Perhaps it was a frivolous purchase. If you respond with a remark that digs into the past, detailing some mistake your spouse made, this is not productive. You are really just putting a guilt trip on your partner in order to avoid your own mistake.
Don’t get into blame games. Somewhat similar to guilt trips, blame games differ in that usually only one of you is playing the game. This is pure arrogance and is often used by a controlling personality. It serves two, not very admirable and certainly counterproductive purposes. The person who’s into the blame game then can feel righteous and in charge, while the person who is blamed for everything feels resentful and suffers, eventually, a loss of confidence and an unhappy mood. This leads to inserting attitudes and guilt trips. If this type of communication problem starts becoming the norm, it’s time for a serious sit down.
Step back. When a conversation starts going sour, take a step back. Take a time out and calm down before continuing the conversation. Indulging in attitudes takes a conversation nowhere good. Be a fly on the wall and check out each of your attitudes. Is your attitude confrontational? Irrational and angry? A bad attitude can contribute greatly to ongoing, habitual communication problems in relationships. Try to be objective. If you realize you’re just angry and have a bad attitude, you’re just fueling the fire.
Communication problems in relationships are fixable. You’re the only person who can tell which of the examples here may apply to you. One thing is certain…. despite all the ups and downs life throws on your plate, when communication is done in a mutual effort, you’ll both be much happier.
Trust and Relationships Go Hand In Hand | Nurturing trust is the key to happy relationships
March 10, 2009 | 1 Comment
Dear Candice,
My boyfriend and I got back together very recently. Last week, he asked me out for a dinner, her new female friend arranged for us. I met the female friend during the dinner too and to my dismay, I’ve witnessed their closeness. She’s a fair looking lady with great personality. And she has been nice to me too. Yes, I was jealous. I asked my boyfriend about it and he said that there’s nothing going on but plainly friendship. But I can’t stop thinking about it? What can I do? Please help. — Odessa
Dear Odessa,
I have one word for you — Trust. Almost every type of relationship is doomed to failure if the parties don’t demonstrate integrity in their mutual dealings. For example, if you purchase some item from a retail shop and it proves to be defective, you rely on the seller to be honorable and give you a replacement. However, if you find that the seller refuses to do so or attempts to renege on a verbal agreement, you won’t trust that seller and won’t buy from him in the future. You don’t find him worthy of your trust. Let me tell you some other scenarios so you can better understand that with trust and relationships, you really can’t have one without the other.
The same situation exists in parent-child relationships. Parents generally teach their kids to earn trust by demonstration. If the child tells the parent he’s going to be at the library, but is discovered to be at his girlfriend’s house, the element of trust is compromised and must be rebuilt. It’s easy to see that trust and relationships do indeed go hand in hand.
With the untrustworthy seller, this ends the relationship. The errant child learns a lesson in trust and relationships and the parents continue to nurture trust. When it comes to couples in a serious relationship, or marriage, most people aren’t willing to simply throw the relationship away. The emotional attachment is great enough that couples are willing to work towards developing and regaining trust.
In romantic relationships, the issue of trust often comes up in terms of fidelity, which can be one of the most difficult of trust and relationship matters to resolve. If your spouse betrayed your trust by promising to pay the phone bill and then not following through, this is more a case of irresponsibility or perhaps forgetfulness. Such issues can be easily resolved and don’t threaten the viability of the relationship. If you were to discover your spouse was unfaithful to you, it would be devastating.
There are several options with which you might work through this scenario. A person who shows they are generally trustworthy in character, but fell down on this most basic aspects of trust and relationships, must have a reason. Painful as it might be, if you hope to salvage the relationship and rebuild the trust you once took for granted, you’ll have to talk it out between the two of you. In some cases, a professional marriage counselor might work for you. The counselor has seen it all and can offer insights and solutions. Such counselors serve as mediators and know how to direct communications between the two of you to guide you through the process of restoring trust and going on from there.
In some cases, if one partner is insecure, they may be constantly accusing the other of infidelity, when this is not the case. This one-sided lack of trust can prove frustrating to the innocent spouse and eventually drive them away. If this is your case, self-help books may provide insights on insecure personalities, which will allow you to understand how to help your insecure partner feel more secure.
When trust and relationships do not coexist, you need to address the lack of trust and the reasons why, sooner rather than later. It’s a wonderful state indeed, when you have this magical component of trust, a relationship must-have.
Candice Garcia’s and Curtis Daniel’s Blog
Categories
Recent Posts
Recent Comments
- Sadeyes on Manifestations That You’re In A Toxic Relationship You Didn’t Know – Until Now
- Gen McClain on Control Issues In Toxic Relationships
- kush on Communication Problems in Relationships That Can Be Fixed
- wandile fumene on Getting Boyfriend Back After a Breakup After Facebook Fail
- donna on When Is It Too Late To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back?