Control Issues In Toxic Relationships
Dear Candice,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and now that I look back on it I feel that I’ve apologized for way more than I should have as most of the time. I don’t understand my boyfriend most of the time, he goes through different moods and I always feel like I have to do exactly what he says or he will shout at me and say bad things about me, even in front of our friends. Then I have to apologize because I’ve made him angry. Last time we had this petty fight, he said I’ve made him feel he is a bad boyfriend and I should apologize for making him feel that way. And this just keeps on and on… why should I apologize for everything!???? This is to toxic, don’t you think?? — Clare
Dear Clare,
If not all, most toxic relationships, have control issues. Clearly, your boyfriend is trying to control you by insisting how you should act and by saying bad things about you in front of others. In my last article, I covered the manifestations of toxic relationships, and what you’ve been experiencing are clues that you’re in one right now. There are so many ways a boyfriend can be controlling, which can range from name calling, putting you down in front of friends, family and relatives, and treating you in arrogant ways. Such behaviors should not exist in a loving relationship. Here are some control issues in toxic relationships:
Jealousy. This is almost always present in toxic relationships. Often, a partner will try to make you believe that it is plainly because he loves you that much. Truth is, jealousy is a sign of insecurity, nothing else. It may lead to accusing one has other affairs or being unfaithful.
Self-centeredness. This behavior can be seen even in most simplest actions of your boyfriend. For example, if your on a trip with your boyfriend and he won’t let you use a closet in your bedroom, instead let you use a closet in another room, you should be worried. It’s a sign that he has concern only for himself.
Restricting your spending. There’s no problem in monitoring purchases, it becomes a problem when your partner starts to control what you buy and counts how much money you spend. If your partner gets angry and yells at you for a purchase, you must be alarmed. Especially, if you purchased drinking glasses and a shower curtain, and he raged at me because he’d expected to choose those items himself.
Throwing accusations and criticisms. Be very afraid when your partner starts to throw accusations at you and criticize you, that even your neighbor can hear. Losing your confidence and self-worth is a manifestation that you’re in a toxic relationship. If you let him, there will come a time that you can’t even decide whether to discard old food or not from your fridge, because you fear that a blow up is about to happen when you mistakenly toss something that your partner still want to eat.
“A good life depends on good performance.” Most of us live by to that adage. That if you live to please others and work hard to offend no one… you are creating and bound to get a wonderful life. Let’s face it, not all story ends up that way. But one thing is certain… you always have a choice. A choice to let go and move forward. Letting someone disrespect you and selling yourself short aren’t the ways to have a wonderful life.
Whenever you start to notice you are feeling incompetent and dismissed a lot, take action. Perhaps what you all need is a quality time together, or a relationship counseling from someone you both trust. Controlling behavior surely finds expression in so many ways, but, it is always meant to take your right to choose out and replace it with demands. This manifestations will render you powerless and horridly dependent, if you let it continue.
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Dear Candice,
I’ve been in a casual relationship for almost a year now, the relationship has been off and on. I’m aware he sees other people as do I. He is mature, divorced, and has 3 kids.
We’ve developed a pattern in which we are cool for a few months and then have a huge fight, say mean things and stop talking for awhile and then it just picks right back up. Everything seemed to be going okay these last few months, but then something happened. He stopped calling me, not heard from him at all for 2 weeks. And then I got this message telling me he was sorry cos he’s out of reach and he’s spending a month vacation with a girl he met a few weeks ago… and he needs a break!!! Seriously??? A break from what? He already did!!! We don’t even have a friendship. I wouldn’t treat my friends like that. I really want to get over this, it’s just gone toxic, any advice? – Marie
I’ve been with the same man for almost two years. He asked me to marry him in May of 2009. I’d only been with him since January of that year. Since then, he has been jealous of my spending time with my sister, & my family. He grew up in an abusive household, & is not very close to his family. Everytime I want to spend time with my family, he gets jealous & says bad things about them.
He has helped me learn to budget my money, but whenever I eat out, he yells at me, telling me I am going to be broke. He has made me return things I bought, & will always ask me how much money I have in my bank account.
He is receiving SSI & doesn’t work. He hasn’t worked since 2004, as he was in prison for a few years. I just lost my job last week, & he has been riding me all the time, about how I have to get a job, because “If it wasn’t for him, I’d be broke, homeless, & on the streets”. I’m receiving Section 8 housing due to my being mentally disabled (Borderline Personality Disorder). He, too, is mentally disabled (he suffers from bipolar schizo-effective disorder).
I do love him, but I’m not sure if I should stay or go.
Any help would be awesome.
Ive been in a relationship for 1year and a half yrs we were previously engaged and went our ways for 4years after previous relationships didnt work out we began dating again. He still continued to be very self centered and self obsorbed what ever activitlies we spent together of went out recreational it has always been of his choice and his interest never acknowledging my interest or needs or wants. expecting me to be exclusively involved and there for him with no effort or any sign of committment? Liz
I have been with my husband for 8 years & I have a daughter with him along with 2 boys from a previous relationship. When I got with him I was very depressed & felt like I had a lot of baggage from my previous relationship. I realize I shouldn’t have started a new relationship but I did. When we began dating he was very emotionally abusive. He would do things like pay someone to babysit my boys so he could go out with his friends while I would be sick. He would start fights in front of his friends to make them hate me. They still hate me so he uses that as an excuse not to hang out with them anymore. 5 weeks after we got married he won a trip for 2 to the Florida Keys with a hotel right on the beach & he took his best friend instead of me while all his other colleagues took their wives. If I showed any feelings of being upset he would get angry & even angrier if his anger made me cry. The issue always ended with me as the bad person when he was the one that did something wrong. It got better after I had his daughter but it seems like it got a lot worse when my emotional attachment became nothing. He started throwing things & the accusations began. He began accusing me of having affairs & began spying on me. I kicked him out and I was fine until people started talking about how hard he was taking it. So I let him come back and it’s a lot better. He’s telling me a lot how beautiful I am & when we hang out with his friends he’s by my side trying to prove himself. But I just don’t trust him & I’m always waiting for the other ball to drop. And I can’t stand the fact that he’s so lazy. I know from my story, that I seem like the stupid one because I let him get away with things for a long time. But I’m confused & everyone thinks its such a simple thing to leave. But it’s not. I have a daughter with him. I just don’t feel like I have a good enough reason to leave now without feeling like the bad guy again because he has changed a lot. So any advise I can get would be really nice bc I’m so exhausted going back & forth on my decision & I know it’s got be the same for the kids if not harder.