Dwelling on Past Mistakes Won’t Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back

Dear Candice,

I broke up with my ex a couple of months ago because he cheated on me. Until now, he’s trying to win me back. I still love him and desperately want him back too. But what if he cheats on me again? Is it right to give our relationship a second chance? – Toni (Los Angeles, CA)

Dear Toni,

Don’t let your past hold you back. If you’re sure that you want to get together again with your ex boyfriend, just do it. Stop worrying about what happened before. Focus on what comes next. After all, rebuilding a relationship is about thinking forward, so it doesn’t make sense to linger in the past.

That viewpoint may seem contrary to what common sense would suggest. You often think that you need to dissect the past in order to figure out what went wrong. Further, you also think that the past information give you the right clues to prevent another break up after reuniting with your ex. Furthermore, you think that a full accounting of the past will better your position to do what it takes to get your ex boyfriend back.

The truth is, you don’t need to become some sort of weird relationship forensic examiner to get your man back in your life. In fact, that kind of focus on the past will do nothing but to hinder you from achieving want you want – and that is to get your ex back.

The more you focus on past missteps and problems, the more it leads you to a counterproductive problem/solution mindset. Instead of focusing on the big picture factors that can actually bring a man back into your life, you may find yourself trying to devise little systems by which to solve a series of relatively minor problems. Your time could be better spent elsewhere and most of the solutions you devise are probably inconsistent with the realities of your personality.

Being bogged down in little details and thoughts of the past will prevent you from taking necessary and sound action. Remember ‘paralysis by analysis’? Yes, of course you do, that’s what happens if you keep dwelling on the past.

Perhaps, the real reason why you broke up in the first place has very little to do with the discrete problems you’ll dig up and over-analyze. Break ups usually stem from a multiplicity of factors that combine to create a certain situations under a particular set of circumstances. So, do not waste your time.

Why not put it this way? Bury that past and move forward. While history can provide you with some valuable information, you are not governed by it.

If you’ve decided to get your ex boyfriend back, it doesn’t really matter why you broke up. What matters now is what you’re going to do to get back together. That is where your focus should really be on – taking the actions necessary to create a great future.

For you to successfully revive and improve the relationship, you need to get going and stop dredging up bad memories and ripping off emotional scabs. Focus on your efforts to take actions to make the relationship work. Most of the time, people who get bogged down in the past aspects of their relationships have the hardest time when it comes to rebuilding a relationship after the break up. And those people, who have quickly realized that it’s high time to take action and let those sleeping dogs lay, are more successful.

Again, rebuilding a relationship is a forward-thinking affair and getting stuck on past trials and tribulations can only complicate the process unnecessarily. If you want to get your ex boyfriend back, there’s really no reason to dwell on past mistakes.