How Can You Teach Your Kids About Couple Relationships

Dear Candice,

I’ve been a single mom for six years now. I have two beautiful daughters. My eldest is turning 18 and the youngest is 16. And they are both starting to ask questions about relationships. Sometimes I don’t feel comfortable responding… I feel that I’m not the right person to be asked and give advice, because even my own relationship with their dad didn’t work out, and they have witnessed all the hardships that I’ve been through. I’m now in a new relationship and he wants me and my kids to move in with him. But I’m indecisive still, I don’t want my kids to see this as if it’s just a normal thing to be separated then live with another man after a few years. I don’t want them to see anymore misunderstandings and anymore failures in my relationship. Given the situation, how can I teach them about couple relationships? — Sofia Meininger (San Francisco, CA)

Dear Sofia,

How you act as a couple is going to be unique from any other couple relationships. No two people are the same, so no two relationships are ever going to be the same. Many single parents, like you, have to really think about bringing someone new into the home or in your case moving in with your new partner. It is going to have the same impact. Children are going to learn what they should and should not expect and put up with in couple relationships based on how you and your significant other treat each other. The pressure is really in you, good thing is… there are some basic things you can do.

Children are going to learn all about what couple relationships are based on their parents, more often than not, parents failed to realize this fact. You have to stop and think about what you are showing your children and what they are learning from it. If you think you’ve made a mistake before, that does not mean you are a bad parent. You just did not realize how much they really pick up and learn from you. They are going to have what you have in a relationship, so be picky. Your kids move through childhood to adulthood, while watching you, just like how they’ve learned how to walk, talk, and relate.

Don’t be a victim of your past, no matter how hard we try, we are bound to make mistakes.. and that’s what continuous learning is all about. Let’s say children have no place in couple relationships, in a way that should not be aware of adult problems that are too complex for them to handle. For example, if your spouse has cheated, or done something else that threatens the union, this can not be played out in front of them. Children are more aware of everything in couple relationships problems than you may think. And how they would handle relationship problems in the future will be based on how you did handle them. What you decide as alright is what they are going to think as alright. Better to keep them away from issues and details you know they cannot handle yet.

There is always going to be disagreements and fighting in couple relationships. It is impossible for two people to be with each other for any length of time and agree on everything. What you have to think about is how you fight things out. If you shout and throw things, your children are going to think that is how you are supposed to act when you disagree, and if they grow up and meet someone like that for their relationships, they are going to accept that as that is how things are supposed to be. Take your fighting where your children can not hear it, and learn to negotiate to eliminate at least most of that shouting.

Every parent wants to be a model for their children and to be a source of hope about relationship. If your relationship is having problems now, and you are afraid that your kids are going to experience the same, a good way to deal with these is to handle and solve the problems in a logical and a peaceful manner if at all possible. Don’t worry if you think that you have already done some damage in teaching your children about couple relationships. There is always time to turn that around by changing the way that you do things. If they have questions, answer them honestly and confidently.