How To Apologize Effectively, Especially During a Breakup

March 18, 2010 | By Candice | In Advice

Once you’re in a relationship, getting hurt or causing someone to be hurt is inevitable. What’s important is you know how to apologize effectively and sincerely, especially during a breakup. A friend once told me, that an apology is just like a scalpel. Used correctly, it saves lives. Used badly, and it will sever the heart – for GOOD.

Saying the word ”sorry” is easy enough, but only a few of us know how to make an effective apology. Many relationships end up breaking because we say “sorry” without really apologizing. For an apology to count as one, it has to be apology in the trust sense of the word – an admission of wrongdoing without excuses or justification.

“I’m sorry but…” just doesn’t hack it – it’s not an apology; it is an attempt at an apology. In rebuilding a relationship, what then is a genuine apology? One has to admit the responsibility. No matter what you do, never follow “I’m sorry” with a BUT. A “but” is a justification. Thus, showing your ex that it is a compromise rather than a genuine apology. It’s like telling your ex to shift the blame elsewhere.

Giving an apology must be just in time. The sooner you offer an apology, the lesser the hurt can become inflamed. Your apology should be made the following day or week, if not on the day itself. There’s no point in apologizing for forgetting your ex’s birthday three months ago. Be specific. Name what you did wrong and apologize for it.

“I’m sorry” is simply too generic, you must specify precisely what you are sorry for so she/he will know you know exactly what you did wrong. An apology must offer an explanation. Your ex may not be ready to hear this, especially during the raw days after a breakup. Tell your ex the truth that he or she deserves. Although it hurts, your ex would absolutely want your explanation later on.

A genuine apology must make amends. There is nothing physical to repair. But hearts and trusts shatter worse than any real object so make these the focus of your repair work. Ask her/him sincerely, “What can I do to make amends?” Once you have the answer, commit to it. If your objective is to heal the rift of your relationship and get your ex back, never use these phony apologies, as follows:

“I’m sorry if I offended you.” This phony apology implies two things, first, that your apology is conditional and second, that the person you are apologizing to is simply over-reacting so it really is her fault that he/she is offended. You’re not a politician but you sure have the art of double-speak down to a science with this line. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” This implies there was no mistake and that the only thing wrong with the scenario is that the other person’s nose is slightly out of joint. You are not apologizing for a mistake, this is you shifting the blame to the other person with the bad feeling.

“I’m sorry you misunderstood.” This is another way of shifting the blame. Rather than apologize for a mistake, this line points out it’s the other person’s fault for not getting what was really meant.

When you are in a relationship, you always apologize and you always explain to work things out. Certainly, loving someone means you’re willing to say you’re sorry… not once but always.