Interracial Relationships Misunderstanding or Plain Old Abuse?

I have struggled with this relationship from early days before we were married and have excused a lot of bad behavior as cultural differences. I am in an inter-racial relationship. However, I don’t really think it really has much to do with different cultural expectations but the kind of people we are. In that I do take some responsibility for attaching myself so much to someone who is clearly not good for me and being too needy in needing to be loved that its just created dependency. He has always been subject to temper tantrums, often over the most trivial things and sometimes has a public display of anger, including shouting and whacking me on the arm and generally quite shocking random behavior. I now tread egg shells and never know when the next bout of temper will arise. I actually feel anxious and afraid and find myself trying to keep things on an even keel to avoid another explosion. He appears to be very polite and mild mannered in front of my friends and family,but not with me.He ignores me most of the time and there is little conversation and less laughter.He doesn’t like me bringing friends to the house so I go out when I need space to breathe. He has become very dependent on me to do everything for him since he was new to this country and I find little time for myself or if I get time I’m too tired. We don’t do anything together apart from work and occasional holiday where again there is no conversation and a brooding feeling that the ice may crack at a moment and some scene will unfold. In the past he had an affair and I nearly left him then but couldn’t as he begged me to stay. Now he has his own business here and I am financially dependent on him. I realize patterns of behavior arise from childhood and we were both subjects of violent childhoods. Now I just feel strangely sad and flat. The other night, I had an incredible urge to hurt myself somehow I have no idea why and this is not usual for me. It was a bit frightening. My self-esteem is at an all time low and at 40 I feel that part of my life is over. Certainly the thoughts of having children (although a bit late) with someone like this feels like one route to a huge trap. I sometimes wonder if he is a bit mentally ill as he treats me in a maternal way at times, i.e it’s my responsibility to make sure his life goes according to plan even at my own detriment, and he speaks in an infantile voice in order to get affection of me. I’m tired of moaning at my friends about it all and I’m sure its a real drag for them. I don’t know where to go from here but he now wants us to sell my property and move together into a bigger house. I just cant see a way out. It’s black in here. Andrea Gillespie

Dear Andrea,

Interracial relationships—or intercultural relationships—may not be easy to maintain. Coming from different backgrounds can cause partners to misunderstand and misinterpret each other, as well as have little in common. But this doesn’t mean they aren’t right for each other or shouldn’t be together. Sometimes, the opposite effect is true, in which the differences between the two partners connect them and allow them to learn about each other and know one another more intimately. Plenty of couples have made interracial and intercultural relationships work successfully, so it is not impossible to do by any means.

What you’re describing seems more like an emotionally abusive relationship and the fact that your relationship is “inter-racial” does not justify that. Nothing justifies abuse, whether it’s emotional, physical, or otherwise.

First, I think you have to step back from the relationship and see if you want to save it. Whether it’s for yourself, for him, or for your children especially, do you see a point in staying with him? Do you think you as well as everyone around you can be happy if you choose to remain with your husband? If both of you work hard to improve your marriage, do you still see a point in salvaging it? Whatever your answers may be, I can only offer you one piece of advice: communicate.

Whether you want a separation, divorce, or to stay married (happily or otherwise), you will have to communicate. I know it’s much easier said than done, but it’s crucial in any relationship—not just the romantic ones—to keep each other in check and let each other know how we’re doing and what we’re feeling. If he is not aware of how you feel, he does not realize his effect on you and how he’s distancing you and abusing you. Perhaps he is aware of it but rationalizes it in his own head and ignores whatever conscious tells him it’s wrong to do what he’s doing. If you tell him honestly and genuinely how you feel, without threats or expectations or fearfulness, you’ve done your part. Then, it’s his turn to let you know why he’s behaving in such a way and you and your husband can work together to fix whatever problems you may have.

Even if you choose to leave him, you want to make the right decision for yourself. You won’t be sure of what that is until you can be certain that you have no desire to save the relationship you have. That certainty comes with communication. What you two need to do is communicate.

Now, if he justifies his abuse as part of how he grew up and this is one of the cultural differences between you two, then the only thing you can do is try to make him understand. Whether he does or doesn’t is not your fault and honestly may be so deeply ingrained into his personality that he may not know how to interact differently. But you won’t know until you communicate.

You’ll figure out what to do and where to go from there.