Leaving a Violent Husband

My husband is constantly putting me down. He gets mad and picks up things and acts like he is going to throw them at me. Three fourths of the time he does… I used to just get upset and cry or argue… now I just get violent…. I’m not even close to being his strength level and in the end I get the brunt of everything. It’s about every 2 weeks and then it’s like we wake up and it’s a new day…. I can’t live like this anymore…. He spit in my face because I was laughing at him because he was acting crazy trying to find something…. Does this cycle ever break? Can people change…. We quit drinking, are in counseling individually and have a minister come once weekly for guidance and God’s want for a Christian marriage…. I really don’t want to leave but I have to… I’ve signed a lease… me and the four kids are leaving…. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way. He has so much potential and I see the good. It’s just so far buried down in his anger that it’s not much to want to find anymore, any advice… divorce is the last thing I want but it just keeps getting worse. – Laura

Dear Laura,

There’s no excuse for abuse, whether it’s emotional, physical, or otherwise. In order for your marriage to be saved, both you and your husband have to want to save it. This means that both of you must make the effort to improve it and work together. Him continuously abusing you despite counseling tells you that he isn’t making any effort to change.This isn’t to say that he can’t change. I believe that people can if they truly want to; it may not be quick and it may not be easy, but it’s not impossible. However, from your husband’s behavior, it seems as though he isn’t serious about changing his ways. If you are certain you want to leave him, which it seems you are, then that is the right decision.

If you (and most importantly, your children) are in an abusive and toxic environment, then the most important thing is to get out. Neither you nor your children deserve to be in such a household. Your children should not be given an abusive relationship to look up to because they may grow up believing that such interactions between husbands and wives are not only acceptable, but desirable as well. Even worse, if your husband finds no shame in abusing you, who can say for sure that he isn’t abusing them? If you can’t leave him for yourself, at least do it for your children. They deserve a better life and a better future just as much as you do.

In terms of the specifics of how to go about leaving your husband, I would always suggest legal methods over illegal ones. Your safety and well being and those of your kids (and your husband, too) are paramount and if the police or other legal authorities need to intervene, then the best thing to do is to let them. They’re there for your protection.

Ultimately, whether you decide to attempt to fix the marriage or leave it be, you alone must take the steps to change your situation. Any and all advice given to you will amount to nothing if you do not use it, and it is imperative that you do exactly that. You have to change the situation for yourself and for your family in whatever way you think is best and no one else can do it for you. In general, though, if you put safety first, you can’t really go wrong.