Manifestations That You’re In A Toxic Relationship You Didn’t Know – Until Now

May 8, 2009 | By Candice | In Advice, Problems in Relationship 

Dear Candice,

I’ve been to a really rough relationship, it was toxic, really unhealthy that my partner turned to an abusive one. I really want to avoid that kind of relationship, I don’t want to be in the same scenario ever again. I am now exclusively dating someone, what are the red flags of a potentially abusive or toxic relationship that I should watch? — Noreen

Dear Noreen,

Many people suffer from an unhealthy relationship. More often than not, if you are in the middle of a toxic relationship, you are too preoccupied to see how detrimental the relationship is for you and your boyfriend’s self-respect. Other people may ask you why choose to stay in the relationship and that your boyfriend is not good for you. Sometimes, you feel your boyfriend loves you, convinced that disagreements do happen in a relationship. However, most of the time, you feel down for being neglected and you can’t seem to understand what’s going on.

You can tell that you’re in a toxic relationship if:

  • Your partner puts you down (verbally) in front of other.
  • While your partner says they love you, their actions don’t back it up.
  • Your thoughts, opinions, accomplishments, or words are devalued.
  • Your partner tries to make you dependent on them.
  • Your partner makes you feel unattractive or stupid that you have changed things about yourself to please them.

Being around with toxic people is really not a good feeling, so how one can possibly stay in a toxic relationship? How can one choose to stay with someone who’s abusive and does nothing but harm, physically or emotionally?

Like any other problems in life, a toxic relationship has a cycle. First stage, the honeymoon period, then tensions build up… blow up, then agree for a recon and then over again. One has to put an end to it, if not, bad things will happen over and over again that makes it more difficult to get out.

People who grew up in toxic homes tend to have more patience to stay in a toxic relationship. Physical and emotional harm are normal to them, that they tend to imitate the actions done by an abused parent or sibling, without even realizing they’re doing it. What’s more disturbing is that they believe they deserve to be hurt and that no one will ever accept them again because of their past.

What they must realize is they do have a choice, so they can get out and stay out of toxic relationships. Low self-esteem, depression and desperation are the tendencies for people who stay in such relationship. They do need something to encourage them to stand up and get their life back. They must realize that it’s not their fault and they have a choice to walk away and live a better life.

For some people, joining therapy groups works to redefine and move away from these terrible relationships. There are some people who were able to maneuver the situation, put an end to the vicious cycle of toxic relationships, and form a new and far more healthier bond. This can happen to you, all you have to do is to make a choice.

On the other hand, some were able to patch the things up and stay in the relationship. It’s true that most relationships can be saved, it takes a little space though, and an ample time to heal. It sometimes needs counseling. To be able to renew the bonds in a healthy way, both should make an effort. Both must decide, do they want to renew what they have and improve it or walk away.

Liberating oneself from the dependency is they key to start asserting what you need from the connection. Do not put the blame to the other. Instead say “I need your support,” “I need your love,” or “I need your truthful opinion.” If the other person is not responsive, you should be prepared to walk and move on with your life.

A healthy relationship is a two way street. A two way street doesn’t exist in a toxic relationship. We all do have the strength to put an end to it, all we have to do is to put that strength into our hands.

Companion? Yes, that we all need. However we should not sell ourselves short and let someone disrespects us. We all have cravings for companionship, but its not worth staying in toxic relationships, lowering our standards of what love is supposed to be.

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5 Responses to “Manifestations That You’re In A Toxic Relationship You Didn’t Know – Until Now”

  1. Dawn on May 13th, 2009 4:45 pm

    Sound advice. Nice post … from a woman whose lived the unhealthy relationship life. Never again.

    Glad I found you on Twitter! You’re a great writer on subject matter that really needs spoken about.

  2. Control Issues In Toxic Relationships | getexbackmagic.com on August 25th, 2009 6:07 pm

    [...] should act and by saying bad things about you in front of others. In my last article, I covered the manifestations of toxic relationships, and what you’ve been experiencing are clues that you’re in one right now. There are so [...]

  3. rek on December 25th, 2009 4:43 am

    It’s not always the man. OK?

  4. Brett on January 18th, 2010 7:47 am

    I’m in a toxic relationship and I can identify certain aspects of it from both sides, What I don’t know is how much of my behaviour is toxic, and how much is a response to my partners tantrums.

    My partner has had low self esteem issues since long before I met her and going through the list of symptoms, I’d have to say I identify her behaviour in many of them.

    I’ve found many times when she has been verbally abusing me, running me down and saying nasty things to me. I will get angry and say something back that relates to the cause of her self esteem and causes her pain. Immediately afterwards I feel a great sense of guilt and I end up taking responsibility for everything and apologising, even when I feel I’m not solely to blame

    Is it normal to respond in anger to these situations, or is my anger unfounded and is it myself that is the cause of these problems. I am basically a happy adjusted person who performs well in the work environment and I have no problem working and interacting with other people.

    My partner is always seeking sympathy and relies on the opinion of other people for her self worth, We met when I was under difficult finacial circumstances and she was very kind and helped me out a great deal, doing a little shopping for me when she came to visit ect… But now she keeps throwing this back at me and making me feel guilty. I appreciate everything she had done, but at the time had i known she was keeping tabs, I would have refused her help.

    I really need to understand if it’s her behaviour that is causing me to respond negatively or lose my temper, or if it’s me that has the problem. is it normal for healthy adjusted people tpo respond to toxic people on their own level? or am I as much to blame as her? Any help in this matter would be greatly appreciated.

  5. Candice on January 26th, 2010 4:24 am

    Hi Brett,

    It’s possible to set responsibility to any situation even if you feel it’s partly someone else’s fault but at the end of the day
    you can only take so much responsibility yourself. Also, being guilty or acting guilty, by taking responsibility can be seen as weakness and this can be highly unattractive.

    Maybe it will be worthwhile to address, what sounds like, why your partner may have this confidence issues and evaluating if this is something under your control or could never be under your control.

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