Manifestations That You’re In A Toxic Relationship You Didn’t Know – Until Now
Dear Candice,
I’ve been to a really rough relationship, it was toxic, really unhealthy that my partner turned to an abusive one. I really want to avoid that kind of relationship, I don’t want to be in the same scenario ever again. I am now exclusively dating someone, what are the red flags of a potentially abusive or toxic relationship that I should watch? — Noreen
Dear Noreen,
Many people suffer from an unhealthy relationship. More often than not, if you are in the middle of a toxic relationship, you are too preoccupied to see how detrimental the relationship is for you and your boyfriend’s self-respect. Other people may ask you why choose to stay in the relationship and that your boyfriend is not good for you. Sometimes, you feel your boyfriend loves you, convinced that disagreements do happen in a relationship. However, most of the time, you feel down for being neglected and you can’t seem to understand what’s going on.
You can tell that you’re in a toxic relationship if:
- Your partner puts you down (verbally) in front of other.
- While your partner says they love you, their actions don’t back it up.
- Your thoughts, opinions, accomplishments, or words are devalued.
- Your partner tries to make you dependent on them.
- Your partner makes you feel unattractive or stupid that you have changed things about yourself to please them.
Being around with toxic people is really not a good feeling, so how one can possibly stay in a toxic relationship? How can one choose to stay with someone who’s abusive and does nothing but harm, physically or emotionally?
Like any other problems in life, a toxic relationship has a cycle. First stage, the honeymoon period, then tensions build up… blow up, then agree for a recon and then over again. One has to put an end to it, if not, bad things will happen over and over again that makes it more difficult to get out.
People who grew up in toxic homes tend to have more patience to stay in a toxic relationship. Physical and emotional harm are normal to them, that they tend to imitate the actions done by an abused parent or sibling, without even realizing they’re doing it. What’s more disturbing is that they believe they deserve to be hurt and that no one will ever accept them again because of their past.
What they must realize is they do have a choice, so they can get out and stay out of toxic relationships. Low self-esteem, depression and desperation are the tendencies for people who stay in such relationship. They do need something to encourage them to stand up and get their life back. They must realize that it’s not their fault and they have a choice to walk away and live a better life.
For some people, joining therapy groups works to redefine and move away from these terrible relationships. There are some people who were able to maneuver the situation, put an end to the vicious cycle of toxic relationships, and form a new and far more healthier bond. This can happen to you, all you have to do is to make a choice.
On the other hand, some were able to patch the things up and stay in the relationship. It’s true that most relationships can be saved, it takes a little space though, and an ample time to heal. It sometimes needs counseling. To be able to renew the bonds in a healthy way, both should make an effort. Both must decide, do they want to renew what they have and improve it or walk away.
Liberating oneself from the dependency is they key to start asserting what you need from the connection. Do not put the blame to the other. Instead say “I need your support,” “I need your love,” or “I need your truthful opinion.” If the other person is not responsive, you should be prepared to walk and move on with your life.
A healthy relationship is a two way street. A two way street doesn’t exist in a toxic relationship. We all do have the strength to put an end to it, all we have to do is to put that strength into our hands.
Companion? Yes, that we all need. However we should not sell ourselves short and let someone disrespects us. We all have cravings for companionship, but its not worth staying in toxic relationships, lowering our standards of what love is supposed to be.
11 Responses to “Manifestations That You’re In A Toxic Relationship You Didn’t Know – Until Now”
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Sound advice. Nice post … from a woman whose lived the unhealthy relationship life. Never again.
Glad I found you on Twitter! You’re a great writer on subject matter that really needs spoken about.
[...] should act and by saying bad things about you in front of others. In my last article, I covered the manifestations of toxic relationships, and what you’ve been experiencing are clues that you’re in one right now. There are so [...]
It’s not always the man. OK?
I’m in a toxic relationship and I can identify certain aspects of it from both sides, What I don’t know is how much of my behaviour is toxic, and how much is a response to my partners tantrums.
My partner has had low self esteem issues since long before I met her and going through the list of symptoms, I’d have to say I identify her behaviour in many of them.
I’ve found many times when she has been verbally abusing me, running me down and saying nasty things to me. I will get angry and say something back that relates to the cause of her self esteem and causes her pain. Immediately afterwards I feel a great sense of guilt and I end up taking responsibility for everything and apologising, even when I feel I’m not solely to blame
Is it normal to respond in anger to these situations, or is my anger unfounded and is it myself that is the cause of these problems. I am basically a happy adjusted person who performs well in the work environment and I have no problem working and interacting with other people.
My partner is always seeking sympathy and relies on the opinion of other people for her self worth, We met when I was under difficult finacial circumstances and she was very kind and helped me out a great deal, doing a little shopping for me when she came to visit ect… But now she keeps throwing this back at me and making me feel guilty. I appreciate everything she had done, but at the time had i known she was keeping tabs, I would have refused her help.
I really need to understand if it’s her behaviour that is causing me to respond negatively or lose my temper, or if it’s me that has the problem. is it normal for healthy adjusted people tpo respond to toxic people on their own level? or am I as much to blame as her? Any help in this matter would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Brett,
It’s possible to set responsibility to any situation even if you feel it’s partly someone else’s fault but at the end of the day
you can only take so much responsibility yourself. Also, being guilty or acting guilty, by taking responsibility can be seen as weakness and this can be highly unattractive.
Maybe it will be worthwhile to address, what sounds like, why your partner may have this confidence issues and evaluating if this is something under your control or could never be under your control.
I have a child from my previous marriage. When I first met my bf, he was a little concern being a father figure to my child. But we continued to date but then I kept trying to break up with him because I think he was fooling around because my gut keep feeling that way. He always denied it until one day last year I caught him chatting on multiple online dating sites. He apologized for that and said want to try to work things out with me. I tried to forgive him but it was too hard. I gave him my love and trust but then I couldn’t gain it back. I fought with him continuously after that and found my gut is always true to me. Another thing we fought about was that he never introduced me to his family and friends. I know he is not married because his family lived only 20 mins from me. After 2 1/2 years, he wasn’t introducing me, we broke off. I couldn’t handle it anymore so can he. I said meant things to him like he was not a man to stand by his words, broke his promises, etc… I never cursed at him but everything was very direct based on my pain what he should have done as a man. He said very hurtful things back to me. We always got back and we would apology to each other. I felt our relationship was unhealthy and not right. I told him so and I want to improve on that. We both are mature, educated adults and also good looking. He knows that but he could never seem to able to introduce me to his family. I think it is very disrespectful that he has toward me. We broke up after a long talk because I couldn’t talk it anymore after 2 1/2 years. By the way, he is 2 years young than me and never been married. I think he was just hold on to me until find someone else to replace me. He knows that I am loyal and have many people ready to date me. I think he was afraid to lose me but also not ready to be committed to me. I don’t like guy who has one foot in and one foot out. I told him to go leave and he left. We broke up just like that.
Now, it has been a week. I did not talk to him. He said me a email to apology that he is not a good man to me but I didn’t response back. I still love this person. Not sure why. I keep asking myself that. He always hide our relationship and at to this point, I am no longer happy to be with him. If I think that I will see him again, my blood would boil up. I want to move on but it is so painful. I truly love this man so much but what he did to me, I don’t deserve any of it and he knows that. He apology for what he did but I could no longer want to talk to him. Can I ever able to move on after this painful love? I was not build to just walk out and forget everything. I tried to put my life purpose back together but I feel so lost. Please help
My husband is constantly putting me down. He gets mad and picks up things and acts like he is going to throw them at me. 3/4 pf the time he does…i used to just get upset and cry or argue…now I just get violent….I’m not even close to being his strength level and in the end I get the brunt of everything. It’s about every 2 weeks and then it’s like we wake up and it’s a new day….I can’t live like this anymore…..He spit in my face because i was laughing athimbecause he was acting crazy trying to find something…..does this cycle ever break? Can people change,,,,we quit drinking, are in counseling individually and have a minister come once weekly for guidance and GODS want for a christian marriage…..I really don’t want to leave but I have to….I’ve signed a lease….me and the four kids ar leaving…..just wish it didn’t have to be this way..he has so much potential and I see the good..it’s just so far buried downing his anger that it’s not much to want to find anymore, any advice…divorce is the last thing I want but it just keeps getting worse
It may seem like your life as you know it is over but the good news is that when time and space allow you to heal over your lose, you have much more to gain. Like true love. That comes from within. Love yourself and slowly but certainly surely that frown and tears and sorrow will become a smile and peace and joy. I just got out of a toxic relationship… The second one in my life time and tried for so long to get him to love me. Wow… I am still in shock when I think back on all I sacrificed to please him.. Never thinking about my feelings and what was important to me. Now I am grateful for the awakening I have experienced while breaking away from him. I am back to that peaceful person I was born as. And am carrying a smile, peace , joy and LOVE everywhere I go . It gets better…hang in there. Peace and love…from a rose that cares
After reading this I have realised just how toxic my marriage is.I have struggled with this relationship from early days before we were married and have excused a lot of bad behaviour as cultural differences.I am in an inter-racial relationship.However,I don’t really think it really has much to do with different cultural expectations but the kind of people we are.In that I do take some responibility for attaching myself so much to someone who is clearly not good for me and being too needy in needing to be loved that its just created dependency.He has always been subject to temper tantrums,often over the most trivial things and sometimes has a public display of anger,including shouting and whacking me on the arm and generally quite shocking random behaviour.I now tread egg shells and never know when the next bout of temper will arise.I actually feel anxious and afraid and find myself trying to keep things on an even keel to avoid another explosion.He appears to be very polite and mild mannered in front of my friends and family,but not with me.He ignores me most of the time and there is little conversation and less laughter.He doesnt like me bringing friends to the house so I go out when I need space to breathe.He has become v dependant on me to do everything for him since he was new to this country and I find little time for myself or if I get time im too tired.We don’t do anything together apart from work and occasional holiday where again there is no conversation and a brooding feeling that the ice may crack at a moment and some scene will unfold.In the past he had an affair and I nearly left him then but couldnt as he begged me to stay.Now he has his own business here and i am financially dependent on him.I realise patterns of behaviour arise from childhood and we were both subjects of violent childhoods.Now I just feel strangely sad and flat.The other night,I had an incredible urge to hurt myself somehow I have no idea why and this is not usual for me.It was a bit frightening.My self-esteem is at an all time low and at 40 I feel that part of my life is over.Certainly the thoughts of having children(although a bit late)with someone like this feels like one route to a huge trap.I sometimes wonder if he is a bit mentally ill as he treats me in a maternal way at times,i.e its my responsibility to make sure his life goes according to plan even at my own detriment,and he speaks in an infantile voice in order to get affection of me.Im tired of moaning at my friends about it all and im sure its a real drag for them.I dont know where to go from here but he now wants us to sell my property and move together into a bigger house.I just cant see a way out.Its black in here.
Hi Andrea,
Here’s my reply to you http://getexbackmagic.com/interracial-relationships-misunderstanding-or-plain-old-abuse/.
Your friend,
Curtis
Help it seems like I’m losing myself as this woman defines me as she see me, have not been right since, it started off cool so i thought but it was right there art the start. Silly oh me just wanted to be loved, stressing really bad now it seem like we just pick at faults now and so on. HEEEEEEElp!!!!!! Don’t want to be just tolerated.