Toxic Relationship Signs

January 7, 2012 | Leave a Comment

Dear Candice,

How do you know when or if a relationship is toxic? What are the signs? How long does it typically take to figure it out? I mean, I know as you are just getting to know someone there will be questions, issues, speed bumps, etc….but at what point do you just realize things aren’t what they should be? ~ Amanda

Dear Amanda,

This is a really tricky question. Not only is this extremely difficult to answer because I don’t definitely know what you describe as “toxic”, but also because different people can handle different things, and need different things. To start off, I would just say as a blanket statement that if the relationship you are in (any kind) makes you feel any sort of uncomfortable ( HUGE range of emotions) for more than 20% of your time, then it is not worth it.

Being in a relationship is complicated but by definition you are expected to compromise on things that you want, this is a given and there is no way getting around it. The difficulty therein lies in how much and what you are compromising to be with this person. Any kind of physical or verbal abuse is unacceptable. This is not debatable, and there is no reason to “classify” what qualifies as verbal or physical abuse. If the person you are with makes you feel unsafe in any way, you need to let them go as soon as you can. I would argue that abuse is the highest level of “toxic”, and again, I have no idea what you consider toxic, or what you are personally going through, but this is true for everyone.

With that said, being in a so-called toxic relationship does not necessarily mean that there is any real significant clue that you can directly pinpoint. There may be as you said, speed bumps and disagreements that can add up to a bigger, insurmountable problem. I would suggest that the rule of thumb in any relationship you find yourself in, is asking yourself the right question, and answering yourself truthfully.

For example , if you have had the same fight for whatever reason more than three times, ask yourself what is the real problem that is stimulating the argument. Once you can clearly define the crux of the problem, the next step is to ask yourself how you would like to fix it. Identifying a solution is often difficult and unrewarding because once you have one, you need to discuss it with your partner. I am going to assume they do not like the plan you come up with, which brings you back to another question: Why don’t they like it? Identifying his needs in relation to yours is critical and necessary in every fight, disagreement, and argument. Understanding the driving forces in each other’s character is the only way to determine whether you can compromise or if you are in fact not that compatible. If you discover that what he wants is something you are really not willing to sacrifice, then I would say you have found yourself in an unhealthy, or “toxic”, relationship.

As for the length of time, I am sorry to tell you that there is no measurable statistics on this. You are your own person, learn to know what you can and will not do or tolerate. The best part of a relationship is not only getting to know someone else, but also getting to know yourself. Take this opportunity to discover what you want out of yourself, your life, and your partner, and be sure to clearly define what you are definitely not willing to give up, whether that is religion, certain foods, or shower privileges. Everyone is allowed to be themselves, and if you are with someone who is constantly trying to modify you, that is what I consider toxic.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Dating, Problems in Relationship, Relationship