When You Want Your Boyfriend Back, Who Should You Be Listening To?

December 1, 2008 | Leave a Comment

Dear Candice,

I want my boyfriend back. But don’t know what to do right now. My bestfriend told me not to, while my sister thought that if I really think my relationship deserve a second chance, i can take him back. I really don’t know what to do. Shall I just listen to my heart and don’t let other opinions spoil it? Please help, I’m almost over the edge. – Vivian (San Diego, CA)

Dear Vivian,

Everyone seems to have an opinion for you in the aftermath of your break up, that’s understandable. Most people you know would like to give you friendly advice, and it is beginning to stack up and the more of it you hear, the more confused you become. At a time like this, who should you be listening to?

I’ve been in the situation too. One friend told me that I’m better off without my ex and that I should try going out on a double date with her and her boyfriend’s colleague. Another friend says that she’s been through this before and that I’ll start to feel better in time. My mom told me to get over it in a hurry and not to let one bad experience with one guy waste so much of my time. My little brother, yes even my younger brother, he wants me to get together with my ex because my ex was his basketball buddy. I have another acquaintance who told me to do whatever it takes to get him back immediately, just to prove that I can. There are a lot of opinions out there. And yes, the more we expose ourselves to them… the harder it gets to decide.

That’s right, it’s time to start tuning out all of the outside wisdom and to look into your heart for direction. A thorough and completely honest self-assessment of the situation is more likely to yield an appropriate series of answers than anything you will hear from those around you. This is the time to use a tried and true cliché… the time to listen to your heart.

There’s no other person in the world, but you, who understands the nature and depth of your feelings for ex boyfriend. No one, but you, knows how the relationship made you feel. There is no one better-situated to interpret the context of your relationship and the events that may have led up to your break up. These are the obvious reasons why you should trust your own judgment as you think about whether or not to get your ex boyfriend back. After all, there’s only one person who can make the decision. That person is you.

Some outside advice will make you feel better… temporarily. Others can be helpful and will give you perspective or new ways to look at the situation. It can’t, however, answer the big questions for you. So, as nice as it would be to have someone come forward with all the answers, the only person who can really help you is you.

If the end result is a decision to leave the relationship behind, so be it. If, on the other way around, your heart is screaming out loud for you to take action, it is time for you to listen. It’s time to take action and get your ex boyfriend back. It’s also an absolute time for some soul-searching. You need to thoroughly think about the situation and pay close attention to what your heart is telling you.

You might be able to find a gist of wisdom in everyone’s perspective. However, in the end there is only one person whose counsel you should heed. The person who best understands your feelings, the nature of your relationship, and what is really best for you. No one else… but you.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Breakup, Relationship 

Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back Can Be An Empowering Act

November 14, 2008 | Leave a Comment

Dear Candice,

I started dating this guy three months ago. Our relationship went well over a couple of months. But all of a sudden, he seems to be not interested anymore. He’s not returning my calls. And now, he totally pulled away. I want to get him back but I don’t have all the guts of doing so. I’m not conservative but i guess not that too liberated as well. I don’t know what to do now. Need help.  -  Karla (San Francisco, CA)

Dear Karla,

It is true that trying to convince a man to rebuild a broken relationship or even the idea of a woman going after a man, might seem unusual with our more feminist instincts. It is something like a gal bending over backwards for a guy that rubs a lot of us the wrong way, there is really something about this notion. Chasing after your ex boyfriend might seem a little inconsistent with what you usually consider liberating or empowering behavior.

You are in doubt because you probably do not know yet your reasons for getting him back. If you’re afteryour ex because you’re afraid to be without a man or because you feel like you simply must have that security blanket of a boyfriend, the criticisms do hold some weight. In reality, though, getting your ex boyfriend back in your life can be an empowering act. It’s all a matter of motivation.

It is indeed an empowering act if your reason to get him back is that you believe that the two of you are good together. Getting your ex back can also be emporing if you want to get him back because you have decided that you don’t need to be fate’s doormat. Getting your ex back can be an impressive display or emotional strength and determination, worthy of respect and adoration.

There’s nothing positive or strong about being sad, moping, and accepting the loss of something that you could get back if you wanted to do so. If you really want to get your ex boyfriend back, there’s nothing more smart and liberating than taking action. Take action to solve the undesirable break up.

Women who take action to get their guys back share a few things in common. They have the guts to take a difficult situation along the way. They have the power of their convictions and demonstrate a willingness to take a stand for something that really matters to them. They challenge the conventional idea of the “weak girl”, thus demonstrating that their action-oriented approach is a powerful way of reaching their goals.

Those things sound empowering to me. If you think about it, it’s probably one of the more empowering things a woman can do. And you can do this too Karla, for your own happiness and for the man that is worth fighting for.

You see, it isn’t so much a matter of “chasing after a guy” or trying to do whatever it takes to appeal to a man. When you consider the context and the stakes, it seems silly to worry if you’re reinforcing some sort of societal perspective about the nature of relationships. What really matters is making yourself happy. That might just involve doing what it takes to get back together. Remember, this is about love and your future.

If you want your ex boyfriend back, go get him. Rebuilding the relationship is cetainly not that easy, but possible… undoubtedly by meaningful and empowering actions. If the only thing stopping you from going after your ex is some vague sense that you’d be selling yourself out or humiliating yourself by chasing a guy, you must think again. This could be the kind of bold move generally reserved for the strongest people.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Breakup, Relationship 

Breaking Up Isn’t Necessarily Forever – Get Your Ex Back

October 28, 2008 | 1 Comment

Dear Candice,

My boyfriend for 2 years gave up on our relationship for some reasons that I can’t understand. I gave him the space that he needs and it’s been 3 months now. I really can’t understand how a person that you’ve loved so much for years can just dumped you just like that. I’m sad. And I want him back. I just don’t know if i can do it.  – Kristina, 25 (Los Angeles, CA)

Dear Kristina,

If you want to get your ex-boyfriend back, you certainly can do it. It’s fine to take a break from your relationship at one point. But it doesn’t need to be forever. It can be arduous to deal with your break up. But this break up can be temporary. In one way or another, dealing with the change in life circumstances is difficult. It is hard to deal with the disappointment and massive stew of emotions that inevitably tags along with parting ways situation.

Your break up is like a massive cloud, that looking for the silver lining can be really hard for you. When things are gray and dreary like this, everything looks a little ugly and it’s agitating to suddenly realize that a relationship you wanted to continue is now gone. Although these emotions are valid, it’s also completely unnecessary.

Yes what you are dealing right now is not necessary, you might doubt that proposition. You might be surrounded with people telling you that its just right to feel the hurt and there’s nothing you can do about that but to endure and accept. But I’m telling you right now that this is not the case. You might also feel as if you’re stuck in a new life that simply won’t involve your boyfriend anymore. Again, this is not the case. If you’re willing to consider it for a few moments, I can prove that break ups don’t need to be permanent.

Do me a favor, take a minute to reflect on the people you know who have successful relationships. Take an ample time to think of as many couples as you can. Now, go through that list. How many of those relationships experienced really turbulent times or significant difficulties at some point? How many of the people on your list broke up at one time or another, only to come back to one another later?

By doing this you’ll soon realize that almost every successful relationship had rough patches, and you are just like them. All of those people you know, who seem to have the most stable and wonderful romances, went through dreary and gray days. Just like what you’re going through right now. Those people that you know made a comeback. Their break ups weren’t permanent, they were only part of a process that has led to success. There’s certainly no reason whatsoever to think that you can’t have a similar success story in your life.

You said that you want your ex boyfriend back. If you do, you can make it happen. There are countless real-life examples that prove that point beyond any shadow of a doubt. There’s nothing so strange or outlandish about your situation that it somehow works under a different set of rules.

Break ups aren’t always permanent. In fact, you could go so far as to say that breaking up is basically optional. All it takes is one person, yes just one person, who wants to revive the relationship. If that person is willing to take appropriate action, absolutely saving the relationship is possible.

Now let me ask you once again? Do you really want your ex boyfriend back? If you do, it’s time to be the person who takes action. It’s time to find that silver lining, not matter how massive the cloud is, and to allow it to inspire you to do something. If you’re ready for that, it’s about time to get your man back.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Breakup, Relationship