Can I Get My Ex Back After Changing Myself?
December 23, 2011 | Leave a Comment
Dear Curtis,
I’m 95% sure the reason my ex ended things is because I was way too into the physical aspects and not very into the emotional aspects of a relationship, basically a friends with benefits relationship.
Anyways, it’s been a month and half since she ended things and the last I heard from her was 2 weeks ago on my birthday when she sent me a birthday text. About a month ago I suggested lunch or coffee as friends and she said “yeah we’ll make it happen in a few weeks
”. I’ve never heard from her about lunch so I’m assuming she’s busy …??
I moved back home for the quarter to quit drinking and be more financially responsible. I’ve lost 25 pounds since she saw me last and am feeling like my old self. I used to be good boyfriend material and then when I moved into a fraternity I turned into a bit of a douche. I’ve got 4 months of solitude to fix myself and be a good guy again.
Is it possible to get her back if she see’s I’ve changed? Don’t criticize me and tell me I won’t change because I’ve already made tremendous progress. Been sober for a month, got my diet perfect and have been to the gym 5 days a week. ~ Daniel
Dear Daniel,
I think people are incredibly capable of change. Usually, the greatest and most positive change happens when people do it for themselves and not for others, and I think (and hope) this is the case with you. I commend you on the improvements that you’ve made in your life, but what’s best is that you yourself can see and appreciate those changes and the positive effects they have generated. You have made those changes for you and only you, not for your ex. Because of that, even if she doesn’t want you back, those improvements are there to last. You know that you’ve changed yourself for the better and whichever partner you’ll have in the future will appreciate you for everything you’ve become, even if she won’t. It doesn’t change the fact that you’ve taken your experience with her, learned from it, and transformed yourself into a better person because of it.
With respect to being close physically but emotionally distant, it’s a problem for many people. Being intimate emotionally can make people feel vulnerable or uncomfortable, especially when they’ve been hurt or rejected in the past. In order to have a meaningful and long-lasting relationship, though, you have to trust the other person enough to open up to them and be close with them emotionally. (The question is if that is the type of relationship you want at the moment; if a meaningful and long-lasting relationship isn’t for you right now, then there’s no harm as long as all parties involved are aware of the circumstances and what it means to be in that kind of situation.)
Also, enjoying the physical aspects of relationship isn’t at all a bad thing. Romantic relationships often work a lot better when there exists a physical—usually sexual—attraction between the two partners. (If that sexual attraction isn’t present, that relationship is most commonly called friendship.) However, cherishing the sexual and physical parts of a relationship is different than focusing on them. It’s fairly obvious to most people that a long-lasting relationship should be based on more than physical attraction; there needs to be emotional attraction too. With that emotional attraction comes the real reason for relationships: intimacy and openness and honesty and genuine love.
As far as whether she’d be willing to take you back, that’s up to her. She’ll most likely need to be convinced that you’ve changed to believe it. So show her. Be the best you can be and prove to her that you’re different than you were before. If you’ve made the changes like you said you have, it shouldn’t be difficult at all. If she wants to be with you then she will be; if she doesn’t, then nothing you do will be enough to convince her and that’s neither your fault nor your problem.
But regardless of whether she takes you back or not, you’ll know you made those changes to last. And if she’s too hurt or too disconnected to see that then it’s her loss, and you’ll know for the next partner what to do and what not to do—because you’ve learned and changed and matured. So even if she doesn’t want you back anymore, you can thank her and be confident in the fact that in the future, someone else will appreciate everything you have worked so hard to become.
Broke His Heart, He Moved On, Can I Get Him Back?
November 30, 2011 | Leave a Comment
Dear Curtis,
I dated this guy for 3 years, he treated me like a princess, never denied his love for me, tried and tried and tried to please me but I was a spoiled brat. I’ve always loved him, and I did but I was always stubborn to make myself vulnerable so I always broke up with him and told him to move on and told him I don’t see us having a future together. He persisted for 3 years, we basically lived as if we were going out but I went on some dates, kissed a few guys, and slept with one guy when I was drunk and regretted it so much. I told him every time these things happened and I was trully sorry, he forgave me but it forever tainted his trust in me. It drove him crazy cuz he was always afraid it would happen again, and he thought it meant I didn’t love him. He never touched a girl for 3 years.
He told me he was moving on about a month ago, I freaked out and begged him to give me another chance. He said ok lets be friends and see what happens. Where is this leading to? And what can I do to bring his love and trust back? ~ Melissa
Dear Melissa,
It sounds to me like he’s giving you one last chance to prove yourself. He may have already moved on or maybe you’ve broken his trust too many times for him to ever be able to fully give his heart to you again, but you’ll never be sure until you try. And if you really do love him, you won’t be able not to try.
The way I see it, he isn’t looking for you to say or do anything that will fix what has happened; there’s no way to change the past. What’s done is done and cannot be undone, but you can still control your future. A dramatic gesture of apology or a promise to stay true to him won’t make any difference if he doesn’t trust you, and trust can’t be rebuilt overnight. It takes time. If you really want to build his trust again, you have to commit to him and keep your word every single day for the rest of your time with him. And in all honesty, there’s no other way around it.
Over time, he will notice your devotion and eventually begin to trust you again. Depending on all that has transpired between you two, this may take weeks or months or even years, and any one mistake on your part may easily cause him to remember all the times he’s been wronged by you. Because of this, he might test the waters a bit and see how much you’ve changed and how trustworthy you are by opening up to you bit by bit and observing your reactions. If you wrong him again, he’ll pull back and you’ll be one step closer to losing him. If you appreciate what he offers you and stay true to him, he’ll give you a little more to work with the next time.
You have to remember, though, that it doesn’t happen instantly; it’s a long process and you have to stay on the right track. If you really love him, regaining his trust shouldn’t be a problem because you would do almost anything to never again hurt him like you did in the past. Thinking about your situation with him in that may might help you gauge what to do and what not to do: just consider how it will affect him and his feelings toward you. As long as you remain honest, faithful, and loving, you’ll be fine.
Why Consider Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back
February 23, 2009 | 2 Comments
Dear Candice,
My boyfriend for almost a year recently ended our relationship. I tried to save the relationship, but he keeps on telling me that he has to sort things out first. Shall I still consider getting him back? — Veronica
Dear Veronica,
Your relationship came to a screeching halt. You had a nice thing going on but your relationship finally came to a painful and frustrating situation – break up. Sure, you’ll find the situation sort of ugly. The more you want to save the relationship the harder it gets to keep. You’ve been trying to hold a wagon to stay one piece but the wheels keep falling of it. It can be the very rocky times of your life now that it’s over and you can’t believe that you spent all that time and emotion only to lose it in the end.
So, why do you want your ex boyfriend back? Wouldn’t it be easier to just consider this chapter of your life closed and to move on to some proverbial greener pasture? What could conceivably motivate you after all of the agony and hurt to even make getting your ex boyfriend back as an option??
You might say: Yikes! Some of you would say: No way! When we put it in those terms, the thought of getting your ex back doesn’t sound that attractive, does it? Good thing there’s a bigger perspective on your relationship that can conjure up positive images that easily overshadow any potential problems you may be experiencing related to the break up. A different approach to look at things. , More often than not, this alternative perspective gives you all the reason why you should consider getting your ex boyfriend back.
Now, let me tell you some of the positive alternative perspectives:
Love is just too valuable to ignore. You owe it to yourself to go after your ex if you think the love of your life is walking away. We like to pose as though old-school romanticism is something of a thing from the past, however, we know that real love does exist and that it’s very special. You simply can’t just missed out on a great chance of love. If your heart is yelling at you, it won’t be fair to ignore it for. It does make sense to get your ex back if it can drown out the tears and screams of anguish.
Creating even more meaningful relationship is possible. If you feel like the break up was a bad idea and that there’s a lot of potential left in the idea of the two of you being together, it’s possible to look past the ugliness of a break up. Focus on the potential advantages of getting him back in your life instead.
Optimism is better than dwelling. If there’s something special in your relationship, in one way or another, it will maneuver its own way to get into you no matter how hard you try to ignore it. Keep in mind that things don’t get better if no one took the time to deal with it. If you feel that things can get better and that you can make the relationship work, that optimism can be much more interesting than dwelling on the past and its less beautiful moments.
You get to make a choice. Would you rather deal with regret and suffering or would you prefer to get your ex boyfriend back? That decision is yours to make. A classic “the glass is half empty/half full” situation, indeed. There’s a lot of pain to go around these days, but there is even more potential for something meaningful to happen.
How Hard Is It To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
December 10, 2008 | Leave a Comment
Dear Candice,
I am currently in pursuit of my ex. Of course, it was hard to broke up with him. But what’s more harder is to convince him rebuild our relationship. What about making up? Why rebuilding a relationship after a break up difficult? – Dynah
Dear Dynah,
There are a lot of possible circumstances and answers to your questions. However, there are few general observations we can make about the difficulty involved in rebuilding a relationship. Those questions defy easy answers for the obvious reason that individual circumstances can be radically different. A sudden break up in a diversely healthy relationship, for instance, is a far cry from an extended period apart between two people who didn’t yet know each other that well.
You’ve experienced how hard it is to get your ex boyfriend back. But it probably isn’t as hard as you might think! In fact, it might be easier than you’d imagine.
Look, there’s no way around it. Getting back together with an ex is going to require some major effort. Something was happening that led the two of you quit. Your break up didn’t materialize magically out of thin air, even if it feels that way. Whatever that was, it will create a barrier you’ll need to bowled-over. You really can’t just hope to snap your fingers and have him back at your side again instantly. You definitely can’t get your ex back overnight. You might not even get him at your first try.
That is because the human heart and mind aren’t impossible to understand. And they are also complicated enough to defy magically quick solutions. Thus, putting forth an effort to get him back is what you need. This is bad news, but you do not need to worry though. Because good news comes in two-fold.
The first good news it that it won’t be as hard as you might think. As long as you’re willing to take action and to follow good advice, you can probably get your ex back much more quickly and with greater ease than you might imagine. The getting back together process is very time-consuming and difficult sometimes. However, it is relatively fast and painless for others. In almost all cases, though, it is possible.
The second good news is that the benefits of getting back together make the effort worthwhile. The time and energy you’ll spend can be the greatest personal investment of your life. The pay off is an enormous thing that it makes any level of effort completely worthwhile. If you believe in your heart that the two of you are special and that your relationship definitely deserves a second chance, the odds are that the advantages of being together will swamp the annoyances of getting over the break up.
So, how hard is it to get your boyfriend back? Will it be really hard? Perhaps, perhaps not. It will require some effort. Overall, though, it probably will be easier than you think and the advantages will make the process of getting your boyfriend back well worth your time and energy.
You May Not Succeed At First Try But You Can Still Get Him Back
December 9, 2008 | 1 Comment
Dear Candice,
I tried to win back my ex. A few weeks after our breakup I realized that breaking up with him is not good for both of us. So I tried to call him but didn’t get any response. So I then decided to send an email. I apologized and told him my intentions to fix the relationship and make up. He sent a note back: “I’m sorry, but no.” I just can’t let this happen, is there another way to win him back? – Karina
Dear Karina,
It might take some time and it will probably take some real effort to win him back. It’s easy to make an effort to get your ex back. However, you may not be able to get him back with a snap of the fingers.
Been through the situation. And it’s really hard to take “no” as an answer. The breakup has left me more than a little upset. But then, someone told me the good news – that I can still bring him back to my side if I really want to do so. Didn’t get it the first try. But then I tried again. Now, we’re back together. So here’s my advice – Try again.
Getting an ex boyfriend back isn’t that rare and it really isn’t that complicated. If you’re prepared to combine a will to take action with a smart plan to rebuild your relationship, it’s completely possible to make things right again.
Some women, after giving their first shot and did not get a good response, ended up waiting. Most of them mourn and they wish something else would happen. It is true that love can find a way, but it needs a little shove if it’s going to do so. Your willingness to take action is that shove. Your inaction will be the number one killer of your potentially wonderful relationship. Don’t just sit on your hands, take a stand for your love instead.
Some people are lucky enough to go from breaking up back to making up in the blink of an eye. Those people, however, are exceptions to the rule. In most cases, getting an ex boyfriend back is going to require some consistent effort and a bit of time. Sometimes, that first short phone call, email or visit is enough to bring you back together with him.
There can be a lot of setbacks. It might feel as though you aren’t making any progress. What are you supposed to do when you are pouring your heart into getting him back and nothing is working?
The general answer, which is applicable to almost every woman trying to get back together with an ex boyfriend is this – keep trying. However, the exact answer to that question will depend on individual circumstances of course.
You weren’t able to pull it off on the first day. You may even won’t succeed at the second or the third. But you will succeed if you’re using the right approach and are willing to keep pushing forward. You don’t need to accept your break up if you know it’s the wrong thing to do. You can keep plugging along until that great day when you finally get your boyfriend back for good. It can be the most challenging days of your life, but definitely worth trying.
If your relationship is meaningful to you and you believe that true love is at stake, you owe it to yourself to keep trying. You can’t just quit if you know in your heart that the two of you are meant to be with one another. You need to push past set backs and keep your eye on the goal of getting your boyfriend back.
Candice Garcia’s and Curtis Daniel’s Blog
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