Get Your Ex Back – Yes, The Past Does Matter!
November 21, 2008 | Leave a Comment
Dear Candice,
I seriously made a mistake so my boyfriend broke up with me. I tried to win him back but he’s reluctant and doesn’t appreciate my efforts. I’m starting to lose hope. The cause of our break up is really not good, will there be a way to get him back without making him flip out on me like this? – Joan (somewhere in Massachusetts)
Dear Joan,
I wish I could tell you that the cause and nature of your break up won’t play any single role in your ability to get your ex boyfriend back, that would be hypocrisy. There are really some things that might influnce your ability to re-start the relationship.
Yes, the past does matter. However, it doesn’t necessarily need to control your future. The nature of your break up will surely have an impact on what it will take to get your boyfriend back in your life. The good news is, no matter what caused your break up, there are ways to get your ex back.
We can’t escape our pasts, but it doesn’t mean that we have to be slaves to it. The past is history, you definitely can’t do anything to alter it. What you do now and into the future is what you can control, and that’s going to determine if you get him back or not.
As you undergo the process of trying to rebuild the partnership, it will be very difficult for your ex to instantly receive you with open arms. That’s particularly true if the break up is largely the outgrowth of some indiscretion or misbehavior on your part. That is also true if you’ve been untrustworthy, dishonest or uncaring in the relationship.
The nature of your relationship prior to the break up will also be relevant. If your ex boyfriend feels as he was always on the short end of the stick and feels that he’s not being well loved in return, it might be more difficult to rebuild the relationship. You must realize that sometimes a relationship is great for one person, and just average for the other. Some relationships are good for one party and horrible for the other.
It’s definitey understandable if a man is reluctant to get back together with a woman. This happens if his last interactions with your ex were something approximating vicious, thus causing him to hate you. And even if the break up didn’t stem from anything you did, it can still be tougher to get your ex boyfriend back, this happens if the parting was particularly nasty or ugly. It’s reasonable.
But then again, let me tell you that we don’t need to let the past govern our future. No matter what happened before, you can still get your ex boyfriend back. Yes, you might have to work harder to rebuild the relationship based on some aspects of your past, but you can still get back together with one another.
You can’t change what you did in the past. You’ve wounded someone’s heart… sure thing the wound will heal in time, but the scar will still remain. People can always forgive… but not all can forget. There’s no way to erase what happened “back then”, but what you do from today onwards is completely up to you! And that’s more important.
Everything that happened “before” will matter. The extent to which it matters will be determined by the details. Regardless, though, none of it can stand in your way. If you are completely convinced that you and your ex boyfriend need to take another chance and deserving of that love, there’s a way to make it happen. Stop worrying about the past and start working now to build a great future.
Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back Can Be An Empowering Act
November 14, 2008 | Leave a Comment
Dear Candice,
I started dating this guy three months ago. Our relationship went well over a couple of months. But all of a sudden, he seems to be not interested anymore. He’s not returning my calls. And now, he totally pulled away. I want to get him back but I don’t have all the guts of doing so. I’m not conservative but i guess not that too liberated as well. I don’t know what to do now. Need help. - Karla (San Francisco, CA)
Dear Karla,
It is true that trying to convince a man to rebuild a broken relationship or even the idea of a woman going after a man, might seem unusual with our more feminist instincts. It is something like a gal bending over backwards for a guy that rubs a lot of us the wrong way, there is really something about this notion. Chasing after your ex boyfriend might seem a little inconsistent with what you usually consider liberating or empowering behavior.
You are in doubt because you probably do not know yet your reasons for getting him back. If you’re afteryour ex because you’re afraid to be without a man or because you feel like you simply must have that security blanket of a boyfriend, the criticisms do hold some weight. In reality, though, getting your ex boyfriend back in your life can be an empowering act. It’s all a matter of motivation.
It is indeed an empowering act if your reason to get him back is that you believe that the two of you are good together. Getting your ex back can also be emporing if you want to get him back because you have decided that you don’t need to be fate’s doormat. Getting your ex back can be an impressive display or emotional strength and determination, worthy of respect and adoration.
There’s nothing positive or strong about being sad, moping, and accepting the loss of something that you could get back if you wanted to do so. If you really want to get your ex boyfriend back, there’s nothing more smart and liberating than taking action. Take action to solve the undesirable break up.
Women who take action to get their guys back share a few things in common. They have the guts to take a difficult situation along the way. They have the power of their convictions and demonstrate a willingness to take a stand for something that really matters to them. They challenge the conventional idea of the “weak girl”, thus demonstrating that their action-oriented approach is a powerful way of reaching their goals.
Those things sound empowering to me. If you think about it, it’s probably one of the more empowering things a woman can do. And you can do this too Karla, for your own happiness and for the man that is worth fighting for.
You see, it isn’t so much a matter of “chasing after a guy” or trying to do whatever it takes to appeal to a man. When you consider the context and the stakes, it seems silly to worry if you’re reinforcing some sort of societal perspective about the nature of relationships. What really matters is making yourself happy. That might just involve doing what it takes to get back together. Remember, this is about love and your future.
If you want your ex boyfriend back, go get him. Rebuilding the relationship is cetainly not that easy, but possible… undoubtedly by meaningful and empowering actions. If the only thing stopping you from going after your ex is some vague sense that you’d be selling yourself out or humiliating yourself by chasing a guy, you must think again. This could be the kind of bold move generally reserved for the strongest people.
Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back Without The Silliness
November 13, 2008 | 1 Comment
Dear Candice,
I’ve been planning my moves to get my ex boyfriend back. I actually bought a new wardrobe to somewhat change how I look. I’m also planning to change my hairstyle and get into bowling because I’ve heard from his friends that he’s into bowling nowadays. Are these the right ways to get my ex boyfriend back? – Jaz (Asheville, N Carolina)
Dear Jaz,
I understand what you are up to and I’ve seen it myself. Some women who decided to get their ex boyfriends back is amazing. And thinking how far these women can go to win their ex boyfriends back is even more amazing, and yes… silly. In fact, I’ve been there. A couple break ups and I decided to rebuild the relationship. I’ve embarked on a journey to get my man back that involves all sorts of certainly crazy behavior.
Now, let me tell you my story to help you settle the matter. At one point, I’ve decided to change my looks after a breakup. My brunette-head suddenly turned into platinum blond with a new haircut. Thanks to my stylist and the tanning salon. I also seriously became a bird who barely eats in an effort to lose a few pounds from being an athletic person with a normal appetite. I knew for a fact that I look strange and uncomfortable in my own skin then. But I’ve fooled no one.
All at once, I tried to change my personality. I became submissive, accommodating and sugary sweet whenever my ex boyfriend is within a half-mile. I’ve totally shifted my interests, and my behavior changes radically. My friends told me that they can actually see right through the bogus attempt to reinvent myself, but I didn’t care at all. And guess what?, my ex boyfriend didn’t care too. I’ve fooled no one.
After the break up I started wearing miniskirts and skin-tight tops to get my ex boyfriend’s attention. I’ve made a few heads turn, but not my ex boyfriend. He was not interested at all. Added to that, I’ve put up fake jealousy traps. I lied, plot a story and told everybody farfetched stories.
They’re all intended to revive my relationship, but as far as I can recall, they’ve done nothing but drove a wedge between me and my ex boyfriend. I’ve tried to maneuver things to get him back. But, none of it worked. I knew some people who are lucky and were able to get their man back using those crazy methods, but it was just a temporary fix and another break up followed very quickly.
It’s no way to get a boyfriend back, is it?
The only strategy that really makes sense is one based on decency, honesty, trust and sincerity. It might not be as alluring and it may not have little tricks or built-in short cuts, but it works. In fact, it works much better than going nuts in a foolish attempt to recreate key aspects of your life and personality!
I’ve realized my mistakes. I’ve learned from it, unfortunately, the hard way. Getting your man back without the silliness will allow you to get through the break up and back into the relationship with your dignity and pride intact. Most importantly, perhaps, it works. Not just in the short run, but over the long haul, too. Getting your ex back honestly lays a solid foundation from which the renewed relationship can grow and prosper.
If you love him and you want him back you can get the job done without the silliness. Don’t think about dying your hair, inventing lies or trying to pretend that you’re someone you are not. Getting your ex boyfriend back without the silliness works. It sure is!
Don’t Let Your Insecurities Stop You To Get Him Back
November 12, 2008 | 1 Comment
Dear Candice,
I still love my ex boyfriend, and I definitely want him back. But what if he says “no”? What if I’m embarrassed or humiliated? What if I’m forced to admit to my own mistakes? What if he’s not interested at all? These questions are bugging me. If only I have the courage to do this. Please help. – Sam (Oneonta, NY)
Dear Sam,
You’re right Sam, if only one of you have stepped forward to take action, your relationship could have been saved and nurtured. This is one very unfortunate fact… many potentially great relationships that could have flourished die in break ups over such relatively trivial matters. There are people who chose to not take action when things get a little bit rough even though they know that their relationship is great and worth saving. And there are so many completely unnecessary break ups allowed to crush just like that.
This could be one of those life-changing moments. This could be the time and place for you to stand up for what you know is right and to take a stand in favor of what might be the most important thing in the world—love. You can’t allow your own insecurities to stop you from getting your ex boyfriend back. Many people have failed to re-start their relationships because of their inability to overcome their own insecurities. Don’t be like them, don’t let your insecurities hold you back.
It’s fathomable that you might be reluctant to take action. Taking steps to get someone back in your life inevitably involves exposing your own vulnerabilities.Taking action can also place you at some risk of having your most tender tendencies poked and prodded. However, being proactive is going to force you to “put yourself out there”.
What if he says “no”? What if I’m embarrassed or humiliated? What if I’m forced to admit to my own mistakes?… You kept on asking “what if” questions, these questions won’t help you get through your situation at all, these questions only shows your insecurities. Yes, there are so many different potentially awkward and painful possibilities. Many women can be turned off from the idea of taking action to get a boyfriend back because they have self-confidence and self-esteem issues. They worry if they’re smart enough, pretty enough, interesting enough or otherwise “good enough” to justify happiness and a wonderful romance. Of course, they are, but by just saying that doesn’t make all of those insecurities disappear. No matter how many times your friends and I tell you how pretty you are, won’t keep you thinking of those painful possibilities.
Still, you can’t let those fears stand in your way of making a move to get him back. If you know the two of you deserve a second chance you owe it to yourself, to him and to your heart to do what you can to have a rebound relationship.
You can stop your insecurities from getting in the way by trying to focus on the positive future that awaits you after you get your ex boyfriend back. You can also take action based on a solid plan that all but guarantees a positive result. If only you have a good approach and are doing the things that really work, it can make you feel more secure in the situation and more confident about your actions.
You are good enough and you absolutely do deserve to get a second chance to make things work with your ex boyfriend. Don’t let anything stand in your way. Because in the end, the important thing is to take action regardless of your insecurities.
If You Know That It’s The Right Thing To Do – Get Him Back
November 7, 2008 | Leave a Comment
Dear Candice,
I want my ex back but I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do. I feel that there’s a lot more to this situation. Can I still push on getting him back even in doubt? Please help. Need your thoughts to enlighten me. Thanks Candice. – Carrie (Oakland, CA)
Dear Carrie,
We often times see couples who are stuck in weird relationships that are clearly destructive. Those couples who obviously have a relationship that’s doomed and hopeless, guaranteed to leave them both unhappy after wasting so much time and energy. These are the couples who should split up, as we would all say.
On the other hand, there are other couples who should stay together even though they experience rough times. The couples who know in their hearts that the two of them fit together nicely and realize that something special is always there. Those are the couples who have radically good relationships and you can sense the spark between them. They love one another. Still, something happens and they break up.
So let me ask you this Carrie, which group do you belong? If you’re in the first group, I hope you get out of that mess as soon as you possibly can! If, however, you’re in the second group, getting him back is my advice. You don’t have to acquiesce with this break up. You don’t need to say “that’s the way the cookie crumbles” and move on. If you know that it’s the right thing to do. That’s right. Get him back.
Now Carrie, let me ask you more questions. Can you imagine living without your ex boyfriend? Do you think that the two of you do not belong together? Is your heart telling you that the relationship is better off that way? Do you not feel the love? Look into your heart for a moment. If “No” is your answer to all of the questions, then it’s time to get him back.
Believe it or not, break ups are optional. You can get over it. Many women, including myself, have been in situations like yours. Instead of deciding to just accept an unwanted break up, we decided to take a stand for our love. We decided to get back together with our exes. Thousands and thousands of couples have emerged from break ups to build wonderfully strong and fulfilling relationships.
Let’s entertain the alternative for a moment. What might happen if you decide to surrender in the face of this challenge. You won’t see him again. You won’t spend another evening together, share another story, swap another kiss or enjoy another hug. Obviously, this isn’t what you want. You don’t want to give up on love and you don’t want to turn a deaf ear to your heart’s lament. If you make this decision, it will haunt you.
Don’t ever think to surrender. If you try to get your man back and fail, you can at least take solace in the fact that you tried. If you’ve made efforts to get back together and it doesn’t work out, at least you’ll know you gave it a chance to flourish.
If you are certain that you want to preserve the relationship, get him back. Listen to your heart, instead of just accepting the break up if you really don’t want to. If you know deep down inside that taking a second chance on your relationship is the right thing to do… no one’s stopping you to get your ex boyfriend back.
Candice Garcia’s and Curtis Daniel’s Blog
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