Can I Get My Ex Back After Changing Myself?

December 23, 2011 | Leave a Comment

Dear Curtis,

I’m 95% sure the reason my ex ended things is because I was way too into the physical aspects and not very into the emotional aspects of a relationship, basically a friends with benefits relationship.

Anyways, it’s been a month and half since she ended things and the last I heard from her was 2 weeks ago on my birthday when she sent me a birthday text. About a month ago I suggested lunch or coffee as friends and she said “yeah we’ll make it happen in a few weeks :) ”. I’ve never heard from her about lunch so I’m assuming she’s busy …??

I moved back home for the quarter to quit drinking and be more financially responsible. I’ve lost 25 pounds since she saw me last and am feeling like my old self. I used to be good boyfriend material and then when I moved into a fraternity I turned into a bit of a douche. I’ve got 4 months of solitude to fix myself and be a good guy again.

Is it possible to get her back if she see’s I’ve changed? Don’t criticize me and tell me I won’t change because I’ve already made tremendous progress. Been sober for a month, got my diet perfect and have been to the gym 5 days a week. ~ Daniel

Dear Daniel,

I think people are incredibly capable of change. Usually, the greatest and most positive change happens when people do it for themselves and not for others, and I think (and hope) this is the case with you. I commend you on the improvements that you’ve made in your life, but what’s best is that you yourself can see and appreciate those changes and the positive effects they have generated. You have made those changes for you and only you, not for your ex. Because of that, even if she doesn’t want you back, those improvements are there to last. You know that you’ve changed yourself for the better and whichever partner you’ll have in the future will appreciate you for everything you’ve become, even if she won’t. It doesn’t change the fact that you’ve taken your experience with her, learned from it, and transformed yourself into a better person because of it.

With respect to being close physically but emotionally distant, it’s a problem for many people. Being intimate emotionally can make people feel vulnerable or uncomfortable, especially when they’ve been hurt or rejected in the past. In order to have a meaningful and long-lasting relationship, though, you have to trust the other person enough to open up to them and be close with them emotionally. (The question is if that is the type of relationship you want at the moment; if a meaningful and long-lasting relationship isn’t for you right now, then there’s no harm as long as all parties involved are aware of the circumstances and what it means to be in that kind of situation.)

Also, enjoying the physical aspects of relationship isn’t at all a bad thing. Romantic relationships often work a lot better when there exists a physical—usually sexual—attraction between the two partners. (If that sexual attraction isn’t present, that relationship is most commonly called friendship.) However, cherishing the sexual and physical parts of a relationship is different than focusing on them. It’s fairly obvious to most people that a long-lasting relationship should be based on more than physical attraction; there needs to be emotional attraction too. With that emotional attraction comes the real reason for relationships: intimacy and openness and honesty and genuine love.

As far as whether she’d be willing to take you back, that’s up to her. She’ll most likely need to be convinced that you’ve changed to believe it. So show her. Be the best you can be and prove to her that you’re different than you were before. If you’ve made the changes like you said you have, it shouldn’t be difficult at all. If she wants to be with you then she will be; if she doesn’t, then nothing you do will be enough to convince her and that’s neither your fault nor your problem.

But regardless of whether she takes you back or not, you’ll know you made those changes to last. And if she’s too hurt or too disconnected to see that then it’s her loss, and you’ll know for the next partner what to do and what not to do—because you’ve learned and changed and matured. So even if she doesn’t want you back anymore, you can thank her and be confident in the fact that in the future, someone else will appreciate everything you have worked so hard to become.

Share This Post

Posted by Curtis Daniel | Filed Under Advice