Getting Boyfriend Back After Cheating

October 7, 2011 | Leave a Comment

Well three weeks ago, I went to my ex Brian’s work during his break right? I went to confess something. I told him then two weeks ago, I was seeing another guy and had an affair and had sexual intercourse with him. It was great, but suddenly, I realized my mistake and stopped seeing that guy. I also told Brian that I was gonna break up with him, but I changed my mind. Brian went ballistic on me. He was crushed about what I said. He threw the promise ring that I gave him and he said it was over and he can’t trust me anymore! I promised Brian that I would never flirt with other guys again, but I did behind his back and broke the promise. Nobody, not even my sister, has spoken to me for three weeks. Yesterday, I tried talking to Brian, but he kept ignoring me! I tried calling him, texting him, but no response back. I wanna get him back!!! I want him to trust me again! – Joy

Dear Joy,

Trust is such a delicate thing when it comes to relationships. It may take months or years to build, but only seconds to shatter. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that trust is like a mirror: You can fix it if it’s broken, but you’ll always be able to see the cracks in its reflection. Once you break someone’s trust, you can make amends to try and gain it back, but there will always be cracks of mistrust and doubt in your relationship. It will never be the same as it was before.

Before you do whatever you can to try and get your ex back, think about whether or not you truly and honestly want to be with him. Think about why you cheated on him in the first place: What were you trying to achieve? Was it a simple mistake or were you trying to tell yourself something? Were you really happy with him or did you always feel like you needed something else? And now that you two are separated, think about why you want him back: Is it because you still honestly love him or do you just want what you can’t have? Would you promise to change your behavior and be the best partner possible if he gave you a second chance or would you do the same thing all over again? What steps, if any, would you take to ensure that you’d be faithful and honest with him?

It could be that being single right now is a better move for you; you’ll have the freedom to be with whomever you want and sample open relationships and maybe that’s what’s best for you right now. Or maybe cheating on your ex just made you realize how much you can’t bear to be without him, which makes you want him back even more. But before you can convince him that you deserve a second chance, you have to be sure of it yourself. So, do you believe you deserve a second chance? Why?

Only once you’ve been able to promise yourself that you will commit to being a loyal and loving partner—the partner that your ex wants and deserves—you can attempt to contact him and explain yourself. (Personally, I would write a letter of some sort so that you can say everything you want without interruption or getting sidetracked.) If and when you do contact him,  remember that he doesn’t need to hear specifics and details of what happened (unless, of course, he asks for them specifically); he only needs to know that you’re aware that your actions were wrong and that you’re genuinely and sincerely sorry. He wants you to realize the error of your ways and change them permanently and if you want to be with him, you should want the same thing.

There is a chance he may not want to speak with you at all and you can’t really fault him for that (because for all he knows, speaking with you again would only lead to more lies and heartache, of which he’s had plenty already). For this reason, I suggest writing a single letter and nothing else. If you bombard him with text messages and phone calls, he will avoid you and not understand how you expect him to forgive you so quickly. First, give him the time and space he needs to recover from the terrible things he’s gone through; give him some time to remember why he was with you in the first place and after reading your honest and apologetic letter, he may realize that he still wants to be with you despite all that.

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Posted by Curtis Daniel | Filed Under Advice, Breakup 

Why Consider Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back

February 23, 2009 | 2 Comments

Dear Candice,

My boyfriend for almost a year recently ended our relationship. I tried to save the relationship, but he keeps on telling me that he has to sort things out first. Shall I still consider getting him back? — Veronica

Dear Veronica,

Your relationship came to a screeching halt. You had a nice thing going on but your relationship finally came to a painful and frustrating situation – break up. Sure, you’ll find the situation sort of ugly. The more you want to save the relationship the harder it gets to keep. You’ve been trying to hold a wagon to stay one piece but the wheels keep falling of it. It can be the very rocky times of your life now that it’s over and you can’t believe that you spent all that time and emotion only to lose it in the end.

So, why do you want your ex boyfriend back? Wouldn’t it be easier to just consider this chapter of your life closed and to move on to some proverbial greener pasture? What could conceivably motivate you after all of the agony and hurt to even make getting your ex boyfriend back as an option??

You might say: Yikes! Some of you would say: No way! When we put it in those terms, the thought of getting your ex back doesn’t sound that attractive, does it? Good thing there’s a bigger perspective on your relationship that can conjure up positive images that easily overshadow any potential problems you may be experiencing related to the break up. A different approach to look at things. , More often than not, this alternative perspective gives you all the reason why you should consider getting your ex boyfriend back.

Now, let me tell you some of the positive alternative perspectives:

Love is just too valuable to ignore. You owe it to yourself to go after your ex if you think the love of your life is walking away. We like to pose as though old-school romanticism is something of a thing from the past, however, we know that real love does exist and that it’s very special. You simply can’t just missed out on a great chance of love. If your heart is yelling at you, it won’t be fair to ignore it for. It does make sense to get your ex back if it can drown out the tears and screams of anguish.

Creating even more meaningful relationship is possible. If you feel like the break up was a bad idea and that there’s a lot of potential left in the idea of the two of you being together, it’s possible to look past the ugliness of a break up. Focus on the potential advantages of getting him back in your life instead.

Optimism is better than dwelling. If there’s something special in your relationship, in one way or another, it will maneuver its own way to get into you no matter how hard you try to ignore it. Keep in mind that things don’t get better if no one took the time to deal with it. If you feel that things can get better and that you can make the relationship work, that optimism can be much more interesting than dwelling on the past and its less beautiful moments.

You get to make a choice. Would you rather deal with regret and suffering or would you prefer to get your ex boyfriend back? That decision is yours to make. A classic “the glass is half empty/half full” situation, indeed. There’s a lot of pain to go around these days, but there is even more potential for something meaningful to happen.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Breakup, Relationship