Control Issues In Toxic Relationships

August 25, 2009 | 1 Comment

Dear Candice,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and now that I look back on it I feel that I’ve apologized for way more than I should have as most of the time. I don’t understand my boyfriend most of the time, he goes through different moods and I always feel like I have to do exactly what he says or he will shout at me and say bad things about me, even in front of our friends. Then I have to apologize because I’ve made him angry. Last time we had this petty fight, he said I’ve made him feel he is a bad boyfriend and I should apologize for making him feel that way. And this just keeps on and on… why should I apologize for everything!???? This is to toxic, don’t you think?? — Clare

Dear Clare,

If not all, most toxic relationships, have control issues. Clearly, your boyfriend is trying to control you by insisting how you should act and by saying bad things about you in front of others. In my last article, I covered the manifestations of toxic relationships, and what you’ve been experiencing are clues that you’re in one right now. There are so many ways a boyfriend can be controlling, which can range from name calling, putting you down in front of friends, family and relatives, and treating you in arrogant ways. Such behaviors should not exist in a loving relationship. Here are some control issues in toxic relationships:

Jealousy. This is almost always present in toxic relationships. Often, a partner will try to make you believe that it is plainly because he loves you that much. Truth is, jealousy is a sign of insecurity, nothing else. It may lead to accusing one has other affairs or being unfaithful.

Self-centeredness. This behavior can be seen even in most simplest actions of your boyfriend. For example, if your on a trip with your boyfriend and he won’t let you use a closet in your bedroom, instead let you use a closet in another room, you should be worried. It’s a sign that he has concern only for himself.

Restricting your spending. There’s no problem in monitoring purchases, it becomes a problem when your partner starts to control what you buy and counts how much money you spend. If your partner gets angry and yells at you for a purchase, you must be alarmed. Especially, if you purchased drinking glasses and a shower curtain, and he raged at me because he’d expected to choose those items himself.

Throwing accusations and criticisms. Be very afraid when your partner starts to throw accusations at you and criticize you, that even your neighbor can hear. Losing your confidence and self-worth is a manifestation that you’re in a toxic relationship. If you let him, there will come a time that you can’t even decide whether to discard old food or not from your fridge, because you fear that a blow up is about to happen when you mistakenly toss something that your partner still want to eat.

“A good life depends on good performance.” Most of us live by to that adage. That if you live to please others and work hard to offend no one… you are creating and bound to get a wonderful life. Let’s face it, not all story ends up that way. But one thing is certain… you always have a choice. A choice to let go and move forward. Letting someone disrespect you and selling yourself short aren’t the ways to have a wonderful life.

Whenever you start to notice you are feeling incompetent and dismissed a lot, take action. Perhaps what you all need is a quality time together, or a relationship counseling from someone you both trust. Controlling behavior surely finds expression in so many ways, but, it is always meant to take your right to choose out and replace it with demands. This manifestations will render you powerless and horridly dependent, if you let it continue.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Problems in Relationship