How To Bounce Back From A Break Up

November 23, 2009 | 2 Comments

Dear Candice,

My boyfriend for eight years broke up with me six months ago because I said some things to him that weren’t too nice. I realize I was mean and have apologized sincerely but he said I went to far, he can no longer take me and is insistent that its over. So here I am, after six months, still feeling completely terrible for what I’ve done and that I lost someone I so love, who has been part of my life for a long time, over some harsh words. How can I get over this feeling? How can I bounce back from a breakup… to feel happy and whole again? I also tried to see some other guys, but just didn’t work out. Any suggestions on how to cope and feel better? Or even any good ideas on how to make up with him to fix the situation? — Sophia

Dear Sophia,

Thank you for your letter, I know a lot of people who can relate to your situation, and that includes me. I know how it feels like to be in a long-term relationship then in a snap be single again… it’s like a total reboot. And it’s never easy to get back up, bounce back from a break up, and start over again.

Going out with someone to cover up the absence of your ex? I have had fair share of that. And yes, none of it worked. It’s because we feel rather “naked” when it comes to dating men. Often, there are too much problems and drama whenever two people break up and there’s a lot of issues that’s hard to deal with, making it hard for us to invest our feelings once again.

One thing I’ve learned from this is to never loose hope that everything will get better with time. Time heals all wounds, and it’s best to wait for that time, when you’re totally healed and recovered, before getting into a new relationship. Putting yourself together can be really hard. It may take more than six months or years to feel like “you are yourself again” and ready to date men once again.

After a break up, take some time to clear your thoughts and mend your heart. How? First, and the most effective, is to clear your room with all items that may remind you of him. Then spend time with your family and and friends. Do the things that you missed doing with them, have fun! If at the end of the day, you feel like you want to cry, then let yourself cry. I assure you, there will come a day that you won’t feel like crying anymore.

Another thing that you can do to bounce back up after a breakup is to find new hobbies. Go out in the sun and get busy! Discover places or learn new sports or volunteer for charitable cause. This will give you so much time to turn over a new leaf and become a much better person.

You see, there are so many things that you can do to move on after a break up. You don’t really have to rush back into a new relationship. Perhaps there’s no need for a new relationship. Sure, there are ways to have that magic of making up with your boyfriend. But first, you need to be yourself again.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Moving On 

Control Issues In Toxic Relationships

August 25, 2009 | 1 Comment

Dear Candice,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and now that I look back on it I feel that I’ve apologized for way more than I should have as most of the time. I don’t understand my boyfriend most of the time, he goes through different moods and I always feel like I have to do exactly what he says or he will shout at me and say bad things about me, even in front of our friends. Then I have to apologize because I’ve made him angry. Last time we had this petty fight, he said I’ve made him feel he is a bad boyfriend and I should apologize for making him feel that way. And this just keeps on and on… why should I apologize for everything!???? This is to toxic, don’t you think?? — Clare

Dear Clare,

If not all, most toxic relationships, have control issues. Clearly, your boyfriend is trying to control you by insisting how you should act and by saying bad things about you in front of others. In my last article, I covered the manifestations of toxic relationships, and what you’ve been experiencing are clues that you’re in one right now. There are so many ways a boyfriend can be controlling, which can range from name calling, putting you down in front of friends, family and relatives, and treating you in arrogant ways. Such behaviors should not exist in a loving relationship. Here are some control issues in toxic relationships:

Jealousy. This is almost always present in toxic relationships. Often, a partner will try to make you believe that it is plainly because he loves you that much. Truth is, jealousy is a sign of insecurity, nothing else. It may lead to accusing one has other affairs or being unfaithful.

Self-centeredness. This behavior can be seen even in most simplest actions of your boyfriend. For example, if your on a trip with your boyfriend and he won’t let you use a closet in your bedroom, instead let you use a closet in another room, you should be worried. It’s a sign that he has concern only for himself.

Restricting your spending. There’s no problem in monitoring purchases, it becomes a problem when your partner starts to control what you buy and counts how much money you spend. If your partner gets angry and yells at you for a purchase, you must be alarmed. Especially, if you purchased drinking glasses and a shower curtain, and he raged at me because he’d expected to choose those items himself.

Throwing accusations and criticisms. Be very afraid when your partner starts to throw accusations at you and criticize you, that even your neighbor can hear. Losing your confidence and self-worth is a manifestation that you’re in a toxic relationship. If you let him, there will come a time that you can’t even decide whether to discard old food or not from your fridge, because you fear that a blow up is about to happen when you mistakenly toss something that your partner still want to eat.

“A good life depends on good performance.” Most of us live by to that adage. That if you live to please others and work hard to offend no one… you are creating and bound to get a wonderful life. Let’s face it, not all story ends up that way. But one thing is certain… you always have a choice. A choice to let go and move forward. Letting someone disrespect you and selling yourself short aren’t the ways to have a wonderful life.

Whenever you start to notice you are feeling incompetent and dismissed a lot, take action. Perhaps what you all need is a quality time together, or a relationship counseling from someone you both trust. Controlling behavior surely finds expression in so many ways, but, it is always meant to take your right to choose out and replace it with demands. This manifestations will render you powerless and horridly dependent, if you let it continue.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Problems in Relationship 

Love is a Choice… an Ongoing and a Conscious Choice You Make Everyday

June 29, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Love is a choice you make every day of your life. In fact, what you think you feel is actually something you choose to feel. You make a choice to feel a certain way or not. That’s how you choose to control your emotions. This is true in most areas of life. In choosing to feel love, you need to choose sensibly because falling in love is not something you choose not to feel after a relationship went downhill. Love is a choice, an ongoing and a conscious choice, you make each and every day of your life.

Love is a choice. And you can never confuse “love” with the feeling of being “in love.” This is one of the most important lesson you can ever get in the midst of being and staying in love. I’m sure you, just like me, those who have experienced to be loved and lost a love, can all attest to that. Here’s an excerpt from the novel “Midwinter Turns to Spring,” on the subject of love being a choice:

“Love is not just a feeling. It’s a choice, a commitment, a way of behaving toward another. Love is not simply an event that happens to you. Rather, love is something you choose to do. The state of being in love is simply a prelude to love. But most people make the mistake of thinking they’re one and the same thing. We are all given circumstances by which we can exercise the choice to love. That’s the thunderbolt that God supplies. It’s that instant attraction to another person, those warm, fuzzy feelings, that fever akin to drunkenness or madness that causes you to know that you’re in love. But it’s what you choose to do after that thunderbolt has passed that matters. You choose whether you’re going to continue loving the other person after the drunkenness has dissipated, after the frills of romance have fallen away. You choose whether you’re going to continue to seek the best interests of the other person, and care about him or her through any and all circumstances — and for how long. Love is a conscious choice.”

Love is a choice. When you wake up in the morning and think about the one you love, you say to yourself “I choose to love this person today and every day of my life,” regardless of his imperfections. In a relationship that isn’t working, you choose to put an end to it. After that, given an ample time to recover, you also choose to get involved with someone who’s like-minded. At the beginning of a potential great relationship you make a choice to spend time to that person to have a glimpse of what can develop. You celebrate the fact that once again, you get to love a person and get to be loved the same way in return.

Many people believe that love is something that simply occurs and happens unexpectedly. But as the relationship grows, the definition of love also grows. Love is both a noun and a verb. The noun part is the feeling you have when you think about the person first thing in the morning, ’till the end of the day. The verb part is the actions you take for feeling that way. Your love for someone should be action oriented and consistent, in order for love to stay after many years together.

Many people allows romantic love, or feelings, to become the basis for relationship and happiness. But this kind of foundation is more likely to be unsturdy because you or your partner will later on seek new emotional highs as time goes by. A relationship based on just feelings and emotions are fickle, more so the circumstances that give rise to them. Love is a choice, it isn’t born but made.

I have once lost my love and during those tough times of my relationship, I have managed to make a choice. I’ve made a choice to get him back and stay with him. The choice that I still rejoice until now. Love is true when you get to choose one person above all, and you get to celebrate that choice for as long as you live. That’s the personal adage I and my partner live by everyday.

There will always be times you feel you love your partner less today than yesterday. There will be times you could feel loved, and other times you don’t. You may also meet someone you think more ideal than the other. When these happen, would you still love him? Love is a choice. Isn’t it more empowering way to love and be loved?

Love is a choice. It’s either you let that love happen or move on without even letting a feeling of love to occur. When making a choice, sometimes you feel you just have to grab it because after all you deserve it. Other times you feel you need to put another’s needs before your own. Love is a choice… a choice to take action.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Relationship