Toxic Relationship Signs

January 7, 2012 | Leave a Comment

Dear Candice,

How do you know when or if a relationship is toxic? What are the signs? How long does it typically take to figure it out? I mean, I know as you are just getting to know someone there will be questions, issues, speed bumps, etc….but at what point do you just realize things aren’t what they should be? ~ Amanda

Dear Amanda,

This is a really tricky question. Not only is this extremely difficult to answer because I don’t definitely know what you describe as “toxic”, but also because different people can handle different things, and need different things. To start off, I would just say as a blanket statement that if the relationship you are in (any kind) makes you feel any sort of uncomfortable ( HUGE range of emotions) for more than 20% of your time, then it is not worth it.

Being in a relationship is complicated but by definition you are expected to compromise on things that you want, this is a given and there is no way getting around it. The difficulty therein lies in how much and what you are compromising to be with this person. Any kind of physical or verbal abuse is unacceptable. This is not debatable, and there is no reason to “classify” what qualifies as verbal or physical abuse. If the person you are with makes you feel unsafe in any way, you need to let them go as soon as you can. I would argue that abuse is the highest level of “toxic”, and again, I have no idea what you consider toxic, or what you are personally going through, but this is true for everyone.

With that said, being in a so-called toxic relationship does not necessarily mean that there is any real significant clue that you can directly pinpoint. There may be as you said, speed bumps and disagreements that can add up to a bigger, insurmountable problem. I would suggest that the rule of thumb in any relationship you find yourself in, is asking yourself the right question, and answering yourself truthfully.

For example , if you have had the same fight for whatever reason more than three times, ask yourself what is the real problem that is stimulating the argument. Once you can clearly define the crux of the problem, the next step is to ask yourself how you would like to fix it. Identifying a solution is often difficult and unrewarding because once you have one, you need to discuss it with your partner. I am going to assume they do not like the plan you come up with, which brings you back to another question: Why don’t they like it? Identifying his needs in relation to yours is critical and necessary in every fight, disagreement, and argument. Understanding the driving forces in each other’s character is the only way to determine whether you can compromise or if you are in fact not that compatible. If you discover that what he wants is something you are really not willing to sacrifice, then I would say you have found yourself in an unhealthy, or “toxic”, relationship.

As for the length of time, I am sorry to tell you that there is no measurable statistics on this. You are your own person, learn to know what you can and will not do or tolerate. The best part of a relationship is not only getting to know someone else, but also getting to know yourself. Take this opportunity to discover what you want out of yourself, your life, and your partner, and be sure to clearly define what you are definitely not willing to give up, whether that is religion, certain foods, or shower privileges. Everyone is allowed to be themselves, and if you are with someone who is constantly trying to modify you, that is what I consider toxic.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Advice, Dating, Problems in Relationship, Relationship 

Ending Toxic Relationships

November 3, 2009 | 2 Comments

Dear Candice,

I’ve been in a casual relationship for almost a year now, the relationship has been off and on. I’m aware he sees other people as do I. He is mature, divorced, and has 3 kids. We’ve developed a pattern in which we are cool for a few months and then have a huge fight, say mean things and stop talking for awhile and then it just picks right back up. Everything seemed to be going okay these last few months, but then something happened. He stopped calling me, not heard from him at all for 2 weeks. And then I got this message telling me he was sorry cos he’s out of reach and he’s spending a month vacation with a girl he met a few weeks ago… and he needs a break!!! Seriously??? A break from what? He already did!!! We don’t even have a friendship. I wouldn’t treat my friends like that. I really want to get over this, it’s just gone toxic, any advice? – Marie Gomez

Dear Marie,

Getting over a relationship can be very difficult and heartbreaking. Often times, when it comes to ending toxic relationships, half of your heart is telling you to stay away from your ex, while the other half wants to keep a close watch on his whereabouts. Definitely, you know what choice is good for you. Toxic relationships aren’t just bad, in other cases, they can be damaging as well.

Also, getting revenge may come to your mind or set up your own blog where you can rant and rave about your toxic relationship and how you feel about your boyfriend. Perhaps it’s a good way to let go of bad emotions and get some advice from those who would ever read your blog. But it’s, most of the time, just a waste of time and energy. Allowing people to show your out of control? Not a good idea. So what should you do to end a toxic relationship?

Get those tears out. Crying alone in your room could help, but you can surely do better than that. Get those tears out in a movie! Ask a friend or two to watch a movie with you and when the mushy part sets in, cry it all out. Your friends probably wouldn’t care if you cry even by just seeing two polar bears snuggling up, it is a mushy moment after all.

Never call him. Keep in mind that, this relationship was toxic. As much as you may yearn to hear his voice, think of the phone as a transmitter for those poisonous relationship toxins to seep back into your system. The longer you can go without dialing him up or seeing him face-to-face, the stronger you will grow.

Have a list of the good and the bad. Making a list helps you put the true nature of your relationship with your boyfriend into a more realistic standpoint. When you can actually point out all those bad and crazy things he did to you, you’ll realize that it’s far more reasonable to end your relationship and move on with your life without him. Score for the other half of your heart that tells you to stay away from your ex.

Have an outlet for your pent-up energy. If you are feeling stressed because of your relationship, it’s best to draw your attention to something that you love doing. Learn photography or anything you can enjoy that requires your creative mind working. Channel your emotions into activities, which can be meaningful to you. If you do so, you are not just helping your mind wander about something else, but it helps you see and understand your feelings more through what you create as well.

Talk it out. Have your good friends, sisters or any family member who care about what you feel. They are those people who are most willing to lend an ear and hear you, even your rants and raves, or just babbling about what the relationship used to be like.

Sadly, breakups will happen in one way or another, and whether we like it or not… but they are optional. Many of us may have to go through a number of breakups to be able to learn how to handle a romantic relationship. It’s not bad to feel sad and it’s definitely okay to dwell on your emotions. Just don’t beat yourself up much. If you are in a toxic relationship, sort things out if you can, if not, deal with it and move on.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Moving On 

Control Issues In Toxic Relationships

August 25, 2009 | 4 Comments

Dear Candice,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and now that I look back on it I feel that I’ve apologized for way more than I should have as most of the time. I don’t understand my boyfriend most of the time, he goes through different moods and I always feel like I have to do exactly what he says or he will shout at me and say bad things about me, even in front of our friends. Then I have to apologize because I’ve made him angry. Last time we had this petty fight, he said I’ve made him feel he is a bad boyfriend and I should apologize for making him feel that way. And this just keeps on and on… why should I apologize for everything!???? This is to toxic, don’t you think?? — Clare

Dear Clare,

If not all, most toxic relationships, have control issues. Clearly, your boyfriend is trying to control you by insisting how you should act and by saying bad things about you in front of others. In my last article, I covered the manifestations of toxic relationships, and what you’ve been experiencing are clues that you’re in one right now. There are so many ways a boyfriend can be controlling, which can range from name calling, putting you down in front of friends, family and relatives, and treating you in arrogant ways. Such behaviors should not exist in a loving relationship. Here are some control issues in toxic relationships:

Jealousy. This is almost always present in toxic relationships. Often, a partner will try to make you believe that it is plainly because he loves you that much. Truth is, jealousy is a sign of insecurity, nothing else. It may lead to accusing one has other affairs or being unfaithful.

Self-centeredness. This behavior can be seen even in most simplest actions of your boyfriend. For example, if your on a trip with your boyfriend and he won’t let you use a closet in your bedroom, instead let you use a closet in another room, you should be worried. It’s a sign that he has concern only for himself.

Restricting your spending. There’s no problem in monitoring purchases, it becomes a problem when your partner starts to control what you buy and counts how much money you spend. If your partner gets angry and yells at you for a purchase, you must be alarmed. Especially, if you purchased drinking glasses and a shower curtain, and he raged at me because he’d expected to choose those items himself.

Throwing accusations and criticisms. Be very afraid when your partner starts to throw accusations at you and criticize you, that even your neighbor can hear. Losing your confidence and self-worth is a manifestation that you’re in a toxic relationship. If you let him, there will come a time that you can’t even decide whether to discard old food or not from your fridge, because you fear that a blow up is about to happen when you mistakenly toss something that your partner still want to eat.

“A good life depends on good performance.” Most of us live by to that adage. That if you live to please others and work hard to offend no one… you are creating and bound to get a wonderful life. Let’s face it, not all story ends up that way. But one thing is certain… you always have a choice. A choice to let go and move forward. Letting someone disrespect you and selling yourself short aren’t the ways to have a wonderful life.

Whenever you start to notice you are feeling incompetent and dismissed a lot, take action. Perhaps what you all need is a quality time together, or a relationship counseling from someone you both trust. Controlling behavior surely finds expression in so many ways, but, it is always meant to take your right to choose out and replace it with demands. This manifestations will render you powerless and horridly dependent, if you let it continue.

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Posted by Candice | Filed Under Problems in Relationship